Drowned but Not Out

Chapter 15

TW : self harm

This cannot be happening. I refuse to accept it.

"Mer-"

"No!"

"Baby-"

"No!"

I can't believe they've officially removed me as a surgeon at the hospital.

"It's only temporary. Until we get this under control. I've done research, so many people with Tourette's Syndrome are still able to work full time in their high intensity jobs, so can you. We just need to get you help."

"I don't need, ducks go QUACK, help!"

That's not going to help to convince him.

"Here, I'll show you. Let me get my laptop."

"I can look on mine, I'm capable of that, aren't I?!"

Meredith got off the couch where they were both sitting and began to walk up the stairs, she kicked the bottom step several times before ascending up the flight of steps. Derek spun his head around but when Meredith just huffed at her actions, he quickly realised that it was just another tic.

After 30 minutes, Derek went upstairs and saw their bedroom was in complete disarray. Meredith had opened every drawer and got out most items of clothing they owned. He went towards their shared office and, similar to their bedroom, every drawer was open and paperwork was everywhere. She must have gotten cold at some point as she was also wearing a teddy bear jacket now as well.

"Meredith?"

"What?!"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine."

"I was waiting for you."

Meredith rolled her neck, slowly at first as if she was stretching the muscle and then she jerked it to the side which made her wince.

"W-why?"

"You were getting your laptop?"

My laptop! Yes! That's what I needed. I knew I was looking for something.

A look of relief swept across Meredith's face as she remembered.

"Did you forget?" Derek asked curiously.

"No, c-course not. I couldn't find it."

Derek wasn't convinced that she couldn't find it but didn't want to pester Meredith too much knowing that when she was upset her tics got worse. Especially when he noticed her laptop was sitting on top of the desk, untouched, like it had been for the last few days as she hadn't seemed to want to do anything.

----

The next day, Meredith is sitting on the couch curled up under a blanket with her head resting on the arm. Derek got called into the hospital yesterday afternoon so Meredith had been left alone. She had overheard him on the phone begging that they find someone else to cover him but she knows he is one of the best neurosurgeons in the country so she said she'll be fine and that he should go. It's been just over 24 hours and Meredith had barely moved off the couch.

"Kittens! Kittens, cats, dogs and puppies! Ugh"

I wish I could just shut up. I hate this. I hate this stupid life. I really just wish I could die. This isn't fair. Everything has changed. Derek should have just let me die in the bathtub! It's not like I can try it again anytime soon because that would be too obvious and he's already tried the psychiatry trick.

"MER! I'M HOME!" Derek calls out when the door swings open.

"In here." Meredith barely whispers back.

"You would not believe the case they had me on, it was a little girl who had - Mer, that's what you were wearing yesterday. Have you moved at all?"

"Of course I have."

Liar.

"Mer.."

"Derek, please, I'm tired."

"Let's go to bed then."

"Nah, I'll sleep on the couch here. I'm comfortable now."

Derek looked at her hesitantly and wanted to encourage her up to their bedroom but decided against it so kissed her forehead and left her on the couch.

The next morning, Derek came downstairs and paused on the stairs as he watched Meredith as she ticced. His heart broke as he could hear her groan in frustration at the end.

"Morning, Mer."

Meredith turned her head and smiled at him. Derek realised that her smile didn't quite reach her eyes. He noticed that her eyes looked dull, like her sparkle had gone from them but they was also red so she didn't sleep either.

"Did you sleep well?"

Meredith nodded.

Liar.

Derek bent down and kissed her forehead. He went into the kitchen and began to prepare some breakfast for them both. He got a bowl of muesli for himself and some lucky charms for Meredith. He took both bowls into the lounge and sat next to his beautiful, but struggling, girlfriend.

"Thanks." Meredith said after being handed the bowl. They turned on the TV and started to watch some mindless show that neither of them was paying any attention to. Both were just happy to be next to each other.

Suddenly, Meredith's arms jerked forward and the bowl she was holding, and the contents in it, was on the floor.

Fuck.

"Oh, shi.. Der.. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I'll grab stuff to clean it up. You stay here."

"I-I.. I'm going to h-have a s-shower. I-I-I'm sorry."

Meredith jumps off the couch and runs up the stairs, Derek could hear her sniffing and guessed she was crying. He was silently beating himself up for not anticipating that she might tic and drop the bowl. They'll have to eat at the table from now on.

Upstairs, Meredith had the shower switched on and was sat on the shower floor with a blade in her hand. Again.

I'm so stupid. I need to control myself. Once I control my tics better, I can get back to work. Derek said it. Bailey said. I just need to force myself to be better. I'm so stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Meredith slowly pressed into her skin.

I.. I just.. need..

Meredith's upper half of her body fell backwards so she was lying flat in her in shower as her limbs began to seize and curl in on themselves and spasm.

Derek was downstairs and was beginning to grow nervous. He glanced over at the clock, Meredith had gone up stairs to have a shower 45 minutes ago. She must of gotten out by now. He wanted to check on her and make sure she was okay after dropping the bowl, he knew it wasnt her fault. Derek just wanted to help Meredith.

As he started to walk up the steps, he could hear the water hitting the tiles in their bathroom. When he got in their bedroom, he called out her name.

Nothing.

"Mer? I'm not mad, you know?" He shouted as he walked towards the en-suite, slowly opening the door.

"Oh, shit! Meredith!"

We hope you liked! Thanks to my co-writer natkat28