Butterfly [A Harry Styles Fanfiction] *COMPLETED WITH SEQUEl* {Book 1}

Chapter 37: Hopelessness

I'd left like she asked, although I struggled to do so. The guilt ate away at me all that night and I didn't sleep for even a minute. I hadn't spoken to her since then, creating any emptiness within me that I hadn't felt since before I met her. I couldn't take not being able to talk to her any longer. I needed to know how she was- needed to hear her voice. I pulled my phone out of my pocket and hesitantly hovered over her number for multiple minutes.

Would she even answer?

If she didn't, I knew I would panic. Would that mean she was done with me- done with us?

After all of the energy we'd both put in to make our relationship work, I couldn't bear to think it would end like this. After everything we'd overcome and all of the obstacles we'd faced, I wouldn't let this be the reason why we ended. I was insensitive- yes, but I loved her more than anything and I knew deep down, all of her anger wasn't really directed toward me.

I pushed down on the screen and held the phone to my ear. With each passing ring my heart began to race faster. It was three until I finally heard shuffling on the other end and I felt my stomach drop.

"Hello?" Charli's voice said, just above a whisper.

I sighed as a shot of disappointment flushed through me.

"Hey," I said lowly. "How is she?"

Charli sighed into the receiver and I could sense her stress though the phone.

"Not good," she replied.

Her hushed tone worried me. Was it so bad that Cami couldn't hear her phone ring without completely losing it?

I needed to be there, as much as Cami might not want me to be, I had to. She needed me and I would be there no matter what. Even if she just ended up screaming at me, at least that was something.

"I'm coming over there," I announced.

"No!" Charli's voice said, suddenly raising into a yell. "You can't."

"And why the hell not? She's my girlfriend."

"She needs time Harry. I think it would be best if you just gave her some space right now."

"Charli, she needs me," I argued.

"No, what she needs is to be by herself. She doesn't wanna see anyone and you have to respect that."

Ouch. That stung.

"I'm not anyone," I countered.

Shuffling was heard on the other end and heavier breathing enveloped the sounds coming through my phone.

"Listen mate, you need to give her a chance to work through this on her own." It was Caleb now and he was much more stern than his girlfriend.

"Oh, so you two can both see her, but I can't?" I questioned.

"She hasn't left her room in days, Haz. We've barely seen her ourselves-"

"That's exactly why I should be over there!" I yelled.

"If you love her you'll listen to us. She needs some time and you need to let her have it," Caleb said losing patience.

I huffed in frustration and struggled not to whip my lamp off of my night stand in anger. Obviously they had their reasons for urging me to stay away and although they were hard to follow, if they were what was best for Cami, I needed to accept that.

"Let me know if anything changes," I surrendered.

"Of course," he confirmed.

The only thing I could do was wait. Until Cami wanted me, I was stuck on the outside without any first hand knowledge on how she was doing and I didn't like it. I felt useless and like all of this was my fault. If I had just let her drink without scolding her like a child, maybe I'd be with her right now. If I had only been a little more gentle, maybe she wouldn't have lost it like she had. Maybe she wouldn't be locked in her room right now, hiding away from the rest of the world and her feelings. Endless possibilities ran through my mind of all the things I could have done and said differently. It was so unfathomable that the fantasy weekend we'd shared was only a week ago. It felt like it had been a lifetime ago since everything between us was so perfect.

Cami's POV:

I'd never noticed how paper thin the walls in the apartment were until recently. Every word uttered between Caleb and Charli were clear and most days, beyond frustrating. Today's were especially hard to handle. Knowing that Harry had called my phone had me feeling a mix of emotions. On one hand I wanted to scream every profane word I knew until he was feeling just as broken as I was. On the other, I wanted to run into the hallway, grab my phone, and tell him to get to me as soon as he could.

I didn't do either.

Like I'd done for the last few days, I'd remained in my bed. I was nestled between the blankets and laying still in absolute darkness. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak and I surely couldn't deal with Harry. All I could do was lay there and think.

Nothing prepared me for the feeling of losing her. I knew it would eventually hurt- like her absence had, but I didn't think it would feel like this. It was as if someone had crawled inside my bones and set a fire to my heart. It felt like I was burning from the inside out and I couldn't find any relief. Mentally, I was begging to have her back for just one day. All I wanted was to talk to her for even ten minutes. Her letter was supposed to answer my questions but it only brought up new ones. Questions that no one in the world but her could answer. Knowing I would never get those answers put me in a state of stillness. It was like I couldn't even breathe without feeling like I might combust.

I read the letter over and over until the words had become a blur. While trying to make sense of them, I ended up jumbling the meaning even more. I questioned every sentence and word choice, just trying to see something in it I hadn't before. It was a lost cause. The words she wrote were just that- words. There was no underlying meanings, no reading between the lines. It was straightforward and clear as day, and yet- I couldn't find the answers she said she'd addressed.

I'd lost hope in everything. Nothing could make this feeling go away and I feared it never would. I had nothing to look forward to and no hope that anything would be worth it anyways. Any time I tried to be happy, it always blew up in my face. There was no point in it anymore.

Harry had seemed like the light at the end of an endless tunnel for me at first, but now I wasn't sure where we stood.

His words hurt, but they hurt more because they were true.

I was irresponsible and I was childish. I wasn't capable of taking care of myself or anything else for that matter. I was a mess; a walking disaster that destroyed anything in my path. I was incapable of maintaining any kind of healthy relationship and I would only hurt Harry if I let it go on. It was selfish of me to keep him, to hold him back from a girl with less baggage. I was too f.ucked up to function for the time being, much less be someone's girlfriend. I was losing hope in more than just myself. I was loosing hope that anything in my life would ever work out. It never had, why would it now?