4 a.m. knows all my secrets

One is not enough.

It felt really weird, waking up and not feeling more tired than when I went to sleep. The anti psychotic does not seem to be working, people are still melting and the floor is still molten. The only difference was that the voices were not screaming they were just talking. It was weird but it was nice as well.

Alice was already awake. She was staring at me from her bed with a really creepy smile on her face. She looked like she was waiting for me to realise something but I did not know what. Then it hit me. Shit!

I grabbed the covers and pulled them over my stomach. That bitch was giggling at my tattoo. Sure it looked really dumb but it was important to me. The tattoo consisted of three numbers, more specifically a date.

I had the date tattooed on my left hip. It was the date my boyfriend said he loved me for the first time. It was 21.2.13. That was also the date of my seventeenth birthday. What irony. The day I was born was the day my boyfriend killed himself. What a great anniversary.

Alice was sporting a smile on her lips.

"So what is with the tattoo?" She asked, still giggling.

It was my 17th birthday. That was the date that my first boyfriend first said he loved me. That was also the date that he shot himself." I barely chocked out the last word before I broke into fits of tears and sobbing. Even thinking about it destroyed me.

Alice stopped smiling and cane over and hugged me. That was what we looked like for the next 20 minutes. A beautiful girl with the kindest most caring eyes was hold in the boy who was consoling the boy sobbing over his lost love. What a sight we were. The two opposites barely able to keep themselves together trying to piece each other back together. But that was what we were. Suicidal kids telling other suicidal kids that suicide is not the answer, another one of life's cruel jokes, just like my pathetic little life.

When I was finally able to pull myself together I told Alice the whole story. Of how Matt was abused by his parents and how he just could not keep fighting against himself. His battle with anorexia and major depressive disorder until life finally destroyed the boy I loved. We were made for each other but we we met each other to late. Society broke us beyond repair and we were both to broken to carry on. We were living in borrowed time. What a tragic mess we had been.

Alice listened intently to my tale, a sombre a pression on her face. She did not interrupt, she just listened as I poured my heart bout to as near complete stranger. What a tragedy I was.

After my confession we stayed like that for ever. I needneeded a friend then and she was a really good one. We had met only a few days ago but already this skinny girl knew more about my life that even even my own parents did.

Therapy was later today. Instead of being at 12 o'clock it was at 2. I did not want to leave the comfort of my bed but I didn't was not like I had much of a choice. Anyway, if it was Samuel then I would definitely be there.

We were in ab different room today. Apparently room 15 was being used to treat a patient with bulimia who had relapsed. I did not mind, it sounded like they needed it much more than me anyway. We was in room 14 across the hall. The only difference was that this room was painted blue instead of creme.

I sat in the chair closest to the door door like usual, but I was not really there. I felt like I was on autopilot. Thinking about Matt really took a lot from me.

Sam seemed to pick up on my lower than usual mood. It was the first time I had seen him with a my form of a negative expression. He seemed genuinely worried.

"Taylor?" It was the first word either of us had said in the 10 minuted we were here. "What is wrong?" The tone of his voice broke my heart, Sam seemed really worried. I could not just sit here and not tell him. I breathed deep.

"I am sorry. I am thinking about Matt my ex boyfriend. He killed himself on my 17th birthday. That was also the first time that he... that anyone had said they loved me." I wiped my nose with my sleeve.

"He said he loved me then he... he." I broke down crying for the second time that day. Sam rushed over and held me in his arms as I sobbed and cried.

"He said he loved me and then he took the gun and he- he..." I could not finish but he got the message and left It alone.

After a while Sam took my chin between his thumb and forefinger, turning my head to him. I looked up at him with blurry vision and tear stained eyes.

"Taylor it is okay to miss him. But you need to let him go. He is gone and you deserve more that a ghost and fleeting memories." He said that with so much sincerity that I wanted to believe him. I really did, but he did not know what I deserved or what I have done.

He seemed to take my silence as an agreement. Staring into his brown eyes like this made me feel safe. I felt a real connection. Then he leaned In closer. I met him halfway.

It was one of the most amazing kisses I have ever had. His lips were warm and so soft. They felt safe, they felt like home. It was filled with so much emotion and need that I did not want to break it. But all I could think about was how I did not deserve him. How he was soft and gentle and kind and beautiful while I was fat and ugly ugly and rude and horrible.

He was perfect and on a trip to a long and happy life and I was just an impurity that he had ended up stuck with. He was the Earth and I was the moon, he an amazing thing full of life and light and me a cold dead wasteland that did not deserve to know his name.

But I loved him and that was what mattered. Wasn't it?