Regret

Chapter four

Next time we have potions, Slughorn decides that he liked the pairings he made last week, so he requires we remain like that. Great. More Malfoy. Just what I need. He sits in the chair next to me, and I can't help but notice that he doesn't look quite right. He looks more tired and messy than usual. I can already tell he's in a bad mood.

Today, we are making the draught of living death. I don't even ask if he wants to gather ingredients, I do it myself. I don't have the energy for that kind of interaction. We spend most of the class making the potion, barely talking. It takes a lot longer than felix felicis because he is barely present while we're doing it.

"Malfoy, your help would be nice you know."

"Sod off, Lupin."

"Lovely as always, Malfoy," I stop for a second "nevertheless I need your help."

"It's not my fault your useless half breed brain can't handle a potion."

His words hit me like a splash of ice water. Half breed. The scar on my arm starts tingling, as if summoned.

"Fuck you, Malfoy." Is all I can manage without crying. The night at the Manor starts replaying in my head and I can't focus anymore.

I sit back and I let the potion brew on the heat. How can he be so fucking cruel? Finally, I start thinking we could be civil, and he does this. My brain is spinning and it's getting harder to breathe. I can't get the image of Bellatrix out of my head.

"What is it Lupin? Struck a nerve, did I?" he says coldly "Stop being a bitch and continue working on the potion. I can't fail this."

I'm stunned. What the hell is he doing? How can he say that without any regard for his words? I'm not going to let him rattle me. I can't be fucking weak. I take the last ingredient and I put it in, and call professor Slughorn over.

"Lovely! You two are really great at this."

"Yes, professor thank you. Mr. Malfoy was just telling me how much he wants to help you tonight on that project you told me about."

Malfoy shoots me a dangerous look. I was going to make him pay. Slughorn asked me if I wanted to help him on a potion he is working on, and I was going to say yes, but this feels like a perfect revenge.

"Oh, how wonderful! Mr. Malfoy, I must say I am surprised. How noble of you." And he goes back to his desk.

"How dare you, you stupid half breed. There's no chance in hell I am helping him."

"Sounds like a you problem, Malfoy."

"Maybe if you were killed with your mother all of our problems would have been solved." He says without looking at me.

At that, my head starts spinning. He's really crossed it. I can already feel hot tears stinging behind my eyes and I am trying hard not to look at him.

"Yes, maybe they would have been." I reply, "Too bad I wasn't." and I run out of the classroom.

I don't care who sees me. I don't care if I get detention. I need to get out. I need air. I need to be away from him. I need to fucking scream. How could I ever think he could be decent? How can he say something like that? I can't believe this.

By the time I reach the Lake I can barely see through my tears, and I am burning with rage. I am shaking and I can't stop my head from spinning. I settle next to the tree where I love sitting and I let myself cry. I am long overdue. Everything is too much. Everything hurts and I can't handle it. I've been faking strength for so long and I can't do it anymore. Within 10 minutes I stop crying and my anger subsides. I'm not even angry anymore. I'm just shocked. And disappointed. I shouldn't be. I knew who Malfoy is. But I still let myself believe he could be better.