what i'm here for

Chapter 4: Goodbye

Seated behind the wheel, in the back of the parking lot, Derek sighed as he stared out the windshield to the beautiful, but ominous building before them. The crowd of people waiting patiently for entrance had almost all passed through, and he knew that meant it was time for them to wander out of the car. He glanced to the passenger seat to where Meredith was seated, his right hand in her lap, clutched tightly in both of hers.

He cleared his throat. "I think it's time."

She nodded her agreement, but made no move to leave the car or release his hand, her lightly touched up eyes filled with sadness. Her hair was pulled back, revealing her face for the first time in days, but the dulling bruise was covered up well and only noticeable to those who knew to look for it. Derek couldn't help but focus on it every time he looked at her.

"Are you ready?" He asked gently.

She took a breath. "Do I have a choice?"

"You always have a choice," he answered, his eyes conveying nothing but love and support.

She hesitated, staring down at their entwined hands. She took a breath. "I just feel like I shouldn't be here. They don't want me here."

Derek tilted his head, not needing to ask who they were. "Oh, Mer, your father..." Derek sighed. "Your father shouldn't be handling things this way. You deserve better."

Meredith nodded her head, but remained silent. He knew she didn't believe him.

Squeezing her hands tightly in his, he spoke the most comforting words he could. "You really do deserve better, Mer. You should have had a father who was there for you, is still there for you. Parents shouldn't get to pick and choose when they're there for their kids. Susan understood that. She wouldn't want him to do this. She wouldn't blame you." He paused to allow her to speak, but she remained silent. "It wasn't your fault," he repeated for the umpteenth time in the past three days.

Meredith finally responded by nodding her head, gripping his hand tightly. "I know, but I still feel guilty."

"I don't know how to make that go away for you," Derek admitted softly.

"He doesn't want me there." She repeated.

"That's why we're going in as late as we can," Derek reminded her. "We'll sit in the back and leave as soon as it's over. Thatcher doesn't need to see us. We're here for Susan. To say goodbye."

Meredith nodded, her teary eyes meeting his. "To say good bye."

Derek's heart went out to her. Her downtrodden tone caused a lump to form in his throat. "I love you," was all he could think to say.

She met his eyes, as if searching for any reason to doubt him. Then, to his surprise she smiled. It was small, but it was there. "I love you too," she whispered. "Derek, I'm scared," she admitted, an intensity in her voice that he rarely heard.

He offered a comforting smile, tilting his head slightly. "You can do this." He gave her his best McDreamy smile.

Meredith nodded, more to convince herself than him before releasing his hand and opening her door. Derek quickly stepped out of the driver's side and met her in front of the car, taking her hand as they silently approached the funeral home.

000

The ceremony was just beginning as Derek sat uncomfortably on the hard bench of the back row, Meredith tucked in close, his right arm wrapped supportively around her waist. With his left hand he pulled at the tie that suddenly seemed too tight around his neck. He hated funerals, always had; ever since he attended his father's funeral at the young age of eight. Although he had been young, he could still remember the horror of losing a parent. As he glanced at his girlfriend, he tried to imagine what she was going through. She had now lost two parents in less than two months; three if you counted the father with whom she had been building a relationship.