new directions | glee

8. SECRET LOVE SONG ☑️

"Nervous?"

A bubble of laughter escapes her anxiously. "I'm always nervous to sing with her."

"Afraid she's better than you?" Sam teases her.

Kayla rolls her eyes. "I wish I still felt that way. Now I'm afraid I'll kiss her."

"You know, it's okay to want that. To want her. When you guys sing together, it's unstoppable. Can't contain it."

Kayla's expression is amused. "You're giving me permission to cheat on you?"

Sam shrugs. "I sort of asked Mercedes out next week."

Kayla's eyes widen happily and she pulls him into a hug, incognizant of the fact that Rachel is watching them across the stage with sad eyes. "I'm so happy for you!"

Sam blushes a bit. "We'll talk about it tonight, okay? You have a piano to play."

Kayla nods, taking a deep breath before she walks out and sits at the piano. Rachel is standing on the other side of it with her microphone in hand as she addresses the crowd.

"We're gonna slow it down a bit, so grab a partner." she says, and then Kayla begins playing the opening notes.

< secret love song, pt. ii, little mix >

Kayla begins the first verse, closing her eyes as she sings. "We keep behind closed doors. Every time I see you I die a little more. Stolen moments that we steal as the curtain falls. It'll never be enough."

She looks up at Rachel as she begins and she sees still moments in her head.

"As you drive me to my house, I can't stop these silent tears from rolling down. We both have to hide on the outside, where I can't be yours and you can't be mine."

She thinks of nights bundled up in their New York loft watching Funny Girl for the tenth time that week. She pictures wrapping her arm around Rachel and watching the other woman snuggle into her side. In that place, they could just be as they were. They didn't need to tell anyone that they were in love. The fact was that the whole world knew anyway. There were nights that Kurt wasn't home and they'd lounge around naked and explore each other's bodies like they'd never seen them before. Everything was secret and sacred. They made an oath in that apartment that became a broken promise.

They switch off on the lines of the pre-chorus. Rachel starts, "But I know this," And Kayla finishes, "We've got a love that is homeless."

Rachel belts out the chorus. "Why can't I hold you in the street? Why can't I kiss you on the dance floor? I wish that it could be like that. Why can't it be like that? Cause I'm yours. Why can't I say that I'm in love? I want to shout it from the rooftops. Why can't it like that? Wish it could be like that. Cause I'm yours."

The chorus is reminiscent of who they were when Finn was still in the picture. It was secretive glances in the choir room when she was the other woman and everything was blowing up right in their faces. It was locking Rachel's bedroom door when her dads were home so they could make out and it was nights of sobbing over facetime because they knew the timing wasn't right—because Kayla knew that at least then Rachel loved Finn more. And sometimes she still thinks Rachel does love him more, that she always will. But she also knows that Finn would want Rachel happy and what makes Rachel happy is when she's with Kayla.

So when the bridge comes along, she grabs her microphone and slides off the bench, letting Brad slide in behind her as she stands directly in front of Rachel and serenades her.

"I don't wanna live love this way. I don't want to hide us away. I wonder if it ever will change. I'm living for that day. Someday... when you hold me in the street and you kiss me on the dance floor. I wish that we could be like that. Why can't we be like that?"

Rachel and Kayla are face-to-face, not even addressing the audience, nearly resting against the other's forehead. They're panting for breath and not because of the song. Because of all these emotions hitting them all at once and in that moment Rachel knows.

It's always been Kayla.
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[A/N: this chapter is so short, but in my defense this episode is more nd centric and I had more planned, but it just didn't work, so here we are. last night was the worst night of my life in a while, but my mom actually watched the rest of s6 with me to cheer me up, and I think that helped. I'm so excited for the ending of this fic, but also so so scared to say goodbye. we just hit 140K which is amazing! but it would be amazing to finish this book with 200! next chapter might take a little time because I have to change one of my song choices. as always I love you all 😭💗💗💗]

*edited 1/18/23

~ Emilee