Hate & Love

Understanding

Shay POV-

I just got off work, Avery was dropping me off.

"Girl u gone tell what is with you and that stud or what? Girl came in and ruined your mood."  Avery asked me as we pulled up to my complex.

I've been quiet ever since Dee stopped by my job. I honestly didn't want to talk to her. Kissing her definitely complicated things and I don't need anymore complications right now.

I miss her though.

Dee has really been there for me lately, she's been my shoulder to lean on because I don't have anyone else. She's honestly keeping me sane.

Which is why I hate myself for kissing her and making things complicated. I don't even know why I did it. She just knows what to say and she's so sincere...when she wants to be.  I couldn't help myself.

"Nothing really we were messing around and then we wasn't", I answered.

"She-", Avery was interrupted by the sound of my phone ringing.

It was Mercedes.

"Yea", I said as I answered the phone.

"You off right?"

"Yes"

"Im pulling up now", then the phone hung up.

Okay here we go.

"I'll talk to you later Avery, thanks for the ride.", I said to Avery before exiting her car.

Walking to the entrance of my complex, I see a car pull up from the corner of my eye. I turn to see Mercedes coming out of the car.

My heart rate is currently 200 bpm, nervous isn't even enough to describe how I'm feeling.

I wasn't sure how this was going to go. I didn't even know what she wanted to talk about. My thoughts are racing trying to figure out what to do and say. The closer she got to me, the more nervous I was.

"You ok?", she asked me when she finally reached me.

"Ye-yea", i said.

I turned on my heels then continued walking towards the entrance, Dee followed quietly.

The tension was thick. I know Dee feels it.

We were quiet the whole elevator ride up to my floor. When we finally got into my apartment, Dee quickly made herself comfortable. It was silent for a few minutes before Dee spoke up.

"I'm sorry Shay...i know what happened shouldn't have happened and you're big on respect so I apologize.", Dee says.

She's apologizing for something she didn't even initiate.

"No I'm sorry. I kissed you. I know you have a girlfriend and I honestly don't know why I did it."

"Yeah, but I kissed you back and no telling what would have happened if Jah didn't call.", she said to me.

There was a look in her eyes, it was one I knew too well.

"Stop Dee, I'm going to take a shower.", I told her.

Walking into my room to undress, then walking out in my towel and into the bathroom.

........

Mercedes PoV-

I hate myself.

I'm a shitty person. Exactly why I didn't do relationships. But I wanted Moni. I want Moni.

I want Shay too.

I don't understand it. I went years without catching feelings for Shay. Why now. Is it even feelings?

Maybe I just want to fuck again.

Who the fuck knows?

I don't want to hurt Moni, She was all I could think about at some point. She is one in a million. Her presence brightens my day even when she's being bitchy. I don't know though, ever since we got in this relationship something changed. Maybe it's because I'm never really around anymore. Being in the streets constantly, trying to make money has been taking more time out my day than anything else.

Moni said she had something planned for us for Christmas. That time is going to be our time. Im going to try my best to get back on track.

But for now I got to figure how are we going to handle this Chief situation. This man is the reason I have so much hate in me. So much fucking hate that I don't have enough room for love.

He took my mom from me. My bestfriend. Someone I thought was going to be here to see me walk across the stage. He took her.

He gone get his. I promise.

"Dee", Shay calls for me.

She was in the kitchen now, I didn't even hear her come out the bathroom.

"Yeah"

"You ain't hear me talking to you?", she said. Her voice laced with attitude.

"Nah my fault, I got a lot on my mind.", I said.

"What's goin on?", she asked.

There was a long pause before I said anything.

"Chief killed my mom."

Shay stopped what she was doing and gave me a look of confusion.

"How do you know?"

"Jah told me that night. That's what was so urgent", I said.

"He said he heard Chief talking to somebody telling them how they can't let em find out T Murda didn't kill my mom."

"Omg, what the fuck", she said.

"Yeah, seems like everyday it's a new problem with this nigga. Imma kill him Shay. I gotta look this motherfucker in his eyes every day and he killed my fuckin momma. God knows it's taking all my strength to not kill this nigga right where he feel safe at.", tears rolled down my face . I couldn't control it. I wasn't sad, I was angry. This man was the reason I was so fucked up. I want him dead.

I felt arms wrap around my head and a warm body against my face. For the first time in a long time, I broke down in Shay's arms.

"I know it hurts Dee and he's gonna get his karma but you gotta be smart about it all. Killing him can be the dumbest thing you do or the smartest. And it's going to take time. I want him dead too, but we have to make it where we're not dead after we pull the trigger."

I hear her, and I understand her. But I didn't want to listen. A part of me still wanted to make the rash decision and kill him no matter the consequences.