I've been thinking a lot
Instead of sleeping at night
I stare at the ceiling
I ponder my lifeI can't help but get stuck in the past
Where I count my regrets
I know that it's pointless
Yet my mind refuses to restI'm trying to be good
To work on myself
But that leaves me with trauma
That I cannot helpFor the past 20 years
When I walk past a mirror
It's not myself I see
It's a mask that I wearIt's easy for me
To evaluate others
Whether direct or not
They tell you what they wantOnce someone opens up to me
Which is often these days
I transform my personality
To help them be okayI feel like I've let life pile up on me
I had to revise the majority of my dreams
I'm not the woman I was anymore
That changed recentlyI know it's for the better
In the end I'll be alright
Right now though, in the present
I'm sick of this fightI can tell I'm back to old habits
Where I let my body and my mind go
Even though it's dangerous
I can't say noThis life is consuming me
Or what's left of me, anyway
How much does it take
To actually be okayI did the easy part
I took the knives from my back
Then I let those wounds heal
As I got over what we hadThe hard part is ahead of me
The layers of trauma you left
I haven't discovered them all
But I've been working on itI sought out what you didn't give me
Cuddles and good sex
I found it with other men
Who let me be their friendEach time I was clear with them
I want to hang out and to fuck
I made sure to let them know
I'm not a girl to be lovedI took control over my body again
Which felt so good after all the pain
They showed me that I don't have to fake
All I needed was a different manI let the tables turn
I get to make the mood
I'm more than just a body
Waiting to get usedSee when you have to just lay there
Despite being half asleep
When you take what you can get
Even though it hurts from lazinessYou learn to take the pain
You learn to stop thinking
You become mindless
As they have their way with youIt was fun for a while
With the first guy, for sure
Then I met man #2
Who made me remember youI couldn't speak up
Though he knew the truth
I let him do it anyway
So I could be enoughHe showed me a lot, actually
He made me realize I'm lost
I apologize for everything
I ignore my own thoughtsHe let me see the baggage I carry
From your manipulation
When he noticed me crying
He didn't play the victimMan #2 made a mistake
He caught feelings for me
I didn't want to hurt anyone
But I'll never be readyI cut him off shortly after
My heart frozen in its core
He begged to stay and help me
I've heard that one beforeI told you, silly guy
I'm not a girl to be loved
Maybe in the past
Now, good luckI used to be a hopeless romantic
I wanted to be surrounded by love
Now love makes me sick
No matter who it's fromI've lost my knee, my intestines, and my heart
Check off my sobriety, too
I've turned to smoking a lot
So my mind can actually stopYeah, I know it's not a solution
I know it doesn't help
I just don't care about that
I don't care about myselfI'm trying to fix that, though
It's just harder than it seems
When I try to be more positive
My scars remind me it's a dreamI have given everything away
I've told the unrelenting truth
I've shown my real self to people
Only to be betrayed... and lied toSo let me take on the pain
It's what keeps me alive
If I go numb again
I won't make it this time
DU LIEST GERADE
Frozen Feelings
PoesieThis book outlines the pain I experienced in my past and the things that I look back on. These are my greatest fears and worst moments. I'm not writing this for the public, but for myself