Lightning Only Strikes Once - Clexa

Chapter 74: Better Off Dead

Lexa's only moment of happiness after Clarke's abduction is when the new rules for the Conclave are announced. Seeing the expressions of joy her Natblida wear is the closest she comes to feeling anything but the dull, pounding sadness in her heart. Otherwise, she spends her time alone, brooding, thinking up plan after plan and discarding them as selfish or wrong or foolish. She doesn't even smile when Marcus Kane is branded and the Skaikru become the thirteenth clan, when Wells is appointed as ambassador. It is wrong without Clarke there, can't they see that?

Anya worries about her, and so gives her space, avoiding entering her rooms and not seeking her advice on any decisions. Indra has remained for the time being, and has quietly taken over a lot of Lexa's other duties, including handling the ambassadors – she also brought a few gona with her that could be spared from the borders, including Octavia and Linkon, and has set them to help Anya's people guard Polis, which they all worry will be Nia's next target.

Strangely, this means the person Lexa sees most often is Abby, who followed Marcus Kane to Polis and stayed when he went back to Arkadia. She brings Lexa food regularly, takes her temperature, and worries about her constantly – it's as if she's trying to take care of Lexa because she can't take care of Clarke.

Today, however, someone besides Abby enters her rooms.

"Enough," Raven says angrily. Wells stands beside her, for once not accompanied by his new assistant, a Skaikru hunter named Harper who volunteered for the position. "What you're doing, this angst thing, enough."

Lexa blinks at her, meditation interrupted. Of course, it was not a very effective meditation, since she was staring at Clarke's blue sash in her hands. Kane gave it to her before she left Arkadia – when they took Clarke, they must have stripped it off her first. Leaving Lexa with a sash, a braid, her memories, and nothing else. "Raven?"

"I get that this is bringing up some kind of major trauma for you," Raven says. "I don't know what that trauma is, Anya won't tell me, but any idiot can see something more is going on here. You remained perfectly calm when we sent Clarke into Mount Weather, even though you knew she was in serious danger and would probably die."

That's true, Lexa admits. She coped better than this when Costia died, as well. But there's something about knowing what's happening to Clarke, what will happen to Clarke – her old nightmares from when she first received Costia's head are ganging up on her, denying her sleep. She does nothing but make plans after plans, everything from attacking the Azgeda in winter time (suicide) to sending a squad of assassins (pointless, without a location) to trading Nia a pardon in return for Clarke's life (her own people would rise up against her). This happening has left her weak and shaky, young and bereaved all over again. She could survive Clarke's death, perhaps, if she had to – she cannot survive her torture and mutilation at Nia's hands.

"You're not the only one worried about Clarke," Wells says in a low voice. "And you're not the only one who has ideas. Maybe we can help."

Lexa clears her throat. "Yes. I see. You're right," she stands. "Fetch Anya, Indra and Abby. We will discuss this." She doubts any of them have come up with something she has not already thought of, but perhaps it is arrogant to think that way. She doesn't tell Raven to fetch Octavia or Linkon, who are probably both on guard outside Polis with the rest of the gona Indra brought with her. It would take a while to bring them here, and they can probably do more good at their posts than they can here, since while they are useful in the execution of plans they are not as essential in the creation of them.

Anya and Indra both eye her with considerable concern as they enter. They have known her long enough to be aware of why this is hitting her harder than it should. Anya in particular was there for every part of Lexa's mourning, and loved Costia as well. It's hard for her to see history repeat itself. Abby looks at her with even more worry, trying to distract herself from her own grief with Lexa's.