Evanescent

The Seeds of Self Doubt

• Eunmi •
Ever since I had been training with Yomo, I've been trying my best to apply myself to more physical activities. I realized how out of shape I was just by the very first session, and what I needed to improve on as far as my health. However, I knew that I can't exactly change my diet. Yomo had told me, in order to get stronger and for me to adapt, I would have to consume human flesh. The more I remembered that key factor, the harder it was to look the ones I loved most in the eye, from my own parents to my very best friend. It was consuming me, and lately, I've been finding myself having nightmares of myself, and of ghouls to even Rize.

I dreamt I would become a crazed ghoul after having a first taste, and I would end up killing everyone I love.

And I would end up alone forever.

I would need to become stronger, and improve.

And here it is, sitting right in front of me in a neatly wrapped package. I merely gulped at the sight knowing what it contained. I was left alone after tutoring Ayato and Yoshimura had given it to me and gave me some alone time. I've never ever craved human flesh, and never have I thought in a million years I would be eating it let alone attempting to. And it's sitting right in front of me, almost in a scarily tempting way

"Ugh.. I can't.." I sighed covering my face with my hands. "I just.." I muttered before hearing two soft knocks on my door. "Come in.." I called out before hearing the door open and close. "Hey kiddo.." Touka said with a soft tone. "Hey Touka..." I said as I looked up to face her. "Having a hard time..?" She asked as she sat across from me. "Yeah.. very. I know I have to but.. I just... being human for so long.. and now being a ghoul just.. it's a shock to me still.." I said. She hummed in response before she looked out the window. "I can't say I understand much of your situation.. this has been unheard of, it's really unique" she began. "But.. time is ticking.. and you can't thrive off of human food forever. Especially now that you've gotten involved with Rize, and who else knows what's out there.." she said. "And you made the choice to stay here with us, and train too. You easily could have just left and forgotten everything, or even report us to the CCG but you did neither of those things.. I think there's part of you that has embraced your ghoul side, even if you're reluctant to do so" she added. She was right, I could have done either of those things but I hadn't. As to why, I'm not sure.

I looked back down at the package of flesh in front of me. "You.. you may be right.. but.. I don't think I'm ready. What if I have no self control like Rize or some other ghouls do? What if the moment I try it, it's all I crave?" I questioned. "Well.. we have your back.. we will help you in every way we can" she said looking at me with a gentle smile. I felt a bit reassured but at the same time, uneasy. "Thanks.. but I can't help but compare.. between me and the Hizashi siblings.. this life is all they've known, and on top of that they're so skilled.." I sighed. "They're halfbreeds too.. I feel like I can never improve on their level" I added before feeling a flick to the forehead. "Ouch" I pouted.

"Stop comparing... those guys.. those guys have gone through a lot.. and I mean a lot.." she said. "They lost their father when they were young.. and in fact, they lost their human mother not too long ago. I think maybe just last year.." She added. 'Human mother..' I thought. "What..?" I questioned. Those two always were so laid back, aggressive at times and so caring at the same time. To have these things happen to them, it must've been the most awful thing in the world. "That's.. that's so cruel.. this world is so cruel" I mumbled. "It is.. but it's up to us to make it not be so bad.." she said as she placed her hand on the top of my head. "Don't ever doubt yourself, you're not really yourself when you do despite the short time spent together" she said before getting up and removing her hand from me. "I'll be here if you need me okay?" She questioned. "Gotcha.. thanks Touka.." I said with a smile. She nodded before leaving me in the room by myself once again. I looked back at the package and took a hold of it with a slight gulp. Can I really do this? I hesitantly held the package and began to unwrap it, little by little. I saw the familiar color of crimson, followed by the scent of copper. I felt disgusting, however the other part of me had my mouth watering. Like my body knew what it wanted and it wanted to devour every single bite.