Goodbye's Second Chance

But Watching Stars Without You, My Soul Cried

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This chapter deals with the after-effects of a major trauma. 

It's possible this could be triggering, please proceed with caution if you are sensitive to this.

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As I stood there, surrounded by his arms, the adrenaline finally wore off and everything really began to hit me. My knees began to wobble and I sagged against him. He grabbed me tighter and slowly sunk to the floor with me, never letting go of me. My whole body shook with the sobs that came involuntarily and I gripped his shirt like I was trying to hold on for dear life. All the fear and anger of the previous 48 hours spilled out in those tears.

I thought of my nephew not understanding why I never came back to see him again. I thought of my mom missing me, my teammates thinking I'd just up and left them. I thought of Iwa thinking I'd just left him behind. I thought of how his heart would break and how he'd blame himself, thinking there was something he did wrong. It wasn't even the future hell that my life would have become, but the fact that I broke Haji's heart that scared me, and hurt me, the most.

He held just held me there, letting me cry for what seemed like hours. When the tears finally turned to sniffles and stuttered after breaths, I loosened my grip on him a little. He leaned down and kissed me lightly on the forehead before scooping me up and sitting me on the edge of the bed. He began to pull away, but I reflexively grabbed on to him. "No! Please! Don't go." I pleaded. I had no control over myself, and all I knew was that I couldn't let him go. I couldn't bear the thought to be without him again.

The way my heart ached as I stared at the horizon when we drove to that warehouse and I thought about how I could look up at the sky, knowing he was out there somewhere but I'd never get to hold him or kiss him again played through my mind and I couldn't bring myself to let him go. "T, I'm just going to grab a washcloth for your face and a glass of water from the bathroom right over there. I'm not leaving, ok?" he reassured me softly. His tone was kind, not condescending or annoyed, and that was the only reason I eventually let go of him. He made me believe that he'd be right back. Somewhere in my head I rationally knew he would be, but my emotions were running the ship right now, not my logic.

I watched him walk over to the bathroom and disappear through the doorway. I heard the water turn on and all of a sudden, I was back in the hotel room in Amsterdam. I jumped up from the bed, wanting to run for the door, but I remembered that if I did anything, they'd hurt Iwa. I froze in place. I could feel my whole body start to shake, my heart pounded so loud in my ears as I tried to breathe but it was like all the air in the room was being sucked out and all I could hear was the water running and my heart pounding and Fushimi's voice yelling in the bathroom and-

"TOORU!!" Iwa's voice sliced through the memory like a knife, making me jump as my eyes focused on him in front of me, gripping my arms tight. "Tooru, hey, HEY, I'm right here. I didn't leave, look-I just got some water." He leaned over and grabbed the glass he'd set on the bedside table, wrapping my hands around it. "It's ok, I'm here, you're ok. Take a drink." He said pulling my hands with the glass up to my lips. I didn't take my eyes off him as I gulped down the cold water.

Once I was done, he took the glass and set it back on the table, picking up the washcloth instead. He wiped at my eyes and then my cheeks and forehead. The cool cloth felt so good against my skin. I began to calm down. "There we go," Iwa said, putting the cloth down next to the water, never letting go of my one hand. "What happened?" he asked as he sat me back on the bed, taking a seat next to me. I wanted to tell him, but it just wouldn't come out.