stars and terrain (zayn malik)

Chapter 20

Zayn

I know I sort of planned this, but I regret it when it happens. Three cars have successfully trailed us all the way to Hollywood, and they're outside on their feet and snapping before our car even parks.

She looks horrified, her blue eyes wide and frantic. "Stay in the car. Go back to the hotel. I'll meet you back there."

"It won't make a difference," I shake my head. "They'll wait you out. I might as well go with you now."

"No!" she looks so upset.

I feel terrible for ever wanting this to unfold.

"Don't follow me, Zayn." She says it sternly and before I can grab her hand and pull her back she's launched herself out of the car and across the sidewalk.

Their questions aren't lost in the shuffle like they were back at the restaurant and without me they're arrows pointed directly at her. I want to cover Charlotte's ears and protect her from the vile things I'm all too used to, but she's too far away now. The only thing I can do to help is to distract them from my sweet, innocent girl they're trying to get to crack.

I climb out and follow after her, hoping I make it before she can slam her door in my face. It will all be caught on camera; this building is so open and... so terrible for this situation. What was I thinking?

They're catcalling her, and it takes every ounce of restraint in my body to not clock the loudest one. They've at least shifted their attention to me, and the onslaught of being terrible to my fans is a welcome change. I ball my fists at my sides and keep my eyes on Charlotte's body racing up the stairs. I get to the first flight when she's almost at the fourth.

I want to call her name, but I can't. I can't give that to them. So I take the steps two or three at a time and find myself on her floor just as she reaches her doorknob. She sees me and nods her head toward the door. I'm relieved she's not turning me away, and cross the distance between us quickly, following her inside.

We don't say anything for a minute, she locks the door and sits on her couch and looks really lost in thought.

I'm scared. Probably the most I've ever been in my life.

Scared that this is too much and this is day one and she won't want anything to do with me. I can almost guarantee that's what's going to come out of those beautiful, pink lips.

It's going to kill me. And I don't even blame her.

I don't even realize I'm pacing the small apartment, hands pressed together and raised up to my chin. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make her stay with me when even for her own sake I don't want her to.

This is day one. This is going to get so much worse. She hasn't even had a taste of what the fans do to anyone I'm rumored to be with.

I'm not worth this.

I wish I had gotten to spend more time with her.

"Well, I'm going to need a key to the house in Malibu."

I stop mid-step and turn towards the couch. "What?"

"They know where I live now, so..."

I measure her expression. It's serene, all things considered, and steady. Resolute.

"You're not fucking with me?" I ask, gently. This beautiful girl has the ability to obliterate my heart in the next second.

"What?" it's her turn to look confused. "Of course not."

I fall down next to her on the couch, our knees are touching and my hands are shaking.

"You're not going to say you're done with me?" my voice sounds so pathetic, but I can't bring myself to care.

"You really think I'd give up that easy?" a tiny smile plays on her lips and I smash my lips against them. They feel safe and they don't seem to give me a sense that she's about to make me leave.

"Wait," she's breathless when she pulls away but composes herself. "You thought I was going to dump you?"

She seems to have connected my words together and looks extremely amused.

I frown. "I wouldn't blame you if you did. This is the first day and look what happened."

"It's not like we've never hung out before. I've definitely seen paparazzi swarm you, many times."

She's so calm handling this bizarre world I've just thrust her into. How is she just so good at everything?

"Yes, but this is your place and it's so invasive. I won't blame you if you don't want to go any further. If you don't want to have to deal with this every day I understand. Because it's going to get worse, and I might not be worth all of it."

I drop my head in my hands. I'm warning her. Why am I warning her? Because I want her to be happy, which might mean staying out of my life.

Because I'm hopelessly in love with her.

"I love you."

It's like she's reading my thoughts, and at first I wonder if I'm imagining hearing it out loud. It doesn't sound real. Coming out of that angel voice. And I can't see her face because my eyes are buried under my hands so I'm not really sure it really happened.

So I assume it didn't.

I hear her knees drop to the floor, and feel her cold hands pull mine apart in front of me. When they drop our eyes lock, she's kneeling in front of me and they look so warm and sure. Maybe it did.

"Did you hear me?" she asks softly. "Can you stop feeling sorry for yourself?"

She gets me to smile and I shake my head to both questions. I need to hear it again.

"I love you, Zayn Malik."

It's the sweetest thing I've ever heard. It's the first time I've ever heard it.

I don't really know how my expression reads, but she doesn't look content with it.

"What's wrong? You said it to me, I can't say it back?"

Her confidence starts to waver and she stands, but I gently grab her wrist as soon as her eyes pull out of view.

"I said I was falling in love with you," I say, my voice low.

Confusion clouds her blue eyes and I shake my head. I don't mean it like that. I pull her down onto my lap and she settles herself down carefully.

"I said I was falling in love with you because I'm a coward. Because I know I'm in love with you, but I was afraid you wouldn't say it back and it felt like less of a risk. And you're perfect and wonderful, so of course you would just say it out right. You're so much fucking better than me, Charlie. I don't deserve you."

She harrumphs before she hugs me, tightly. Since she's sitting on my lap she can rest her head atop mine and she squeezes my head to her chest. I can feel her heart beat through her sweater and my eyes slide shut.

I love her more than I thought humanly possible. And this is still technically day one.