Confessions of the Eternally Broken-Hearted

CHAPTER 3: THE ANGEL & HER

"Of all the people my heart could have chosen, it decided on a boy who didn't have enough room in his own heart to love someone like me." ~ a.v.

What happened next, I guess was to be expected. Part of being a teenager – it was unavoidable that there would be soirees, parties and all activities that youthful innocence brings. And that was a world I didn't revolve in. But of course, you did. Why wouldn't you? You were one of the popular kids and it was a world that you would naturally fit in. One day, Rafferty told me that you were liking a girl you met during one of the soirees. Her name was Stella. She was pretty, with long wavy-hair, svelte figure, beautiful round light brown eyes and looks that any boy would fawn over. More than that, she was smart and had a point of view on things, a strong character with varied interests. A popular girl in her school and had that same air of confidence all trendy kids had. And at a certain point, it got confirmed that you both started seeing each other. Orion and Stella. A power couple in your own rights with all the glitz and glam that Junior High offered.

For a moment, I thought maybe this would mean what we had would stop. It put me in a tizzy because I didn't want it to end. You held a special place in my life and heart. Surprisingly, they didn't end. Maybe reduced in frequency, but it wasn't like you cut me off. And yet again, I found myself in a place where I was happy with that; satisfied even, and that it was enough. Thinking back now, it was probably when I developed that complex of being contented with whatever crumbs of attention, care and love was given to me. A theme that would be constantly played throughout my life. But it didn't really matter to me.

At school, things were status quo. Whenever we were around each other, we were still being teased. We were so identified with one another, and our peers assumed I was crushing badly with you, so it went on for years. Little did they know, at least on my end, feelings beyond a crush were already involved. In our bubble, things were also status quo. We would continue to exchange stories, quotes, and chat. I was happy with that. But you seeing Stella unearthed other emotions in me. You were obviously happy and elated with her. That much was clear to me. But it also brought to light my own insecurities. Like I wasn't enough to be that girl for you. That I wasn't girl enough. And I started feeling a sadness that I have never felt before. I see-sawed through emotional highs during our private moments and lows whenever you were with Stella. But I lived through it because I knew she made you happy. So, I swallowed that sadness and tried to be happy for you. In my mind, that was what you needed; she was who you needed, and it was something I couldn't give you.

Mid-year, we had this school activity to explore our university options both locally and abroad. Our entire grade had to go to this compulsory event, where we would be able to meet & greet with different people and get more information about the varied universities, locations, and programs they offered. It was in essence supposedly exciting times. We were a few years away from graduating high school and it was really the time to explore options and try to understand what our futures would hold. The night before, I messaged you. We were both class officers in our respective classes and I had a logistical question about the activity the next day. The response I got was something I did not expect. She responded.

Using your phone, she sent six simple words that somehow was enough to tear through me like a knife.

"Please don't text my boyfriend anymore."

Six words. Who knew those words would have the power to tear through me? I felt emotional pain like I've never felt before. I mean, I've felt emotional pain from failures, abuses I've experienced, the teasing and jeers; but this was new to me. I couldn't quite place why, but it hurt a lot more than I thought it would. Guttural tears just started pouring out of me. Devastation tore through me and tears constantly sprung that night. It just would not stop. I did not know what to say, how to react, nor what to do. I don't even remember what happened after – if I responded or if you sent something back to me. It all became a blur, ending with me in a puddle of tears as I cried myself to sleep that night; weary of the next day when I would see you at the school event.

The next morning, I woke up with red, puffy eyes. I remember my mom noticing and with a scoff asked me if I was crying. I couldn't tell her. Admitting tears would have meant telling her that I started liking boys and it was something my parents were vehemently against. I can hear them saying, "it's just wrong. You shouldn't even think the thought. No one would ever like you and you'd just end up getting hurt and used over and over again." So, I shrugged it away and said I had allergies. The ride to school was excruciating – I did not want to go to this activity at all. Upon arrival, the car stopped by the entrance, and it felt like the universe was conspiring against me because to my surprise, you were there with a group of your friends. You had this quiet, almost serious and disturbed look on you, sitting by the curbside. The sight of you was enough for me to start tearing up again. I quietly asked if I could be dropped off further before you saw me, and thankfully the driver obliged. As I left the car, Rafferty and Leon spotted me and started calling me out loud. "Aaliyah! Orion's been looking for you all morning. He seemed worried and said he really needed to talk to you. Did something happen last night?" All I really wanted to do was hide. The walls that I was used to building around my heart weren't enough to shield the confusion, pain and hurt I felt. The only response I could muster was a quiet, "it's nothing, I don't want to talk about it right now." My friends sat me down and convinced me to tell them. So, I did through bursts of tears. I asked Rafferty where you were because I wanted to avoid you like the plague. I didn't want to see you. It hurt too much. We still had to wait for the buses and for all the kids in our grade to arrive before we could even leave. They walked around with me in campus and basically said, "ok, we'll avoid him."

We then roamed around schoolgrounds. You heard that I was already in and tried looking for me. But I was desperate to not see you. Not even talk to you. It even came to the point where I went to the principal's office just so you would stop following me. Buses were eventually loaded with kids and that was a welcome respite since we were in separate ones. At the university fair though, there was no avoiding you. I was in one of the tents, reading through pamphlets like a ghost. Nothing was getting absorbed and I was very absent-minded. You saw me from a distance, on the opposite side of the room and I think you saw the pain in my eyes. I saw the quiet apology in yours. Rafferty then approached me and pulled me to the side, "Do you really not want to talk to Orion?" I shook my head, holding back the tears that were threatening to spill yet again. And then just like the gift I gave you, apparently you had already asked Rafferty to tell me – "I'm sorry."

I didn't know what that sorry was for. Was it for Stella texting me? Was it for the hurt I was experiencing? Was it for everything? All I knew, was I didn't have it in me to talk to you and to find out. So that was it. We never spoke about what really happened.

Ever.