Confessions of the Eternally Broken-Hearted

CHAPTER 5: CONFESSIONS TO THE ANGEL

"There is nothing like young love. It comes at a time before the heart knows to protect itself, when everything is raw and exposed – the perfect environment for a soul-sucking, heart-crushing burst." ~ Alessandra Torre, "The Ghostwriter"

That's everything Orion, at least from my point of view.  I want you to know that not once did I regret anything that was said or done or in our case, that wasn't said or done.  I was caught off guard that night at the retreat when you arrived out of nowhere.  I wasn't ready to talk to you then, didn't even know what to say.  Nor did I expect to be the one initiating the talk, since I poured my heart out already in that letter.  I was honestly hoping you would say something – tell me what you thought, how you felt, what my letter and confession meant to you.  But you didn't say anything.  So, what was I to do?  Figuratively speaking, the ball was in your court.

But even after that, I put myself out there and risked another silent treatment.  Do you remember the day I messaged you, after you went to see me at that retreat?  Gave it one more shot – for us to talk.  I asked you if we could meet at the side of the chapel on schoolgrounds after classes.  I told you I'd wait for you.  Looking back at it now, I should have known what would happen.  You didn't even respond to my message.  Still, I went.  It was a sunny afternoon but with a cool, chilly breeze.  If I remember things correctly, think it was just right after some storm.  Somehow, that thought comforted me; left me hopeful.  That maybe in our case, there would be some respite as well after all the storms that have happened.  I waited for you at the side of the chapel.  Even went inside, sat there, and prayed...no, willed...that you would come.  I was ready then.  I was willing to swallow my pride and initiate the conversation – the one I couldn't do that fateful night.  I was ready to ask the questions I needed to and get some response.  I wasn't expecting you to say you felt the same or anything crazy like you leaving Stella for me.  I just needed to know what you thought, how you felt.  Ironically, I was thinking to myself then that it would be at the very least some form of closure.  I waited for hours.  Think I stayed there for two or three, but you never came.  It was then I knew that I would never get my answers.  And maybe I lost my chance at them that night, in that classroom where we stayed in silence.  So, I went home, yet again utterly broken.  Another hit to the heart that left it shattered in pieces and me damaged; giving me another reason to put up my walls.

At that point, the pain was too much to bear already.  I knew I didn't deserve to be hurting, but I was.  It was the price of falling in love – for the very first time – more so the price I had to pay for what seemed to be unrequited love.  Despite that weight I carried, I went on.  Went on loving you still.  Truth be told, two years after everything that's happened, I still loved you deeply.  We were already in university by then.  I would remember passing by the benches where you hung out with your friends, and I would still feel that same feeling I had when we were in junior high – anxious and wearisome.  This time, I had to deal with it alone because Rafferty and my other friends went to a different university than I did.

It took me that amount of time to get over the fact that it wasn't meant to be and even if it felt and looked right, I knew deep down that the foundations of whatever we had were shaky at best.  You weren't in it like I was.  Story of my life.  The even sadder thing about it, is no guy who tried to grab my attention during the seven years I spent loving you, could ever match-up to you.  You took my heart away that first day when you smiled at me; when you showered me with attention and saw me, the real me, and that moment when you sent me that quote.  You had my heart. So, I kept on loving you, even if I knew you could never love me back – at least not in the way I wanted you to.

Time passed by and eventually I was able to move on.  We both graduated and went our separate ways.  One thing stayed consistent though, we really could never find the courage to speak about things even as adults.  Though my heart healed, it was damaged by the pain, and I couldn't bear the thought of reopening whatever conversations we needed to have.  Once, I was in the city signing a job offer.  I walked out after that, happy and ecstatic so I went to the nearest mall to kill time and celebrate. I was thinking to myself, it's a sunny day.  Just got a new job and I should go to my favorite café, grab some carbonara and this banoffee dessert that I was obsessed with.  Then, I wanted to treat myself to a massage so I could relax before going back home.  Walking towards the café, with a spring in my step that was suddenly put to a stop because I saw you, on the other end of the hall, walking towards me.  Surprisingly, I felt confidence surge through me that moment.  I was ready to say hi.  After all, it had been years since we saw each other.  We were both adults, what was a simple hi?  Your reaction though brought me back.  I was about to wave and smile at you, but when you saw me, you looked away and walked faster.  That was all it took for the wounds to reopen.  I didn't eat at the café.  I went straight to the spa, thinking some R&R would help.  But it didn't.  I cried.  Again. And all it took was a simple moment of you ignoring me.

Now, thankfully I can look back without bursting into tears.  Imagine if I still did.  I know we never spoke about the things that happened, but you were and will always be my first love.  Even if it was unrequited – at least I experienced the thrill of young love, as always, in my own unique way.  You being my first love won't ever change.  You made an impact in my life in ways you can't even imagine.  You made me believe that someone like me can love.  You made me hope that love was even possible at all.  And that was enough.  To this day, I'm grateful that you opened my eyes to the possibilities.  My experiences with you taught me to see the beauty in love.  It taught me to take risks.  It taught me to put myself out there and at the very least - try.  Otherwise, what was the point?  As Alfred Tennyson's "In Memoriam" poem states – "Tis better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."

So today, I thank you my sweet angel.  For opening my eyes to the idea of love.  And like I said in my letter, you will always have a place in my heart and that a part of me will always be with you.

Yours in young love,

Aaliyah