Limitless // Doyu

Chapter 18: Its okay not to be okay

Doyoung wasn't as open as everyone hoped for. It's one of the reasons he stayed so long in the clinic. He never wanted to talk and even sometimes lost privileges over not participating in group therapy.

It wasn't trust issues, in fact Doyoung had no real problems with that, it's just he didn't want to speak to someone who didn't wanna listen, who was forced to listen because of their job.

Taeil had been his only outlet for a while and after his death, he even turned to Jaehyun and Jungwoo a few times, but it really cost him to talk about his problems, afraid that it'd be too much for the listener. He would build up his feelings until he inevitably passed out, nursed himself back up, and then repeated the cycle.

One day though, when he thought he was alone and he found himself shoving his fingers down his throat, attempting to get whatever he'd eaten down the drain, Jeno found him. He hadn't said anything, just sat beside him and stroked his back while Doyoung finished his task. Then he waited silently until he fixed himself, washed his face, his hands, and then when he met his eyes, Doyoung broke down crying. Jeno held him, and it must've been a hard thing for a 12 year old to deal with but he proceeded to listen to Doyoung rant for the next two and a half hours.

How he missed Taeil, how he felt about his body, food, school, everything. Jeno listened carefully, and by the end, he gave him the best advice his young brain could muster up, and sure, the advice in itself hadn't helped much, but Doyoung found out he didn't care about that, Jeno listened only because he wanted to, and that's all he needed, someone who wanted to listen to him.

To say they got closer after that was an understatement. Jeno would be the only one Doyoung went to and it worked, in a strange way, it helped.

Kim Doyoung 

Doyoung was horribly pissed, mad, frustrated, disappointed, every negative feeling was just brewing up inside him like a bad cup of coffee and yet he didn't know towards who he was feeling them. Was it towards Yuta? Or towards himself? 

He should've seen it coming… no… he had seen it coming. God why was he so stupid? He knew it'd all come crashing down and he still let himself hope. The small part of him that felt petty and bitter towards Yuta wanted to sleep in Johnny's room, hell, he wanted Johnny's smell to seep into his clothes, into his body and then go back into his own room and let Yuta think whatever he wanted of him if that meant he made the older as mad as he felt. The bigger part, just wanted someone to comfort him, to listen to him even if it was just his cries, and so he passed Johnny's room, the second floor bathroom and into the room across from his, Jeno's room. 

The younger wasn't asleep yet, it wasn't that late into the night, and he must've sensed Doyoung coming in because he didn't even look startled when his brother came into the room, clutching his pillow and looking like a kicked puppy. In fact, he didn't even look up from his phone, just patted to the empty spot beside him and let Doyoung rest his head on his shoulder, watching whatever game Jeno was playing on his phone. 

Doyoung had stopped crying in the amount of time that took him to go from his room to Jeno's, but being here, in the comfort of his brother's room, just made him start all over again. 

"Hey, what's wrong? What happened?" 

"I- I don't wanna talk about it" He said sniffling even knowing he'd give in eventually.

"Are you sure?"

"It's just I… I don't even know who's in the wrong this time Jeno… I mean I did-" He stared up at his brother, deciding this time it was better to keep some details out "do things with Johnny but… I… I love Yuta, God I'm so in love with him and I told him and he said he wasn't mad, fuck he kissed me and told me all these pretty things and then he wants to take it all back? He wants to be mad now? Look down on me, slut shame me, it's not like I'm sleeping around..."