"Stop," I begged him, feeling the tears streaming down my cheeks as my sobs got stuck in my throat. "Stop, please."
"You should be dead, not me. You kill people, you're cold and ruthless. You deserve to die. I think you'll die very soon, your god complex won't help you for long." Niall's voice changed slowly until I could've sworn I was listening to my mother talking while his lips were moving.
And then his face shifted slowly until my mother was sitting right in front of me in this shrinking room, my brother was nowhere to be seen.
But she still had that gunshot wound in the middle of her forehead, just like Niall. Only this one was caused by me.
Her blue eyes were just as empty and scary as my brother's, but the smile on her lips was enough to send chills down my spine.
"Killing me didn't change anything and it didn't make you special. Nothing will ever change how broken you are. You think Harry loves you? That he won't leave?" She said, leaning closer to me as I stayed frozen. "He'll get bored and find another person to fuck... he'll want the thrill you can't give him anymore because you're too pathetic and you can't handle yourself anymore. You're a mess. He'll realize that loving you is worthless once you can't be fixed. You're worthless. You're as dead as me, the fact your heart beats only proves your body is alive, not your soul."
"Shut up!" I shouted, grabbing the edge of the chair and forcing my nails so hard on the wood that I actually felt the pain. "Shut up, shut up, shut up."
I felt like a knife was piercing through my heart, I couldn't listen to this anymore. I had to wake up... but I was truly afraid of being lost inside my mind forever.
"Poor little Cleo can't protect herself and those she loves... you'll be alone. No one wants a mess to deal with, and that's all you are." She kept smiling as her voice echoed around the room. "You couldn't even save your own brother. And you definitely can't save yourself."
I screwed my eyes shut as my ragged breaths consumed me, I felt like I was suffocating but I desperately needed to breathe. My head was spinning and I could smell death around me. I could always smell death.
It was always because of me.
I should've died too.
"Cleodora, wake up! Baby, please, wake up."
The voice sounded distant but yet so close, I wasn't expecting to hear it. I just felt so lost... so empty.
I became the emptiness I was scared of.
My mother was right.
Large hands cupped my face and they felt more real than my dreams, maybe this time I was awake.
I felt pain, though... and I realized I was clenching my fists so tightly that my nails had dug into my palms, cutting my skin deeper than I anticipated.
The smell of blood came from there, even though the rottenness from my dreams was stuck in my nostrils.
The pain inside my chest was much stronger.
"Baby, please, open your eyes."
The voice was so familiar... it was the only thing that helped me feel like I wasn't suffocating.
So I opened my eyes.
Harry was kneeling right next to me on the bed, with wild hair and wide green eyes, the most alert I had ever seen him.
His hands lowered from my cheeks to my arms, and he forced me to unclench my fists as he intertwined our fingers together, the blood and sweat on my palms made it feel sticky and I slowly became aware of what was going on.
I was crying... I was shaking and sobbing and completely in shock.
I felt so small with Harry watching over me like this, but I couldn't move on the bed. I had no idea what time it was or what happened, this was definitely a severe panic attack mixed with a night terror.
But the nightmares felt too real... I could still hear my mother's voice. I could still hear Niall. Niall.
"My brother is dead," I whispered all of a sudden, looking deep into Harry's eyes as I cried. "Niall is gone. It's my fault."
"Cleo, it's not your fault." He said seriously, keeping our hands together as he laid down next to me.
The only light came from the lamp on the side Harry would usually sleep on the bed, I couldn't sleep in the dark anymore. Not because I was afraid, but I got used to it by now... it made me feel safer, just like Harry felt.
He was here.
You think Harry loves you? That he won't leave?
My mother's words echoed inside my head and I knew they were creations of my subconscious. But it didn't matter, I was shattered. I was hanging by a thread and now it broke.
"It's my fault. I left him alone. I should've died instead." I whispered, allowing Harry to pull me closer until my head was buried in his chest, and he kept his arms wrapped around me now.
"Don't say that. You can't die." He whispered back, hugging me even tighter, but I didn't feel like I was suffocating anymore. "I can't lose you. I wouldn't handle it."
"Please, don't leave me." I cried against his chest, grabbing his shirt and ignoring the pain from the recent cuts on my palms. "Please, I'm sorry."
"You don't have to apologize, shhh. I'm never gonna leave you." Harry sounded like he was crying too, and I couldn't hold back anymore.
I just cried. I cried a lot as the flashes from my nightmare kept replaying, as the unwanted memories played on a loop inside my head.
But it didn't smell like death anymore. It was just Harry's scent... the sweet vanilla mixed with something that was uniquely his.
"I love you so much, it's alright." He told me, running his fingers through my hair. "Don't ever say that again. Don't ever think you should die."
His words only made me cry more, and the strangled sobs escaping from my throat were nearly painful.
"Inhale... one, two, three," Harry whispered. "Exhale."
I tried to do what he said but I was crying too much, my heart was beating too fast and I honestly didn't know what to do.
And then Harry started singing... but I had no idea which song it was.
It wasn't one of those I'd shown him and it wasn't any he had shown me as well. The melody was smooth and his voice sounded heavenly as he sang lowly, massaging my scalp and keeping me as close to him as he could.
"Test of my patience
There's things that we'll never know
You sunshine, you temptress
My hand's at risk, I fold
Crisp trepidation I'll try to shake this soon..."
