them sans x reader one shots

wild college story

AITA for getting defensive when my friend tells me she likes me and wants to date- again, knowing now I have feelings for her ex.

bear with me, it's gonna be kind of long.
I (20nb) get nervous and defensive when she (22f) tells me she likes me, we've dated multiple times before, and we usually break up days or weeks later. The second time we dated, it was after her birthday and she confessed that she grew feelings for me the week after the party. I was kind of shocked because literally at the party, she had told me, "I have never loved you. and I probably never will." while she was cuddling with her other friend while dating my other friend.
George had texted me, basically asking me if she was worthless and wasn't worth loving, I helped her through it and she felt better knowing she probably hated the idea of a long distance relationship anyways.
I, of course, a dumb teenager in love, agreed to date her. It lasted five months and I was having a blast. Then I started failing my classes, and I asked her if it would be okay if I could spend less time with her to better my studies. she said yes.
so, when I introduced her as my girlfriend to one of my guy friends, she got pissed, telling me it emotionally mentally and spiritually hurt her that I called her that.
I was really confused, but I agreed and told him I was joking. "we're just really close, girl best friends."
They started dating a day later. I was hurt, shocked, and kinda wanted to die a little bit. she was so happy though? she texted me all the time, telling me about how happy she was with him and that maybe she had actually fallen in love...
lol. anyways.
Then one day Jordan and I were hanging out after school and suddenly he comes out of the bathroom crying and just cuddles up to me, I was used to cuddling not crying. when I got a message a minute later from Sharon (not their real names btw) about them breaking up and how she "would never recover from this. how she loved him so much it hurts. " I asked him about it.
he looked shocked for a moment and kinda just said, "he lost feelings and felt like if he let it continue it'd just be really distant and forced." I wasn't proud he broke up with her, but the thoughtfulness of his actions just made me appreciate him, even though he unknowingly, unintentionally stole my girlfriend.
Sharon and I began holding hands in the hallway, me as emotional support, obviously.
Then one day we were walking down the stairs and she goes, "I kinda wish someone would love me..." and my simp self says," I love you bro." kind of jokingly, to not make her feel uncomfortable.
then she lets go of my hand and gives me this look," I don't LOVE you like THAT." I got hurt and kinda slowed down and we walked in silence to her next class.
So when two months later she confesses to me again, I'm over the moon, but I think about it for a moment- would I truly be happy with it? but I had feelings for someone else.
I say yes anyway, I kinda feel like I'm typing a bad love story--
We dated for a few days and then randomly over message she sent me a long message about how much she loved me.
I broke down and had broken up with her a week later when I remembered the awful feelings of disappointment and bafflement anytime I thought about it. makes me feel gross and clammy even to this day.  she had told Jordan, Sammy, and George (not their real names) the same thing. done the same thing. hell, two of them came to my comfort after their break ups.
Why did I feel like it would be any different-?
we still hold hands when we walk, barely if you could call it that, and I can tell I've grown distant and so has she. so when I hear or read her say "I love you" I kinda block it out or change topics.
Sometimes she gets mad and mutters selfish under breath and I know she doesn't know I hear her, and it makes the feeling so much worse.
sometimes she'll hint that she wants to date again and I just act naive and hope that she thinks I'm stupid enough to not know.
...I feel like someone begging for pity when I reread this, making me feel guilty for wanting to see if I could possibly be an ah for even talking to her exes. even though they're my friends.
so, in conclusion, I feel like absolute trash when she tries to tell me her feelings and I kind of just...push(?) them to the side. I told her I had started liking Jordan recently. she agreed to let me date him, "I don't have feelings for that a-hole anymore you can have him." even still she doesn't leave me alone, buggering me with questions about what our adopted children would look like
so, am I?