All Roads Lead to Us (Street Racers #1)

19: Yeeun

It didn't happen. The entire night of the party is just a dream. A pleasant dream. Nothing that night actually happened.

This is what I tell myself every time I see Jungkook to not have to spend money on a therapist. Which doesn't help a lot because whatever we have done that day (and night), I want it back. Whatever we have been doing all those weeks, I want it to stay. And I can't let it stay.

If I lie to myself enough, maybe one day I will go back to seeing Jungkook as nothing more than my best friend.

Maybe.

"Go with me to the gym," Jungkook says, walking into his living room with two bowls of ramen.

I am on his laptop, online-shopping. Day by day, everything from before our fight comes back. Like the break in our friendship lasted less than a minute.

"A what?" I chuckle.

"Gym. I wanna go back to working out."

Jungkook have been working out since I remember. Besides a crazy high school gym phase, where he did every possible workout, seven days a week, twice a day, he has been a normal gym goer most of the time. Gym and swimming is what stayed with him for years. The thing about Jungkook, however, is how fast he gains muscles and how long it takes him to lose muscles.

I have seen him shirtless a few days ago. And him mentioning gym puts ideas in my head. Visions that send a shiver down my spine and leave me way too warm. I ignore it.

"What do you need from me in the gym?"

"You used to go with me. Oh, come on. Don't be a lazy ass." He laughs, leaves the ramen on the coffee table, and glances at what I am adding to the cart. He chokes on air seeing a whole line of fishnets, but doesn't say anything. Instead, heads out to bring our drinks.

Maybe he is having weird ideas after that night of the party, too. (The night that obviously did not happen.)

It's true. I used to go with him to the gym, and I'm more than willing to have a good work out, for the sake of a nice body, but... I know what sight is waiting for me when I go with him to the gym.

I know where my focus will be. Away from my own workout. Fully on him.

I already have to fight off bits of that night that come back to my mind unexpected. Like in the morning, making me choke on my coffee, when I suddenly remembered how his fingers moved against me.

We had sex. And it was my idea. I must have gone insane. I knew what I was signing up for, I knew I would be thinking about it like an addict. I used to tease him in high school when he had a boner in class. Now I think about how it feels to sit on him when he has one. And this is nowhere near healthy.

It's not like I have never thought about it. It's not like I've never imagined... things. But it was just thinking. Now I know how it feels, I know the sounds, I know the way he moves under me, above me, inside me and-

The consequences of my actions should not be forcing me to press my legs together.

I shut my eyes and I don't even open them when, once again, I think about that night. I love you. He wrote it on my skin afterwards. I know he loves me. I know he hasn't moved on, and probably isn't going to any time soon.

I know I'm not going to make my feelings for him disappear. It makes less and less sense to be only friends, but I can't lose him because I'm greedy for more than friendship.

As he walks in with two drinks, he starts the topic of the gym again, but cuts himself off with a string of curses. The glasses cling, as he catches them last minute, upside down. The next second he is laughing over both drinks spilled on him and the floor, and I am laughing at him.