Sunflower Reviews

Raaina - God Trials: Demeter

ƊIALOGUES: I don't see a flaw in this section. You have dialogues that flow smoothly, inform, and don't bore the readers.

Ø CHAPTER TWO (4.3/8.3)

Solstice want so badly to rub her achievement (if her become a god) in her mother's face, and we aren't told anything about that in the blurb? Her mother is basically the reason she's contesting (this is the kind of info that should have made its way into the blurb. It would have compelled the reader to ask questions and in the quest for answers, most definitely push them to click on your book).

Now, to the chapter. It isn't as smooth as the one before. The dialogues left me confused. The writing style is also kinda subpar compared to the first chapter. Nothing much happens save for Solstice meeting the red-headed girl and the forward boy, which is enough if we add the crucial glimpse into Solstice view of her mother (with this, you did well in establishing, or at least, introducing Solstice motive for joining the competition). Well done. We're also able to note that Solstice doesn't like to be around people much, judging by her interaction with the red-headed girl, her relief at finding her room empty, and her dismay when the forward boy barges in.

And did Solstice pull off the door knob with her bare hands or did I misread?

Also, when I first read this chapter, I thought the reference to Athena probably meant she (Athena) was addressing Solstice and Solstice couldn't keep up because of the girl clutching her wrists. I reread now and have found out Solstice referred to Eden as Athena because of some semblance or something. If I have to read your chapters more than once to get the gists, then there's a problem. Again, maybe readers familiar with Greek mythology may understand the reference to Athena, but I don't, and a lot of other readers may not, too. I actually do not know what you can do fix that, except whenever you decide to edit, keep in mind that not all of your readers will know these seemingly popular names.

GRAMMAR: Here, there are a few awkward sentences, which surprises me kind of since your first chapter is almost totally free of them. I'll give examples below.

Original: Myeyestraileddown (her figure to her fingers) that were still tightly wrapped around my lower arm. (Note: the bracketed words contribute the most to the awkwardness of the sentence. Particularly, the two 'hers'.)

Fixed: Myeyestrailedherfigureto thefingers still tightly wrappedaround my lower arm. (I'm not even entirely sure TRAILED is the best fit for this sentence, but it's what it is...)

Original: I was (about) to follow Zeus who was (about) to lead us to our living quarters when I was slammed into by the little girl.

Fixed: I was about to follow Zeus who was leading us to our living quarters when the little girl slammed into me. (Tighter, less awkward, less words.)

Original: The girl's hands immediately let go of me as if my skin was suddenly burning hot.

Fixed: The girl immediately let go of me as if my skin was suddenly burning hot.

Fixed (2): The girl dropped my arm as if it had suddenly become hot.

Original: I jumped in the first open door I saw...

Fixed: I jumped into the first open room I saw...

Original: A knock on the door broke me out of my train of thought and I stood up to open the door. Just my luck the door didn't have a peephole I could look through before weighing my options, giving me the ultimatum of just opening it. (Too many 'door' in one paragraph. The 'ultimatum' thingy too is kinda weird.)