Yoonjin First

The rain inside of me

This chapter contains dark theme: anxiety, depression, suicidal ...watch it at your own responsibility, bearing in mind it may trigger you.

YOONGI POV

The worst part of sharing the room with the person you love the most is that it is your most private and personal space. That space that once in a while, not even the most loved should ever cross neither invade.

It doesn't need to be a rainy day, although it rains in your soul. It doesn't need to come out of stress, although the anxiety in it burns you alive from the inside. Neither it does need to be a lonely place, because loneliness resides in your heart.

Just one day you wake up and the monster inside is back. You try to move out of the bed but your body suddenly is 100 kilos heavier. You are not ill, what is your excuse to call sick? Depression? anxiety? Is that even an illness or the new term for lazy? Who will believe that's being sick? What symptoms are bad enough to justify your absence?
"Well right I think I also have a headache, yes definitely my head feels heavier, um tummy is also not so well, yeah I think that will do it". Just deal with it, because whatever symptoms came to your mind are now real and inflicting pain.
I now need a place to isolate, you can't think, the torture starts, none of your thoughts are coherent but they are all running at once to your head, your left eye starts to shut progressively as a sharp pain cross the back of your eyebal, it is so physical that you can almost see it, at least the distortion that is causing in your sight.
"You found your safe place Yoongi, no-one comes to the attic in regular basis"-  " How pitiful you behave hidden and running like a little child, confront your life"- " but I know I can't, not today"- " Stop please, stop. Stop talking to yourself, it is scary"- " You thought that was it? You fought so hard to calm the monster inside! But you are the monster Yoon, and the monster is you"
I grab my head I need to stop the fight, this internal fight, I want to sleep, no, I need to sleep. I apply a bit more pressure on my head, I try to cover all those points feeling sharp inside my head. Just enough pressure, not too much neither to little. It is better now, just slightly,  but feels so good "focus on this feeling, the pain is soothing, it will go" If at least I could rely on someone to keep the pressure I could sleep and fall into the semi-unconscious world. But I am alone, I must be alone, who would understand? Everyone will start giving you the magic potion, everybody knows what you going through, and just by those words, you know you are a  -rara avis- a freak, because you know in this storm nothing is so simple.
All your weaknesses, all your fears run again and again to your head, you are loosing control again, you almost fall asleep, you lost the pressure, " You. Are. Weak" "You know all those accusations to yourself are wrong, you try, you always try hard" - "No, of course not, you don't, you just victimise yourself, you feel pity of the person you are, you think you don't deserve this pain, how selfish! who does deserve this?"
I am not making sense anymore, this will never go. I feel guilt, anger, pity,... I condemned and redeemed myself thousand times but the monster is never satisfy. Why again and why now? Those are questions I need to get an answer, otherwise what's the point of keep going. If I don't know the cause and what it does trigger it. How do I know that the moments of peace will compensate these battles, the nightmare that terrifies me so much. "Please Yoon stop making it rational, you know this is not rational, you know what it comes next. Please think of all the good things you have"- "Jin, I have Jin. He is my life. He will suffer if this keeps up" - " Let him suffer, better now than latter, he will suffer few months, but he will move on and be honest to yourself he deserves better. End it NOW"
I need to stop please, I have good things, there is people that  will suffer for me. Jin will not recover from this, he is loosing the friend not just the lover. He was my best friend. I HAVE THE CONTROL. I can do this. I just have to resist few more hours. I am almost exhausted and I will fall asleep soon enough and I know tomorrow I will be to tired to feed the monster. Tomorrow and every day after will improve gradually. I need to be strong just a bit longer. Please God help me.

I feel numb, I can't  barely hear my name although someone is shouting for me, but it seems really far away. Everything is pitch black. I am lying on the floor and I know someone is shaking me but for some reason I don't feel my body. I start to see a blurry shape. It is Jin, anguish all over his face, he is the person calling me from so far away and he is shaking me. "Jin" I am not sure if the weak voice is audible as everything seems to move in slow motion. Suddenly all my senses get back to me. I feel weak and I don't remember how hard I fight the monster back, but I know why I tried my best to fight it back. "Jin, I fought for you. I don't want to leave you." - "Yoongie stay awake, help is on the way." Why is he so worked up? I just collapsed, I am fighting a monster, it is just normal, he knows I suffer panic attacks. "Why you are so selfish Yoonie? You know I can't overcome if you leave me. Do you know I need you? Please answer me, please!" I just now realised the bottle of pills in his hand. "So I didn't  fight enough. I am sorry" my senses are slowly leaving me again, may be I lost the whole war. He shakes me hard again, not letting go of me. He has the strength I lack, the will I lost. May be that's why I need him so desperately. He needs to know, it is the minimum I can give him. " Jin, I really tried, for you, just for you. I never wanted to hurt you, I never wanted to leave you" - "So fight Yoon, you must fight for me, you didn't lose yet love and I am here to fight with you. Never hide again, not from me. If you ever need to be alone again, let me know so we can both be alone together. Don't fall sleep baby fight back a bit longer for me and soon we will rest together in our bed baby"

After 3 days in the hospital we are back in our bed and all we can hear is silence and my own heart beeping calm. Not much was said, we don't need to, just that promise of our lonely fight together. We spent the day in bed, Jin is holding me soft, spooning me on his arms his head on the pillows and mine on his bicep, his hand is playing with my hair, curling each lock so delicately. Every time and now he needs to tight up his embrace on me, and I sense the fear he went through when he first found me unconcious on the floor. Then he relax and apologise for the extra pressure. I grab his arm around my chest and push it closer to my heart "Hold me tight Jin I need your strength". The rain within my soul stops. For now.

The monster did show up after almost 6 months of peace. That day I didn't  have to hide. Jin cancelled both of our schedules for the next 3 days we both lied on our lovely fluffy carpet, Jin gave me space, 2 meters apart face to face. Our hands intertwined, never wanting to loose connection with him. No words need it, just  "I am here" from time to time. When the pressure on my head was too much, Jin helped me through the pain, applying pressure over every point drilling through my head. Just enough pressure, not too much neither to little.

And when the monster understood that my ally was too strong for him and left. I scooped Jin in my arms and returned to our bed. I spooned him tight in my embrace, no words need it, just from time to time "Thank you for stopping the rain inside of me"