Lightning Only Strikes Once - Clexa

Chapter 106: The Way We Choose

"So," Raven starts to summarise, "We set a timer, blow the passage, wait outside for a few days to see if anyone shows up to investigate or manages to dig their way out, and take them out if they do. After all, we'll have a gas grenade, two actual grenades, and lots of pointy things remaining. What can't we kill?"

"I suspect we will soon know the answer to that, Raven kom Skaikru," Lexa says soberly.

She cannot help comparing this to their plan for the Mountain. That plan involved multiple different groups with different tasks, the best Skaikru and Trikru weaponry, advanced knowledge of their enemy's set-up, resources and reactions, and people planted inside to surprise the enemy and add to their advantage. This plan – well, this plan is a ragtag group of five walking wounded, a plan that is barely a sketch, inside knowledge that is restricted to what the place looked like weeks ago and how many people it had then, and there is always the possibility Nia has added extra defences or even moved to a totally different place in reaction to Clarke and Gustus' escape.

The one advantage they have is that Nia will never expect them to do this, because it is a thoroughly reckless plan. Not to mention that out of their group, she does not understand Clarke at all, she believes Lexa is dead, she has probably never even heard of Raven and her skill at making bombs, she would consider brave, skilled Linkon to be beneath her interest, and Nia did not know of Assan's existence and could not understand why he would help them. Every facet of their plan is unexpected, and they are prepared to die in its execution, that will have to be enough.

"Lexa," it's Clarke, she's dropped back, leaving Raven to lean on Linkon. "Here, ai niron, eat something. You need to keep your strength up."

She's holding out some dried meat. Lexa takes it and tears into the meat gratefully. She had almost forgotten that food existed, that it was required to continue. This close to the revenge that she has craved for half a decade and her mind is becoming like an arrow, aimed at one thing and one thing only. An arrow like the ones Costia sent unerringly into creatures' and enemies' eyes and throats, killing them instantly.

Nia will die.

A pang of guilt shoots through her, realising how single-minded she has been for the past hours. She did not even remember to check if Clarke was well after the battle. "How are you dealing, Clarke?" she asks softly. "Are you... are you alright?"

Clarke reaches out and touches her face lightly with a gloved hand, stopping for a moment. "I'm here with you, Lexa," she replies, just as softly. "Can't get much better than that."

"I know the battle before -"

"I'm fine," Clarke assures her. "It was... unpleasant, definitely. But when it gets warmer and our people come north, a lot less of them will die now. I'm trying to think of it in terms of people saved as well as people killed. After all, someone told me I couldn't blame myself for the deaths I cause without crediting myself for the lives I save."

Lexa smiles at her. As tired as she is, Clarke can always make her smile. "That sounds wise indeed. Whoever suggested such a thing to you?"

"I don't remember," Clarke says mischievously. "She mustn't have been that important. I do know she was a terrible shot with a bow, though."

"I hit everyone I aimed for," Lexa protests, wounded.

"Yeah, but I've seen you throw knives," Clarke says. "You hit what you aim for, no matter how small the target is, no matter how far away it is. But with the bow you were shooting people only a few feet away and there were still a few bad shots. Comparatively..."

"I should give you the bow," Lexa grumbles. "We can see how you do, 'comparatively'."

"You shouldn't give anyone else the bow," Clarke says, voice going quiet and expression growing serious. "And you know it."

"No," Lexa agrees, a little choked. "No, I should not." She reaches over her shoulder to touch the bow on her back, then lets her hand drop. "I have one arrow left. Perhaps Nia will be outside her castle and I can use it on her. That would be – fitting. Very fitting."

"It would be," Clarke agrees.

"It is a shame life is rarely that neat," Lexa says.

"It's fine with me that life is messy and complicated," Clarke replies. "We were messy and complicated at first, after all. In a neater world I would probably never have met you. Meeting you makes all of this worth it." She hesitates. "You know, when you talked about taking the Flame back... I mean... did you ever think..."

"What?"

"Everyone thinks you're dead," Clarke says bluntly. "Did you ever think about getting my Mom to try and remove the Flame? Then when you found me, we could have – I don't know. Gone off somewhere together. Be just regular people in one of the other clans. Go hunting, make a little home, be happy. We could have done it. We could still do it, maybe."

"No," Lexa replies after a pause, voice sure. "No, we could not."

"Right," Clarke sighs. "The whole being-chased thing. But apart from that -"

"We still could not have done it," Lexa says honestly. Every part of her rings with the truth of what she is saying. "Hunt animals instead of armies? Make huts instead of treaties? Some people are destined to lead, Clarke. Not just because of what they owe to their people, not just because they are good at it, but because it is what they need to do. I have been Heda for so long that I do not know where it ends and I begin. It is not just what I do, it is who I am, and I would not change that if I could. I do not believe you would, either. You could not live as anything other than what you are, ai niron, and you will never be able to stop yourself from taking charge and trying to lead our people somewhere better. It is part of what I love about you."

There is a long, long pause, and then Clarke takes Lexa's hand as they walk.

"I really wish you weren't always right," Clarke eventually says, very quietly, no real amusement in her voice although she tries to sound jovial. "It means you're probably gonna be the kind of spouse who says 'I told you so' all the time and I'm going to be the one going 'I know, I know'."

Lexa clears her throat, forcing back tears. "And I really wish we could have had the chance to find out what kind of spouses we would be. I do not dream of being hunters in a hut somewhere, but I have lived through so much war with you, Clarke kom Kongeda, that I do dream of living in peace."

"Hey, you never know, we could get out of this," Clarke says. "And even if we don't get to live in peace together this time, maybe we'll get to in our next lives."

"Sha. Maybe then."

They're in the shade of the mountain, now. Lexa wonders what it is about mountains – mountains and towers and space stations. It is like high places are somehow inherently more dangerous to her. She is of the Tree People, not the Boat People or Desert Clan or Plains Riders. High places should be her home.

"I love you, you know that," Clarke says, staring at the icy mountain for a moment and then looking at Lexa, pain in her gaze. "So much. More than you could ever imagine. More than I've ever loved anyone before. You are my home, Lexa kom Trikru, and my heart, and my love, and my lover, and my everything. This – this extra time with you, even though it's not enough, even though it'll never be enough, it was the greatest gift I can imagine getting. Maybe after this we can go find some more lightning, maybe that will give us more time. Another chance to get it right."

"We have done as well as we could," Lexa says, squeezing Clarke's hand convulsively. "I do not think we will get another chance, ai hodnes. But I owe you more than I can say, and love you even more than that. Our friends – well, Raven will not get to see Anya again, and Linkon will not see Octavia. But I was allowed to see you, and say all the things I wished to say, and it still does not feel like enough but I know it is more than I ever deserved. You are more than I ever deserved. Ai hod yu in, Clarke kom Skaikru, ai hodnes, ai kwelnes, ai niron. I will search for you in my next life."

And so they go to attack another mountain.