Limitless // Doyu

Chapter 17: Sometimes just loving is not enough

Ever since he was little, Yuta has been indecisive, but not in the way most kids are. He had no trouble deciding what ice cream flavor he wanted (it was always the same anyway, rocky road, which he now thinks is a rough metaphor for his life) nor was it difficult to choose from an aisle of toys. The problem was when it came to emotional decisions, and he thinks maybe it's because a kid so young shouldn't have been subjected to that in the first place, but he found himself always making the wrong ones, which in turn, made him hurt a lot of people. 

The worst part is that he wasn't even rushing into them, sometimes it took weeks for him to come up with a conclusion but it always ended up with someone mad at him. Whether it was his mom, his dad, his teachers, even Ten, or better yet… especially Ten, who he was now realizing he treated like shit. 

So it'd be an understatement for him to say this thing with Doyoung confuses him. Should he be selfish and let it happen? See where it takes them even if he's sure he’ll never say i love you back? Or should he disregard his own feelings and just let Doyoung be happy without him, even if it hurts them? 

Nakamoto Yuta

The thing about the kiss with Doyoung last night was that he felt things he's never really felt for anyone, and it's not like it's the first time he's felt like that when it comes to the younger but it is the first time he's let himself bask in it. He loved it, and the word scares him so much it's almost impossible to think about it without shivering. 

He's loved things about Doyoung before, like that one time he made a mock exam to test how much Doyoung's japanese had improved. He’d gotten a perfect score and had been so happy he barely thought it through before jumping into his arms. Back then, it was his smile that he loved.

There was also that time after the party on Doyoung’s birthday, he recalls. The younger straddled him to clean his wounds, and Yuta realized he loved the weight of the boy on his lap. Or, if he goes way back, to the first time Doyoung stayed over, and he'd offered to help Mr. Choi cook, Yuta could pinpoint the exact moment he realized he loved his compassion. 

The difference about this was… he didn't love the kiss on its own, but the fact that it was Doyoung who he was kissing, it was Doyoung who laid besides him, it was Doyoung who provoked sparks to shoot across his body in a way he never imagined possible. This time, it was Doyoung who he loved, and it’s dramatic, yes, because it's also Doyoung who he hurts and because ironically, it's Yuta who isn't allowed to love, who shouldn’t love. 

He realizes he just admitted he loves Doyoung, even if its just to himself, and its stupid, he thinks, because he's not in his room having an epiphany, or in the shower contemplating the meaning of life, no. Instead, he’s sat two desks away from the younger while he bores himself through another science lecture. And it's somewhat fitting, he thinks, because everything between them seems so simple but inside, Yuta wonders if he's ever gonna let go of the tornado-butterfly metaphor. He smiles to himself, perhaps he should've seen it coming… If he loves butterflies, Wasn’t he bound to love Doyoung as well? 

“Are you gonna stop staring at him or do i have to sit through 20 more minutes of pining?” Kun says from beside him, derailing him from his thoughts.

“Am I really being that obvious?” The younger looked at him in shock, like he couldn't believe what Yuta had just asked.

“You're admitting to it?”

“Well I'm not denying it” And he realizes he doesn't really have to, not with Kun at least.

“So it was Doyoung who was with you in the bathroom” He says mostly to himself, and it takes a solid second for him to realize what Kun was referring to.