Nothing comes between us

7.

1461 days, 209 weeks, 48 months, 4 years; this is the time that had passed since that dinner at Leigh's house and so many things were different.

Perrie, after many arguments with Alex had decided to put music aside and dedicate all of her energy to their family and Disora. Axel was now 5 years old and he was the greatest joy of her life. She felt so lucky and honored to be his mommy.

On the other hand, her relationship with Alex hadn't always been amazing through these years. On the surface everything appeared great, they seemed to have the most wonderful relationship; social media and tabloids portrayed them as one of the most solid couples of the moment, but how far was it from reality.

Regret is the term that could best describe the girl's emotional state during the first years after the break. Regret for not fighting more for her solo career, regret for not explaining Alex for the umpteenth time how music was important to her and how giving it up would also imply losing a part of herself. Regret because she had already created some hits in the studio.

Unbelievably to her, she also felt regret for not listening to Jade when she asked to reconsider the hiatus; it's so ironic how the girl who was the most certain about it had soon started reconsidering it; and the one that felt the saddest about it was now living her best life.

Her relationship with Alex wasn't full of fights or disagreements, it was rather still and filled with unspoken words and unspoken explanations. She loved him so much, he was Axel dad, the man who she has been with for so many years, but she couldn't help but also see him as the one who made her give up her dream.

And she felt regret because deep inside she knew that if she had been completely honest with him and had explained exactly what she was feeling he would have understood. With weeks and months passing she started asking herself if she used Alex's concerns as an excuse to avoid facing the real reason she didn't start her solo career, which is fear.

Fear of not being able to succeed alone; fear of not being able to work without the girls and fear of not being a present mom and partner.

Over time, all those unspoken words, all those repressed emotions, all those unfaced fears started eating her alive in the form of her well known anxiety and panic attacks. This time though she didn't have that amazing support system around her. She tried to keep her mother and Alex in the dark until those attacks turned into physical manifestations.

She expected her boyfriend to be disappointed, to be sick and tired of her anxiety but on the contrary he had been extremely supportive. Alex tried to spend more time with her, to help more with their son and spend more quality time as a family and as a couple. He also suggested trying to work on music again, to release some singles and see how it went, but Perrie refused.

Maybe he wasn't in the dark, maybe he knew that such attacks were partly related to what he asked her to give up and he tried as best as he could to repair that damage that he unintentionally had created.

No, their relationship wasn't the one magazines and social media portrayed and it wasn't the same as four years before. Something had broken along the way and they were aware of it. They were working on it, for the love that they had for each other, for the love that they had for their son and because they couldn't imagine being with someone else.

It was now one year later and things with Alex were slowly starting to get better, but they both knew that there was still a lot of work to do.

In the same way, her relationship with the girls changed drastically during those four years. Their calls and messages in the group chat went from daily, to weekly, to monthly, to being sporadic and related to some special occasions.