My Big Secret

18. Every time I try...

Chapter 18: Every time I try...

Sophie's POV

It was now the middle of February, nearly towards the end. I was guessing that I had at least two more weeks to live. I had gone back to my old ways; which were how I was when I had cancer before. I had started going to Chemotherapy and most of my hair was falling out. I didn't mind since I had no more interest in how I looked. I had turned back into the depression pill. All I did was just stay in my room lying in my bed. I hardly came out only, to use the toilet shower and eat, even though I hardly touched food. The only times I went out was for Chemo. I knew the way I was living wasn't healthy but I didn't care. I told Jake about Chris and let's say he wasn't pleased at all. In fact he was fucking pissed off! I had no idea why though. All he said was that I didn't need the stress. That got me thinking what 'STRESS'.

"Where were you, why did you come home so late" Jake asked me as I walked down the stairs. I sighed and looked down.

"Sophie?" he asked sternly.

"I found my birth dad... he's a wolf," I sighed and took a deep breath in waiting for his reaction.

"WHAT!" He yelled.

"What?" I asked, shrugging my shoulders.

"How the hell is a wolf your father... you're a human for crying out loud!" he hissed.

"The gene didn't pass onto me, my birth mother was human. The gene didn't affect me," I said in a much calmer tone then his.

"I don't need this... you don't need this. Sophie this is way too much stress on you!" he said throwing his hands in the air.

"What? There's nothing stressful about that! Chris warner is my birth dad how is that stressful??" I asked annoyed.

"It just is," he muttered.

"You aren't making any fucking sense, what the fuck is wrong with you!?" I asked stamping my foot.

"I do not want you seeing him again," Jake warned what the hell!

"What the hell? You can't stop me," I snapped.

"If you talk to him again Sophie I will never talk to you," he growled and walked away leaving me there gobsmacked with his words. He couldn't say that, right?

Till this day I hadn't talked to Chris or Jake or any of my brothers. I kept to myself in my bedroom. I only saw the boys when they brought me up food, I rarely even touched that.

I had started to think about death again, was it worth it... my life? I had even tried to commit suicide a few days ago but Jake found me on top of the roof and dragged me back down. Everytime I thought of suicide I saw Ash's face in my mind. Everytime thought I was worthless he would come into my mind. I had no idea why, it wasn't like I thought about him, he had made it pretty clear that he didn't need me, he had his whore. I used to think that Ash was everything good in my life, boy was I wrong he just turned out to be a heartless dick!

When I was a little girl I used to think that Doves were God's spiritual pet. Well I guess I get to find out soon.

Today all I had done was stay in my room lying in my bed; I had a real urge to sing. I had the perfect song in my head. Everytime by Brittney Spears. I grabbed my phone something I hadn't touched in so long. I scanned through my music and found the song. I clicked it and let the introduction of the song flood my room. I hummed along with the intro and let my weak voice take over

(Play song now)

Notice me

Take my hand

Why are we

Strangers when

Our love is strong

Why carry on without me?

Everytime I try to fly

I fall without my wings

I feel so small

I guess I need you baby

And everytime I see you in my dreams

I see your face, it's haunting me

I guess I need you baby

I make believe

That you are here

It's the only way

I see clear

What have I done?

You seem to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly

I fall without my wings

I feel so small

I guess I need you baby

And everytime I see you in my dreams

I see your face, you're haunting me

I guess I need you baby

I may have made it rain

Please forgive me

My weakness caused you pain

And this song is my sorry

Ohh

As I was singing I thought about what the song was about it described me very well. My weakness did cause people pain and sorrow. It wasn't my intention or my fault that I had cancer, I guess some idiot had no brain to understand that. I did need Ash... he was my gravity keeping me sane. standing up I used my bedside cabinet for support to stand, I could barely hold my weak body up, I stretched my legs and walked over to my wardrobe I pulled out the white and red poppy dress. Feeling tears form in my eyes I couldn't help but think about the ceremony.

Ash turned towards me so he wasn't facing his dad, he cleared his throat and looked deeply into my eyes. I suddenly felt a connection to his wolf, like I was seeing his wolf right in my mind. I gasped and Ash smirked obviously knowing what was going on. I suddenly saw his wolf and me running around. Him chasing me, the scene than changed into a house, me by the fire, I looked really fat. Then it hit me I was pregnant, I looked properly at the scene Ash's wolf by my feet snuggled in close to me. I saw a canvas picture it was of me and Ash. I was wearing a white dress Cinderella dress and my hair and makeup done up to perfection. Ash was in a suit and wrapping his arms around me. It was our wedding portrait. The scene changed and it wasn't pretty it was me giving birth; I flinched at the expression on my face. The scene changed a few more times showing our children, our 10th wedding anniversary, before it changed into a cold sad but happy scene. It was a graveyard there were two tombstones one had a name 'Sophia Olivia Carter' the other 'Ashton William Carter'. It was us. Ash wolf left my eyes and I saw him running back to Ash. I dropped my gaze from Ash's eyes and looked down.

That had been the happiest days of my life, but now that was all thrown away like trash in a bin. I guess I would never get my happily ever after, the one I dreamt of ever since I was a little girl, the one I used to fantasize about the one I used to play with my Barbie's and dolls. I wiped my tears away. I hanged the dress back up on the rack and closed my wardrobe doors and turned around taking deep breaths as I felt the pain that I had felt last year, except this pain was different and stringer, strong enough to drain the life out of me.

Sighing I looked around my deserted, dead room. I needed to get out of here, out of my depressing room, out of the depressing air and into new air and a new room that I wouldn't feel isolated or alone. Chris was right I needed to live my short life. Walking as best as I could I went towards my door feeling extra weight on myself. I opened it and stepped out into the freshness of the upstairs hallway. I started walking towards the stairs. I began to feel really dizzy, I wobbled and swayed. What the hell was happening?? I stumbled and I felt a wave of nausea and pain on me before I knew it I reached the stairs and stumbled over the first step down. I blacked out COLD....

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I am so sorry... I was actually crying a lot towards the end of the chapter.

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Greenlilly99 (Dhana) xx