All Those Other Girls

Numb

I lay on my bed, scrolling through Lucas's instagram. He had a lot of exes. Blonde, blonde, brunette, blonde. They all looked like they could be Malibu barbies, and then there was me. Lying on my bed, curled up in a blanket in sweats and a baggy t shirt. There was a knock at my door. Mom entered, carrying some soup.
"Hey honey. How you feeling?" She asked.
"I don't wanna talk about it." I said. My face felt as puffed out as a balloon. My eyes were dry from crying. I had no more feelings. I just felt numb.
"Zia, I know breakups are hard, but it will get better. I promise." She said. She turned to leave.
"Wait." I said. She stopped. "Do you you remember when you told me to "get out there"?" I asked.
"Yes." Mom replied.
"Why?" I asked. Mom looked confused. "Why didn't you let me just read my books and watch movie marathons every night? Why did you tell me to go get friends and a boyfriend?" I asked. Mom sat down on my bed.
"Honey, do you know that you're getting stronger?" She asked. I shook my head. "Well, you are. This is building you're emotions. If you stayed home every night and went to the beach with me every day, do you think you would've ever pictured this? You, sitting on your bed, crying because you just broke up with your boyfriend? Do you think that you would've ever imagined this?" She asked.
"No." I said.
"And believe me, I know it's hard. I had plenty of exes back when I was your age." She said. I sat up.
"What? You, mom? But I thought you said you didn't have any fun when you were my age?" I said. Mom laughed.
"I said that to make you feel better. I didn't want to put pressure on you to get a boyfriend. I honestly didn't think that you would ever get out there. But you did. And in a way, this is good. Just remember this as a funny story to tell your children." She said.
"And Zia," She continued, "talk to Lucas."
"What? Why?" I asked. "He acted like a total jerk back there."
"Can I ask you something?" She said. I shrugged.
"Do you think Lucas loves you?" She asked.
"I don't know. I mean, I thought he did, but now I'm not so sure." I said.
"Well I know that he loves you. Do you think he would've put himself in that situation if he didn't love you? Do you think he would've lied about Mindy? And why do you think that he couldn't watch you lie to Mindy about your relationship?" She asked.
"Because he loves me." I mumbled.
"Exactly. Now, you don't have to text him, but if he texts you, please answer. Because I wish a boy would've cared that much about me when I was a teenager." She said. She then closed the door. I looked up at my ceiling. I didn't know what to do. I mean, I hadn't even checked my phone yet to see if he'd texted. I pulled myself up and went over to my desk. I picked my phone up. It looked like he had texted me about fifteen times in two hours. I opened the texts.
'Hey, Ik ur mad but plz know that I'm sorry. Can you meet at the lookout in an hour? I wanna talk to you'
I sighed. What was I supposed to do? Let this go? Hold a grudge? I picked up my phone. I looked once more at his instagram photos. But this time, I didn't see myself as a worse version of his exes. I saw myself as a smart, brave, beautiful girlfriend. I was the only one who had broken up with him. He had always been the one to end the other relationships, but not this one. It was me. And I realized that I wasn't like all those other girls. I was my own person, and I finally felt a feeling I had never felt before. Confidence. I went to Lucas's texts.
'See you in an hour.'