Drowned but Not Out

Ch16

TW SH, suicidal

"Meredith!" Derek yelled and ran over to her where she lay seizing. He quickly turned her onto her side

"Please stop seizing, please stop seizing." Derek whispered to himself.

Finally Meredith's body stopped seizing and Derek let out a deep sigh of relief that he didn't realize that he had been holding. Now that Meredith was awake Derek was able to look around the room and saw the blood that was around Meredith and on her wrist.

"Did she cut herself? Oh Mer." Derek can't help but think to himself.

Meredith started to come around but was pretty out of it still and wasn't super aware of her surroundings.

"Hey Mer, how are you feeling sweetie?" Derek asked her softly.

"I'm f-fine." She whispered softly.

"Mer, I need to ask you a question and I need you to be honest with me."

Don't ask me what I think you're going to ask Derek. I'm just going to lie.

"O-okay Cats meow!" Meredith made a face at herself.

Stupid! Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"Did you cut yourself?"

"N-no. I-I di-didn't! Quack! Meow! Woof!" Meredith started to get tears down her face because of her tics. "I h-hate t-this! I-I meow can't d-o any *clap* thing a-anymore!" She shivers.

"Mer, it's okay. You are going to be fine. We just need to get you adjusted and able to manage your tics. We will get it under control. I promise you that." Derek said to Meredith.

"She says she didn't do it on purpose... but I don't think I believe that. And I hate not believing her. I think I need to hide all of our knives and sharp objects. I don't want her to hurt herself." Derek wonders again.

"Come on, let's get you dressed." Derek helps Meredith get up and back into the bedroom. He keeps looking at the incisions that she made, which doesn't go unnoticed by Meredith.

"D-d-derek, g-go." Meredith tries to push Derek away but she feels so weak after her seizure she doesn't have the strength to do it.

"I will in a minute, what do you want to wear?"

Just leave, Derek.

Meredith ignores Derek's question so he just picks out a pair of his joggers and a hoodie, which she slips into easily. Too easily. Derek wonders if Meredith has lost weight, but figures since she isn't working it makes sense that she would have.

Meredith ignores Derek trying to help her and climbs into bed and pulls the covers over her head in order to block everything out.

Derek sighs. He knows Meredith is not okay but he doesn't know what to do to help her.

A few minutes after she hears Derek leave the room, she kicks off all of the covers. She feels so warm. She was freezing just a few minutes ago but now she's burning up.

It's so hot! I hate this! Why can't I control my body temperature?! Like let me have control for ten minutes before switching to the other!

She takes her joggers off and throws them on the floor, unable to take the feeling of being too warm with them on.

I hate my life so much. I wish I was dead.

She silently cries herself to sleep.

Derek decides first that he is going to hide all of the knives and any sharp objects. He goes to the kitchen and collects all of the knives and other things she could use to harm herself with. He decides to hide these objects in a box behind the pots and pans cabinet, knowing Meredith would never think to look there as she never cooks.

He goes back upstairs and enters the bedroom and sees Meredith has kicked off all of the covers that were on her. He also sees her joggers thrown in a pile on the floor.

Derek sighs, hating the fact that Meredith cannot control her body temperature anymore. He enters the bathroom and finds the razor Meredith used to self harm with and takes it with him to add to the other sharp objects. What he doesn't realize is Meredith has more razor blades hidden.

Derek knows he needs help to help Meredith so he decides to call Bailey.

After a few rings, Bailey finally picks up so Derek leaves the room and stands in the hallway, too nervous to be too far away from Meredith.

"Bailey! I'm really worried about Mer. She.. she cut herself. She says she didn't do it on purpose but you know Meredith. Then there was the whole situation with the ferryboat crash, she's not okay! Bailey.. I think.. I think she needs help."

Unknown to Derek, Meredith woke up when she heard him talking. She snuck towards the door, just in time to hear his last sentence.

No! No, I do not need help! I need to die! Why doesn't anybody understand this?!

Meredith backed away from the door and tiptoed back into their en-suite bathroom and stuffed a towel under the door to stop anyone coming in. She began to fill up the bath and as she waited for it to fill up, she went to her secret hiding spot to get her trusted razor.

Please, don't hate me Derek.

We hope you liked! Thanks to my co-writer natkat28