a Stardew Valley fan fiction: The Proper Care and Feeding of Souls

All of You

"I will not have you without the darkness that hides within you. I will not let you have me without the madness that makes me. If our demons cannot dance, neither can we."

- Nikita Gill

It had been a week since Grace had told Sam what had happened to her. Grace seemed happy, relieved to have shared it with him, but Sam felt angry and on edge. He hurt for her and he didn't know how to process hurt like this. When he looked into her eyes, his heart ached. Adding to the discomfort, today was the day that his family had been nervously counting down to. It was the day his dad was coming home.

Sam stood at the small train platform, holding Vincent's hand who bounced up and down in anticipation. Standing next to him, Jodi looked as nervous as Sam had ever seen her. She fidgeted with her hands, her eyes darting side to side as she anxiously awaited the arrival of the train carrying her husband home from war.

After what felt like an eternity to each of them, the train slowly pulled into the station, grinding to a halt in front of the small, rundown platform reserved for Stardew Valley. Jodi's thin hand reached down and grabbed Sam's warm hand, squeezing it tight, her eyes brimming with tears.

The train sat still for a few unbearable moments before finally, the door opened and a handsome, worn-down soldier appeared, a large tattered duffle bag slung over his shoulder. Sam recognized his dad, but he didn't look the same as he remembered. His blond spiked hair looked familiar, but his face was thin, his features more harsh than Sam remembered, his eyes a steely pale blue. As he stepped off the train, his lips which were tight in a thin line curved slightly upward at the sight of his family.

Jodi gasped at the sight of her husband of 20 years. She ran to him, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck. Sam watched as his dad allowed his duffle bag to slide off his shoulder so he could hold his wife tight in his arms. Sam felt his heart ache at the sight. It made him want to be holding Grace that way 20 years from now.

Kent stared into Jodi's tear-streaked face. She was the love of his life. After all that had gone wrong, she was still right. Kent shifted his gaze just beyond Jodi to take in the sight of his boys. He would not have recognized them if they walked past him on the street. A pang of hurt and guilt rushed through him.

When Kent had left for the war, Sam was 11. The last time he'd been home, Sam was an awkward teenager, maybe 14 or 15. Now, a striking grown man stood before him. Taller than both Jodi and Kent, his son looked strong, mature, unrecognizable. Sam held tightly onto his little brother's hand and as Kent took in the sight of Vincent, his son that he hardly knew, his chest felt as though it was caving in at the injustice of all that he had lost.

Sam stepped forward as his eyes met the steel blue eyes of his dad. Uncomfortably, Kent reached out and pulled his son into a stiff hug. Sam instinctively rubbed his dad's back to comfort him as they hugged.

"Dad!" Vincent could no longer hold in his patience. Kent looked down at the boy who had not even breathed his first breath when his dad left for war. Kent bent down and his son's small arms wrapped tightly around his neck. He delicately pecked his dad's cheek with a slight kiss. "Hi, dad." He whispered shyly.

The weight of it all was too much for Kent to bear. He stood stiffly, picking up the bag that held the few items he deemed worthy of accompanying him home. He felt Jodi's thin, cold hand slip into his, guiding him toward home.

The family of four walked slowly in silence through the town square. Keeping pace a few steps behind his parents, Sam could feel the heaviness his dad had brought home with him. When his dad had been away, it was relatively easy for Sam to forget about his dad. It had become easy to pack away all of the feelings that came with his dad abandoning their family for their country. Now, there he was, right in front of Sam. Anger, resentment, and frustration muddled Sam's thoughts. How could his dad have left his family like he did? How could he have stayed away for eight years? Why had he stopped coming home for visits? Didn't he know what this had done to their family? Didn't he know that he had a little boy who idolized him but barely even knew him? Tears stung Sam's eyes as he drowned himself in his questions and his anger.

******

Grace crossed the bridge to the beach where, in the distance, she saw Sam sitting alone near the shore gazing into the ocean.

"Hey," Grace greeted, lowering herself to join Sam in the sand.

"Hey, Grace.", he said, lifting his eyes to hers. His warm smile did not reach his eyes. A wash of unpleasant feelings flooded Grace as she looked into his sad eyes. Seeing Sam sad made her heart ache. She stared out into the ocean alongside him, leaning her body against his.

"I'm a pretty good listener...." Grace offered, keeping her eyes in the distance.

Uncomfortably, Sam smiled, "Oh no, yeah........I......it's all good." His reassuring smile was less than reassuring.

Grace thoughtfully considered her next words, not wanting to make assumptions and yet not wanting to let this moment pass. "Sam......" she started carefully. "I do not want ........warm, bubbly, you...."

Sam turned to Grace to listen, startled and hurt by her train of thought.

"....if I cannot also have the rest of you." She finished, moving her eyes from the distance to the deep blue eyes of the man she was falling in love with.

Sam's swallowed a lump in his throat. He looked away. "....I'm not sure what you mean..."

Grace kept her eyes on Sam as he struggled to understand. "It is okay.....to not be okay," she said gently.

Looking down at the sand, Sam listened but did not respond.

"You carry a lot of burdens, Sam." Grace delicately ventured. "You're raising an eight-year-old boy. You kept your mom afloat when she was tired and devastated and lonely. Now, you're dealing with your dad being home.....and..." she added quietly. "I've burdened you too....You put yourself aside so you can encourage and support everyone else."

The truth of her words rang through Sam's ears, but he didn't know how to process them. No one had ever considered how he felt and he had never allowed himself to deem his burdens worthy of emotion. Sam turned to look into his truth teller's eyes, deep green, warm, they were not confronting him, they were comforting him. Comfort was something he was used to giving, not receiving.

As their eyes met, Sam nodded, afraid to test his voice in response in case it failed.

Grace, realizing Sam wasn't ready to respond, continued, "I am here....for all of you, Sam. I will be here for your smiles and your laughs and your warmth and your encouragement and your annoying positivity." She winked. "But only if you let me be here for your disappointments and your guilt and your rage and your hurt......the boredom, the questioning, the every day. Because I will not be here for your good if I cannot be here for the rest of it." Grace sought deep into his eyes, "I am not afraid of your feelings, Sam. I want all of you." She finished, quietly placing her hand on his knee.

Sam took a deep breath, nodding his head slightly. He was not ready for words. Taking in her words, taking in what Grace was offering, it was too much, and yet, deep beneath the surface it was what he truly needed and he knew that. He wasn't ready to tell her anything but knowing he could was everything.

Vincent came barreling down to the beach, tackling Sam in the sand.

"SAM....SAAAAAAAMMMMMMM!!!!!" He called excitedly. "Mom asked me to come get you." He giggled as Sam pulled him over his shoulder into his lap tickling him relentlessly. Vincent's belly laughs lifted the mood and Grace smiled at their encounter.

"Alright, buddy." Sam smiled. "Race ya." He said, feigning a head start just enough to get Vincent up and running. Turning to Grace, he smiled lifting his hand to gently graze the side of her face, "Grace," he said simply. He looked into her eyes with a more thousand words he wanted to voice but he just couldn't.

Sam stood and took off at a slow jog toward his home, ensuring Vincent would win their race. As he reached the edge of the bridge that led back to town, he paused and looked back. No one had ever cared enough about him to see past his warm smile, but she did.

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