A Court of Shadows and Promises

The Weight of Guilt and Despair

It had been nearly a week. A week since I had been home, and I hadn't left this house. I had hardly left my room. It wasn't like I didn't have that option. No, instead I had snapped at Mor and Cassian to leave me the hell alone and that I would stay put. Neither of them had seemed offended or hurt, but as soon as they had left, the guilt immediately worsened.

That first night after they had all left- it had been rough. Alone with my thoughts now that I was in a safe space to do so... I had spiraled and spiraled.

It was as if every horrible thing I had ever done finally hit me. Tore at me and demanded to be acknowledged. I wasn't sorry for all of it, for the ones who had deserved it. The innocent ones though...

I didn't deserve the new life that had been gifted to me. How did I ever think I could return here and be worthy? Be worthy of the people of this court and my family? The girl I was before died that horrible night long ago; I wasn't her anymore. How could I be?

Madja had been whispering to someone in the house on one of my excursions from my room, telling them that I refused to eat and that someone had to do something. The only reply was that most of Rhysand's court was dispersed, busy with something. No one was here to 'deal with me'. Madja had snapped something back, but I didn't hear what it was as I disappeared back to my room.

Rhys had come up to visit and talk the next day, alone thankfully. He had told me it would be several days before we saw one another again but to not hesitate to go into the city if I wished. I was free. I could do what I wanted.

I hadn't voiced the fact that I wasn't truly free. That I was being weighed down by my own thoughts and despair. No, instead, I had let him leave and had stayed put.

I didn't know how to function or think past everything. It was slowly consuming me. There had been several times the first few days where my gaze had lingered on those open windows for a little too long. To the point where I had gotten up and slammed them shut so hard, the panes had rattled violently, and I was surprised they hadn't shattered.

If I was going to go, I wouldn't do it like that.

I waved my hand, one of the armchairs moving across the room by my accord and planted it in front of the window. Plopping into it, I looked out at the city, curling my legs to my chest and just staring.

It glittered against the dark night sky, almost as brightly as the stars above it. Colors gleamed and flashed invitingly. In the distance, the waves crashed against the mountains comfortingly. It was serene. There was little chance the beauty of Velaris could ever be surpassed. Or maybe it was my own naïve bias.

A soft knock on my door broke my attention away and I sighed, saying, "Come in."

I had tried ignoring them before and Madja had burst through the door anyway, not a care in the world at my protests. It was late for a visit from her now but maybe she had been busy today. I had expected she had left me be due to my sped-up recovery from my magic returning fully. Apparently not.

The person that walked into the room was not Madja. Azriel shut the door behind him, cocking his head to the side at my position by the window. I had nothing to say so I turned my attention back to the city.

"You could go out there, instead of wasting away in here," he pointed out, his tone more matter of fact than sarcastic. When I didn't reply he moved closer, asking, "Why are you still up here? The people of Velaris would love to see their princess-"

"I'm not their princess," I replied shortly, shaking my head at the absurd thought, "Not anymore. If anything, they'd all be terrified of a walking dead woman."

He chuckled and said, "You'd be surprised."

"Why do you care?" I asked, my voice dead, not an ounce of apology in the blunt question.