BLACKGLOOM PEAK
Krampus' Keep
Current Number of Minions: They are legion!
The grim mountains of Blackgloom Peak stretched across the snowy vale like a series of sore black thumbs black as char and burned like the crack of a devil's obsidian ass. The common notion to brand the devil as a big red beast of horns and evil, but when painting the picture of Krampus' domain for the sake of you knuckleheaded human readers, dubbing the devil black in this metaphor was perfectly served.
Like all gods and monsters roaming unseen veils, the devil had many deviations on earth anyway (depending on the universe and planet).
Not to digress any further on useless nuggets of idealogy that didn't quite work into the current event at hand, the ugly little minions of Krampus infested the mountains' surface as well as the inside, for deep in the crevices of Blackgloom, Krampus roamed.
But before that took center stage, a large gang of minions de-stressed along the edges of the main trench leading beneath Blackgloom's chief mountain. It sounded like Krampus worked them to bone.
"Blasted corns!" one bat-nosed minion with horns for days was soaking his feet in a pool of scorching hot water. "Anymore stress on these mean puppies, and I'll be slaving Krampus' pits on my kneecaps!"
"Quit your bitching!" demanded another, who was taking a hot, steamy piss over the trench's edge. "Hard work keeps your little shithole from crashing down on your head if you slack off!"
The complaining minion scowled. "Bah! As if Krampus cares what the fuck I say. He rejoices over the sack of fat in his chamber. He keeps the jolly one stashed in a bag while he gloats and chatters about his evil plan to plunge Christmas into darkness."
Another minion whose face was cloaked in his hood growled in his spot near the other soaking his feet. "If I hear that potato sack grunt in protest one more time when I'm down there—I will bash him upside the head with the bone of a yule cat!"
"Hey—great idea!" A lightbulb popped off on one of them. The minion's yellow eyes brightened up with thought. "When Krampus is away, let's hang Santa up in that bag and beat him like he stole something!"
"Yeah!" the hooded minion agreed. "Molly whop him until he explodes with candy!"
"Bloody guts and candy!" another far-off minion chimed in.
All of them shrieked and cackled in agreement. But soon enough, their dark dreams and cruel aspirations came to a tragic close. The minions' dark joy diminished when the sounds of something yet to be unheard in this realm eased its sick beats into earshot, coming from above.
"You hear that?" the minion in the hood asked, looking overhead.
"I don't know what that is," said another, nodding his hideous little head to the beat. "But that beat's thumpin'!"
"It sounds like... the perfect union of rap and pop music." The minion soaking his feet slipped out of the water hole, noticing something shiny coming in like a lustrous comet. "What in Perchta's cunt is that?"
Well, Ricven McQueen crashing the party, of course!
Jamming to Polo G's "Bad Man," Ricven and three elves soared straight into the gang of minions. Ricven spun off of his sword, catching Aethra Exalt by the handle as the blade was no longer used for a surfboard but a weapon of evil-smiting destruction. He whirled himself into a furious torrent of aethra, spinning his crystal sword like a raging tornado on a raging path of death, slicing the squealing minions into embers until he stopped with a badass sword pose.
Meanwhile, the elven trio had leaped off of Ricven the second he had landed and pounced onto several minions with candy canes fashioned into daggers. Their sweet tips sharpened on their ends, honed for the sole purpose of gutting the minions alive.
More minions rushed in. Ricven and the elves took them all out in a minute and forty-six seconds. The equivalent of the song Ricven blasted into his ears, and oddly everyone else heard.
When Ricven's elaborate aethra spell exploded the last minion into pieces, he and his bloodstained little war-hungry elves stood triumphant—a fleeting moment as that was but a small fraction of Krampus' legion waiting below.
They hurried into the canyon. Ricven had noted the mountain that looked like horns and wagered Krampus waited with Santa in the great trench below. The gorge took them in as they plunged upon each piece of slag containing a rack of wild minions flailing their weapons at them as Jarren Benton's "Life in the Jungle" began to play in Ricven's ear pods. It was the perfect song to ignite Ricven and the elves' morale, for they raided the ravine, like a band of dungeon raiders on a headhunt for the final boss.
They faced a mad mob of fiends, like the straggele, shaggy horned beasts that pride on jacking up naughty children by stealing their most precious keepsakes unless a few get savage and rip a few badass kids to pieces. Or the burning swarm of psychotic gingerbread men the size of toddlers with their rusty hook blades, they came with the violence only to get crushed into crumbs by the elves. The straggele fell by Ricven's blade.
Then Teddy Klaue, the razor-clawed teddy bear, appeared.
The deadly stuffed bear came out swinging like a mad ogre trapped in chains until said chains snapped, and Teddy killed the hapless minions who brought him out in an instant. Ricven realized the big bad bear came out of what he assumed was Krampus' main state of dominion.
The busted gate had to have housed Krampus, where Krampus himself undoubtedly was alerted of Ricven's infiltration the second Ricven and his three-elf crew started fucking shit up.
After a brutal fight, Ricven dropped the roaring Teddy. The giant abomination ended up impaled by a series of aethric crystal shards, tumbling over in a fiery defeat of aethra embers.
The other minions in the backdrop witnessed Teddy and a whole legion of minions lasting not much of a chance. Retreat was not an option. The minions fought until they died.
Well, except for a few who said "Fuck it" and high-tailed it on out of there, allowing Ricven and the elves to storm Krampus' keep.
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FantasyWARNING! This novel is an unconventional work of fiction. Anything you may read in the following episodes is solely created out of sheer satirical coincidence and is NOT to be taken out of ANY context OTHER than it being RIDICULOUSLY entertaining as...
