what i'm here for

Chapter 5: Believe

Derek glanced worriedly towards the passenger seat for the umpteenth time since leaving the funeral home. Meredith was silent, bent over a large, open medical text. Immediately upon settling in the car, Meredith had said she was fine, pulled her book from its resting place in the backseat and opened it up. All outward signs pointed to the fact that she was hard at work, but Derek hadn't seen her flip the page in more than ten minutes. He sighed and glanced at the car clock; she only had an hour until her exam. Memories of the stress he had been under while preparing for his intern exam flooded his thoughts, and he hadn't been dealing with anywhere near the non-work related stress she was dealing with. Compared to her experience, his internship had been a walk in the park. Derek was worried and knew he had to do something.

"Meredith?" He gently prompted. "Are you okay over there?"

"Mmmhmm," was coupled with a slight nod.

Derek sighed. "Do you even know what you're reading?"

"Mmmhmm," she repeated, nodding once again.

"Mer, the book may as well be upside down. I know you're not taking in anything."

"You don't know that." She countered.

"Do you know how long it has been since you turned your page?" He countered.

"Of course," she muttered, waiting a few moments before flipping the page.

Derek rolled his eyes and scoffed gently, loving the woman beside him for her stubborn streak, despite the issues it created.
They continued in silence for a few minutes, Meredith dutifully flipping the page ever minute or so. Derek knew she still wasn't processing anything on the page. He also knew she would never admit it. He glanced worriedly at the clock once more and shook his head. He had all the faith in the world in her knowledge and ability, but at this moment, he was worried. She had thus far survived a year of hell, broken up by very short spurts of happiness. And if she failed her exam today, he knew she would be devastated. And he didn't know whether she would ever return to the work she was so good at. She didn't deserve that.

Derek looked out at the highway. They were only a few miles away from the hospital. He saw a turn off sign and in a moment of spontaneity he signalled and turned off the highway, following the road, before pulling off into a parking lot and stopping the car far away from other cars. He put the car into the park and turned off the engine, before Meredith finally looked up.

"Are we ther-" She began as she looked out the window. "What are you doing?" She looked at him, confused. "Where are we?"

Derek hesitated, not entirely sure of what to say. He wasn't quite sure himself what he was doing, but he knew he had to do something. He ignored her questions and undid his seatbelt, reaching across the center consol of the car to gently pry the book out of her grasp. He closed it and placed it on the floor.

"Hey..." she tried, but let the book go with little protest.

Derek took her hand and decided to be open. "Meredith, I'm worried for you."

Meredith shook her head, trying to pull out of her grasp. "Don't be, I'm fine."

He shook his head. "No, Mer, you're not fine. Whether you admit it or not, you're not fine and you don't have time to pretend you are. We have less than an hour before you have to write that test."

"Which is why I have to study," she said, motioning toward the book.

"No, no you don't. Meredith, you know your stuff. Trust me, you'll be fine. You just have to trust in yourself. You have to believe in yourself. Just like I do," he added.

Meredith was silent as her form began to quiver slightly and silent tears ran down her cheeks.

"Oh, Mer," he whispered, emotion rushing through his heart. He clutched her hand tighter. "I just don't know what to say to make everything okay."

Meredith made a noise that sounded vaguely like a laugh. "Nothing you could say could make everything better," she said. "But you being here makes it as okay as it can be."

"Good, because that's not going to change."

"I think I'm finally starting to believe that."

They were silent as she collected her thoughts.

"I'm going to fail," she finally whispered, as if divulging a secret.

Derek shook his head. "No, no you're not."

It was Meredith's turn to shake her head. "I don't know anything, I can't focus," her voice cracked as the tears started again. "I don't even know what I don't know enough to study it."

"That's because you know enough of what you need to know." Derek tried, hoping she would believe him.

She ignored him and continued, her somewhat hysterical tone sounding hopeless. "I can't do this," she said, looking away from him and closing her eyes tight. "I can't do this. I don't know enough, I...I'm not good enough." She trailed off.

Derek squeezed her hands tightly. "Listen to me, Meredith. You can do this. I know you can. You know more than necessary, believe me, I've helped you study. You're a great doctor, and you are going to make a wonderful surgeon. You're going to be one to beat, trust me. You are more than capable, more than good enough. You can do this."

When she finally looked at him, there were tears billowing in her eyes, the redness below them in sharp contrast and making them shine. She shook her head slightly before closing her eyes as she took a breath, causing the flow of tears to spill over and run down her face. Her lip quivered just slightly as she spoke. "How do you have so much faith in me?"

Derek smiled and reached up to cup her face. "Because I have no reason not to," he stated simply. "Even though I am just a little biased, you are a wonderful doctor. You have so much potential, and everyone sees it, Mer. The chief has commented on it several times, even Bailey. And you know what it takes for Bailey to say something. You've had a shitty year, Mer; one you didn't deserve, and I know a lot of that was my fault, but here you are, giving me another chance, because that's who you are. I love you so much and I know you're going to do great things."

Meredith sniffled. "I love you, too."

"You've had the hardest internship that I've ever heard of, and yet you still made it. You've had to deal with family problems, death, you've been hospitalized yourself twice. You've been there for your friends every time they've needed help. Add to that everything I caused for you. And you still made it," he repeated. "You never gave up, you never fell behind or looked for special treatment, which with your history you could have gotten from the Chief. You making it through this year is you making a statement; that nothing is going to stop you from reaching your goal. You know your stuff, Mer. I know you do. And I know you are going to kick ass on that test, even give Cristina a run for her money."

He was rewarded by the sweet sound of laughter at his comment.

"She'd kill me if I beat her."

Derek smiled. "Even so, you have what it takes to be at the top, Mer. Don't belittle your knowledge and your talents. Go into that test with some faith in yourself and blow them away."

Meredith nodded slightly, then paused for several seconds before nodding again, more emphatically. She took a deep breath and looked him in the eye. "Okay."

"Okay," Derek repeated. He smiled at her, and she smiled back. "You okay now?"

Meredith nodded. "I think so. I just need one more thing," she said as she reached to take off her seat belt.

"Anything," Derek said.

She pulled him closer as she leaned across the car. "A hug."

Derek smiled as he wrapped his arms tightly around her, ignoring the awkward position as he breathed in her hair. "That I can definitely do."

"Thank-you for being so great," Meredith whispered against him.

Derek closed his eyes as he gripped her a little tighter. "It's what I'm here for."