Lightning Only Strikes Once - Clexa

Chapter 66: Separation Anxiety

"I wish you weren't going to Polis," Clarke whispers to Lexa, as if it is a secret.

They're lying against each other, Lexa's front pressed snugly against Clarke's back, both awake and dreading the morning. "You know I must, ai niron," Lexa says softly into Clarke's ear, though she runs through it again in her head to see if she can find a good reason to go with Clarke to Arkadia. She can't. She's required in Polis, to speak with the ambassadors, to discuss how to deal with Nia, to tell them of Clarke's new position, to bring the news of the Mountain. She can't put that off for Skaikru – everything she has done recently has been about Skaikru, in one way or the others. She owes the other clans her attention.

And – she loves Clarke, of course she does. She needs her. But she does not depend on her so much that they must always be beside each other. They can be strong apart as well. It makes her heart ache to think of sleeping in her large, empty bed in Polis without Clarke, and she does not wish to put off being honest to the world about what they are to each other, but – they will survive. They may not thrive, but they will manage. Lexa has people she cares about in Polis who she must check on, the same as how Clarke must make take care of her mother, Wells, Kane, even Raven, all of Skaikru. The Natblida will be missing Lexa, as she misses them, misses their eager young voices and optimism and fierce determination. To them she is a combination of hero and nomon, and they require her teaching, especially with Titus and Gustus absent. She has neglected them shamefully.

Perhaps she should teach them chess. She thinks they would like chess. And if Wells joined them, they could play against him.

"Anya's going with you, right?" Clarke says quietly. "Or did Indra eventually lose that argument?"

"We decided that Indra should remain in TonDC for the moment," Lexa says, amused at the thought of Indra losing an argument to anyone, even Anya. "Anya will come to take on some of Titus's and Gustus's duties in Polis. Her unit will replace Tristan's rangers as protectors of Polis for a time. They could use some stability, however brief, before we must deal with the Azgeda."

"Will we be dealing with them that soon, though?" Clarke asks curiously. "With winter so close..."

"That is true," Lexa admits. "Only a fool attacks the Azgeda in force during winter, and I do not know where Nia may have retreated to now, so I would not be able to direct them. But a small group, with Azgeda such as Zion to guide them, might be able to do something, might be able to locate her without being noticed and causing her to flee. We will have to see. Before anything else, the border will have to be closed to Azgeda, and Polis would have to be protected. I believe Nia's only chance of lasting through this would be to attack Polis."

"Attacking Polis is suicide," Clarke scoffs.

"Sha," Lexa says. She presses a light kiss to Clarke's shoulder. "But it may be her only option. None of the other clans will aid her, after she allied with the Maunon. Even her own people might turn against her unless she makes enough of a show of strength that they believe they have a chance." She swallows hard. "I fear that one of those shows of strength may be Gustus's head. If they do not know that she simply captured him because he was visiting already, torturing and killing the Commander's trusted bodyguard would show her power." And she sent Gustus there. She may have caused his death again.

"They must know he was visiting," Clarke says strongly, as if by sounding certain she can make it so. "We travelled most of the southern half of Azgeda territory, we mentioned it a lot of times, and the messenger we sent must have stopped a lot of places on the way to her main palace." She pauses, frowning. "You're not worried about Titus?"

Lexa shakes her head. "He is the Fleimkepa," Lexa says. "If she did manage to kill me and get the Commander spirit, Titus would be needed to give Ontari the Flame. He is much more useful alive than dead – though I do not discount the possibility of torture."