It's Ok To Be Yourself

17

I felt the world crumble knowing that I had lost a child, what made it even worse was how heartbroken Toby was. He was crying all night in the hospital and wouldn't eat anything. I hated seeing him like this, "Shh.. We still have the other..." I said not knowing what to do.

"I guess... you can name her..." he told me starting to calm down. I hugged him tight and kissed his head.

"How about.. Hope? I know you said summer or Autumn but.. I think Hope suits her..." I asked and explained whilst looking at the boy in my arms. He gave a soft nod and fell asleep.

I smiled to myself and got up, I picked up Hope and kissed her head. I held her close and sat on the arm chair next to the bed. She gave a soft yawn as she woke up and started crying.

I managed to calm her down before she woke up Toby. She did a soft baby noise and fell back to sleep.

I placed her in the cot and lay next to my partner, I closed my eyes playing with his hair and fell asleep holding him close.

I woke up to being held close by Luke, I smiled at him and looked over at Hope. I stayed lying on the bed staring at the ceiling. I felt better than I had when I had found out about the news. I never really understood why people were so sad when a child they had never seen before (even if it were their own) being dead. But now I do. I understand it. The pain is real. Knowing I had two children makes me feel like I did something wrong.

I moved around in Luke's grip unable to get comfy. Luke ended up waking up because of my tossing and turning.

"Settle down pup.. It's ok.. I know it's hard.." He mumbled half asleep. I felt my face heat up at the nickname that he had never called me before.

I smiled slightly and snuggled into his chest. He kissed me on the head, "It's all ok now.." He told me starting to wake up. I hummed in response, a nurse came in and told us that we were free to go after Hope's check-up.

After a few hours we finally made it home. Luke had refused for me to carry anything because he was worried about me being in pain. I looked around and the atmosphere was different. I shivered slightly as I walked into the house further. I felt uneasy. I knew Luke could tell.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"I don't know.. something seems.. strange.." I looked at him and shook my head, "Its probably nothing" I smiled and gave him a quick kiss before I went and changed Hope's diaper and clothes and fed her.

Hope gulped her bottle down pretty fast. I giggled at her reaction then the pain hit me again. It kept coming and going.

"Everything happens for a reason.." My grandma had told me whilst she was on her death bed, I'd never forget how pale and sick she was but yet she didn't fail to make me smile. She gave me her special necklace, it had a wing with a baby on the inside. I never brought myself to wearing it until I lost my other child.

I placed Hope in her cot and let her sleep, I went in front of Luke who was watching Tv and said, "Everything happens for a reason!"

"What?"

"Everything happens for a reason Luke, maybe we weren't meant to have twins maybe we were meant to have one angel baby, this is God's challenge for us!"

"Are you ok love?" Luke asked concerned, "You're talking gibberish"

I sighed as he turned his attention back to the Tv, I left the room and went and sat on our room floor thinking about everything.

I imagined this little girl, she looked like hope but with darker hair, she had just been born. She looked happy, she was smiling, she wasn't crying. I smiled. Until I realised I wasn't imagining it. The baby was our Angel baby. I could see her, clear as glass. I picked her up and looked at her. She smiled and grabed my nose. My eyes filled with tears and with one blink she had gone.

My heart sank to the bottom of my stomach as I hugged my knees and cried. I cried my eyes out not caring if anyone heard, I held my daughter that had died. Yes, she, may have been a ghost, but I held her, she was in my arms then with one blink.. gone. Vanished. Back to heaven. I felt my depression swallowing me into a hole, my anxiety was yelling at me, the voices were blaming me, my stress was strangling me, my words had been swallowed and washed away all I could do was scream.

I screamed.

Screaming filled the house.

I cried.

Crying filled the room.

I was grieving.

Grief.

Pain.

Depression.

Anxiety.

Panic.

Scared.

Worried.

Frightened.

Afraid.

Guilt.

Hate.

It all filled up inside me at the same time.

I ran into the room after hearing Toby scream. I saw him curled up in a ball on the floor his hands in a fist grabbing onto his hair, his mouth open as he screamed in pain. I had never seen him so upset. It scared me to think that this wasn't the first time he's been like this. But I knew deep down this wasn't his first, probably not even his second time being like this.

I ran and sat next to him holding his wrists waiting for him to let go of his hair, "Shhh, hey, hey, hey, It's all ok now pup... no need to scream it's ok..." I told him in a soft shaky voice being on the edge of tears myself.

"I.. I saw her I held her then with a blink she had gone..!" He told me finally letting go of his hair and wrapping his arms around my neck placing his head on my shoulder.