Confessions of the Eternally Broken-Hearted

CHAPTER 2: THE ANGEL'S DILEMMA

"A friend is an angel, someone that's true. An angel I love and who loves me too. Someone who cares about everything I do, a friend, an angel – to me that's you." ~ Unknown

Days, months & a couple of years pass by and honestly, they all seemed to blur into each other. Endless classes, school projects & activities have come and gone but the one thing that kept me motivated was the thought of seeing you and getting to know you more. Unbeknownst even to me, I was actually inspired by you. Eventually we moved on from corridor hi's and hello's to talking on the phone. I remember that day when we exchanged phone numbers – I was giddy like a young schoolgirl would be. Those early conversations were short and sweet, smeared with the innocence of youthful bliss. I would make any excuse to give you a call – a question about a school activity or even some random class thing – all in the hopes of hearing your reassuring voice and the smile behind it. It was enough to send my heart fluttering through the roof. At school I relished moments when you would notice me, a simple hi, a chat in the corridors, interactions during school activities. And I would try to be noticed by you; I started smiling a little bit more, well as much of a smile I could gather when I wasn't a ball of frazzled bones. I started wearing this pear fragrance that had a sweet scent; it quickly became my favorite because you would notice it and compliment me for it. I started liking gym classes, because it gave me an excuse to be out of my oversized uniform - that was almost always two or three sizes big on me - and wear short shorts that would emphasize my long legs – an unexpected bonus from being tall and lanky. Choir was something I also started getting into, especially since we got to perform in school functions and such. Being the only soprano back then gave me an advantage of standing out in the crowd and being noticed and heard.

Basically, I did anything and everything that would bring to the forefront the little girl in me. Much to my surprise, other guys started noticing too. The teasing moved from insults to I guess a version of catcalling. Boys will be boys after all. But I didn't care, all that mattered to me is that I hoped you would take notice of me, Orion. And I guess to a certain extent you did notice. To me that was more than enough.

As with any young love story, that fateful and pivotal moment came. We were already in Junior High, think it was the 8th grade. We had our own little routine of interacting with each other, our little world that just consisted of you and me. A world where you would always make me laugh, one where I felt heard and seen, it was one where you showed in your own way how you cared about me and my life. And it meant a great deal to me. You were the first who actually took the time to notice me, made an effort to get know about me; in essence it felt like you saw me and it was a big deal. In retrospect, it seemed the secret world between us should have been my warning; but I was young, foolish, and falling in love.

One morning, on my way to school and amidst early morning traffic – the kind that you would sleep through - we were texting, and you sent me a quote. To this day I remember it by heart – "a friend is an angel someone that's true. An angel I love and who loves me too. Someone who cares about everything I do, a friend, an angel – to me that's you."

You cannot comprehend how my heart went to overdrive. It was beating so fast, and I wanted to scream and be giddy. But I was with my parents then and that would have been a disaster. I never felt such pure, unbridled joy – all because I received those words from you. To me – at the very least – it made sense; almost like a culmination of all those moments we've had. Those words meant a lot to me. It was the moment that I think I recognized; this was more than a school crush. It was the moment when I knew I was falling for you...that I did feel love for you.

But that was also the time when things changed between us. At the very least it changed the way I was around you; the way I interacted with you; the way I treated you. Everything I said or did, suddenly, was done out of innocent love. A love that I was conscious about and felt I had for you. Everything you said or did, suddenly was like a ray of sunshine that warmed my heart. Songs held a different meaning for me because, I could see you in them; in the words and in the melody of it all. Sometimes by Britney Spears held a special meaning. So did I Turn to You by Christina Aguilera, and so many other popular love songs. One thing I've realized though, we never spoke about that quote and what that meant to you. Or why you even sent it to me. We just went on as we did and maybe we should have spoken about it. It could have saved a lot of years of heartache and pain. But I was young, all I knew and all that mattered was what it meant to me. And that was enough.

Things started to change around us as well. People started noticing how we were around each other – or maybe more apt would be – how I was when you were around. We got teased more by our peers in school. 9th grade was a turning point, especially after what I did for your birthday. Remember that gift I gave you? The one, which to me was a symbol of time – our time – as such, held special meaning. I was too shy and embarrassed to give it to you myself, so I asked my friend Leon to give it to you that morning. Apparently, it caused quite a ruckus in your class – and boy did I dread that school day. Leon said, "oh god, don't even worry about it. Orion seemed happy to receive it and asked me to say thank you to you. He did ask where you were and why you weren't the one giving it to him. Stop being a worry-wart!" Couldn't help myself though. I've always been a fusspot.

I remember your response to it when we finally saw each other, after you got the gift. That afternoon, I recall how you and your friend Drew saw me perchance as I was about to head home. Drew was this bulky, athletic soccer-kid. He had a reputation for being tough and generally not a pushover. He wasn't one you wanted to mess with. Cornered like a mouse in a room, Drew started teasing us with all the sexual innuendo only a teenage boy like him could muster. Just because of a gift that was given with the intention of celebrating you and it being a symbol of the time we've spent together. Nothing more. Nothing less. What caught me off guard was your reaction. I saw how split you were with what and how you really felt vs. what you should feel and react, especially given your friend Drew was around. That dichotomy was palpable in you that day – the feeling of being stunned, thankful and appreciative but also the need to belong with your peers & the jeers I received that time.

And that went on since then. Whenever we'd see each other on the corridor or I'd pass by, rest assured the jests were there. In public, you would just go along with the jibes; you wouldn't actively throw teasing remarks, but you wouldn't stop them either. You'd just be smiling & laughing along. Adolescence makes one do things that would please the crowd or the group and that was what you were doing. Besides, for a young teen boy the attention was an ego booster. Being fawned over and liked was something boys at that age would relish.

I would dread the moments in public as it made me retreat in my own protective shell. It formed much of who I am today and how I dealt with conflict. That was probably one of the earliest moments, which triggered my response of forming walls around my heart; when things got tough, I would protect myself and bury my emotions behind those walls so I could get through the day. My walls were always up in public to protect myself. Think that's why I got the reputation of being stoic and mean. What people didn't know is that my defense mechanisms were just on.

In private, things were different though when the walls were down, I would fall apart. I felt every jeer, jibe, and snide remark. It hurt more than I thought it should. But like every other pain I felt and encountered, I carried that weight and endured. That was also because, when you and I were left to our own devices, we seemed to still have our own little bubble. At least that was how it felt to me. We would continue to exchange pleasantries, talk about random stuff, send quotes – like nothing changed outside of it. And in that little world it felt like things were all right. When we were together, my defenses were down. I would show you my heart and let you in. I would savor those private moments because things felt special; it made me feel like you saw, understood and to a degree accepted who I was. It also healed any wounds I had emotionally – like a soothing salve over the burns & scars.