Lightning Only Strikes Once - Clexa

Chapter 15: Like One Of Your French Girls

"Thank you," Clarke says from the doorway of the room.

Lexa opens her eyes. Clarke can see she was meditating, perhaps trying to relax after their argument before.

Clarke found it difficult to relax after that too. She takes several steps into Lexa's room and repeats, "Thank you." She holds up the sketch pad and pencils that only Lexa could have left in her room. "Thank you for remembering."

She meets Lexa's eyes and sees the other woman register the double meaning. "You're welcome, Clarke." Lexa clears her throat. "Is that why you have come, to say thank you?"

"No," Clarke admits. Some art supplies are not why she's here. That was just a reminder to her that Lexa is a good person, a great one, in fact. That she's not trying to hurt Clarke, she's not even trying to hurt Murphy. Like Clarke, she is just trying to do what's best for both of their people. But unlike Clarke, she's good at seeing them as a shared people, good at seeing exactly what needs to be done. "I came to say you're right. I do expect more of your people than I do of my own. But you need to understand, that's not because I think less of your people. It's the opposite. It's because I think more of you."

"Mochof, Clarke," Lexa says, but she still looks unhappy. Perhaps she too had been expecting more of an argument, a screaming match, even – some real outlet for the tension they keep producing between them. It fizzes between them even now, Clarke can feel it. It's hard to be around someone you feel so much for and hold yourself back, and she wonders if that's why she overreacted earlier. If it wasn't about her people, about Murphy, but instead about the fact that Lexa was right there and she still couldn't touch her.

"I should be the one saying thank you, after all you've done," Clarke continues softly. "And I'm sorry. I should be saying that too. I'm really sorry. We do need to use the same punishments for my people and yours, otherwise things will go south quickly, I get that. It was a gut reaction and I was being a hypocrite. I hope someday we can make the punishments we use for our people less severe. Maybe peacetime – making a strong, lasting peace – will let us do that eventually. But right now, Murphy spending a couple of days in a pit isn't the end of the world." She smiles at Lexa. "If nothing else, at least it'll be quieter."

Now Lexa manages a slight smile, which warms Clarke's heart. Lexa smiles so infrequently that each one she gets to see feels like a gift. "I too am sorry, Clarke. I should have consulted you before I gave the order. I simply did not wish to do that in front of Titus."

"I understand that," Clarke says. Lexa is still smiling, leaning forward, the many candles burning in the room warming the air and giving a glow to her face. "That was... totally understandable." Great, now she sounds like a moron. But how can she think straight when Lexa is smiling at her like that?

"I've instructed the woodworker to not demand further labour from Murphy when he is let out of his cell, but to provide food for him anyway," Lexa says. "We can make further plans once we return from TonDC, if it seems necessary. I do not wish your people to refuse to contribute and be viewed as a burden on mine, but I also do not wish to strain things between our people by forcing Murphy to do work he will only resent and avoid."

"For the moment, that should work," Clarke says. She tries to think of something to do with Murphy. Maybe after the trip to TonDC she can make him her assistant instead of Octavia, getting a gona (maybe even Indra) to take Octavia on as a Seken – that will also get the increasingly suspicious Octavia out of her immediate vicinity. However, the idea of spending all day every day with Murphy makes her cringe, and she's sure he'll be much less useful than Octavia has been.

Lexa raises her eyebrows as Clarke remains in the room. "Was that all?" There's still constraint in her voice, despite the smile. Clarke feels like she's created distance between them by overreacting about Murphy. That wasn't what she wanted at all. Sometimes she has a blind spot for her people. Often, even. Maybe, in time, she'll be like Lexa – able to move beyond that way of thinking, able to see things more clearly. Right now, her gut response is always that they're her people, her responsibility, her job. That she should be shielding them. But that's almost patronising, isn't it? Her people need to face consequences. Trying to make it so they didn't last time only ended with Lexa bleeding out in front of her, a casualty of compassion. Something Lexa has never blamed her for, and knowing her, never will.