midnight thoughts

i can't lose you

sept./22/2020, 12:13 AM

You never really understood, didn't you? Maybe I didn't explain it well, I can't think when I'm hurting. Even so, I tried explaining to you what hurt me. Every single time you'd help me, and you still do. We're both trying our hardest to understand each other's problems. But you always seemed to understand and help me better. I guess I'm bad at comforting people. Even if you helped me countless times, I don't think you understood.

Maybe because it's in my body, not in yours. The pain I feel are like swords getting stabbed right into my chest. You always removed them for me. But you hurt me too. I stayed silent because I needed you, and always will. The pain that builds up after you hurt me is... horrible. There's no word to describe it. I've cried for hours because you hurt me.

I can't face the fact that you're the person I need most in my life, because I'm afraid of what might happen. What if I lose you? I can't let that happen. You'd never leave me, you said so yourself, yet I can feel you slowly drifting away. You found an entirely new world, one which I've never thought about, and you're welcomed there. There's so many people out there that can replace me.

That's what I'm worried of. And there's already signs of that happening. Maybe I'm overthinking, I don't really know, but I can't ignore it. Someone actually loves you for being you..? When I already did? Did I really just become an absolute nobody?

Now, just that little comment was enough to make my head spiral out of control. My demons played with my thoughts and feelings, so did you.

I'm scared, honestly. Because I feel like I'm going to lose you.