Sunflower Reviews

Raaina - Warrior's Mates

PROLOGUE : 4/8.3

I commend you on a prologue well done. It's short, as it should be. Intriguing, as it should be. And it alludes to the character's depressive state of mind that was mentioned in the blurb. I don't read that much shape-shifter stories. However, I know this business of an MC losing her pack and family to war or a disease, or thereabouts, is common, but I think I like the angle you're tackling this trope from. A character-driven angle, I'm suspecting, from what we've got here and in the blurb.

GRAMMAR: The main problem here is with your tenses. You can't seem to decide which tense your story should be written in. Or you can, you just mix it all up. I'll tell you that your prologue could be written in present tense and the other parts of your story in past tense, that's okay. You can also have it vice versa. Or you may write the prologue and the whole book in the same tense. I'm guessing you went with the last option. And you've chosen past tense. I'll give you examples of places in this prologue where you switched to present tense.

Original: Was I ok? Will I ever be okay? ... My life is shattered.

Fixed: Was I ok? Would I ever be okay? ... My life was shattered.

Original: No I don't have a life now. There is no life left in me.

Fixed: No, I didn't have a life now. There was no life left in me.

Original: Maybe death was easier than the life I see ahead.

Fixed: Maybe death was easier than the life I saw ahead.

Original: But all 'MY' people have left me with just emptiness.

Fixed: But all my people had left me with just emptiness. (I suggest you italicise 'my' rather than quote it and capitalise it.)

There are awkward sentences, as well, two that caught my eyes.

Original: Better go with them, then turn into rouge wandering in wilderness. (I'm not sure what this statement means, so I have no idea how to fix it.)

Original: I stood up with little bit of strength in me...

I believe you meant: I stood up with THE little bit of strength in me...

Or better still: I stood up with the little strength left in me...

PUNCTUATION: You have an issue with punctuating dialogues. All the direct speech (dialogue) in this chapter isn't punctuated, except the first one, and I guess that's because it's a question not a statement. I'll give examples:

"There is nothing much left here, we are going to our territory... You, too, should come along" He said with sad tone and moved away.

Fixed: "There is nothing much left here. We are going to our territory... You, too, should come along," he said with a sad tone and moved away. (I ended the dialogue with a comma, changed the capital 'H' to lower case, added a word you omitted before 'sad'.)

The last dialogue also has the same problem. Please, see PARTING SHOTS section for more info on how to punctuate dialogues (ah, this makes me feel like a network service provider).

CHAPTER ONE: 2/8.3

Okay, how do I say this without hurting your feelings? Your first chapter reads more like a textbook than an actual novel. See, I really love books that begin with the 'My name is so so...' thingy. For some reasons I can't explain, they make me happy. And when I saw something like that in the middle of your first chapter, I liked it. Then I started not to like it when you dropped all those info about werewolves and Jia's pack and Jia's family on us. You could have found a more subtle way to tell us all that, maybe scatter it throughout the book, we won't mind. But to have that much info at a go, especially info that doesn't seem that unique (as almost every werewolf whatever share similar background with your story) is just a no no.