Guilty Love

6| Alone

I stared down at her while her eyes welled up with unshed tears. 

She let out a heavy breath, wiping her cheek quickly as a lone tear fell. "Quit it. I don't want to play your games anymore. You're back but that doesn't mean anything has to happen. We'll act like strangers because that's exactly what we are." 

"Really? We're strangers now?" 

"I think we are," she laughed dryly. "Because I have no idea who you are now. I lost the version of you I knew when you left that night. And I don't want it back." 

"I'm not asking you to take me back, damn it! I'm just trying to tell you what I felt and why I did what I did." 

"Why? Why now?" 

"Because I know you deserve an answer!" 

"Now I deserve an answer? When you left me, I didn't? The four years you were gone, I didn't? But now I do, huh?" She shook her head. "Just leave me alone. It's the one thing you can do for me. Leave me alone. You owe me after what you did to me." She spun around and left, walking faster this time, leaving me, walking away from me, running from me. She really wants nothing to do with me this time around. She absolutely hates me. And there's nothing I can do about it. 

After a few minutes of gathering myself, I started walking back home. 

Damon invited me earlier so I could keep him company while he coaches the kids for their after-school practice. Before I left for Boston and even when I was still in high school, Damon and I were always extremely competitive with soccer. We competed for captain and my last summer here, I was coaching those kids like he is right now. But then I left for Boston. 

I unlocked the front door to our house and let myself in. I walked into the kitchen to get some water and found my mom washing some fruits and vegetables. "Hi, hun," she smiled at me. "What's wrong? You don't look too happy," she pouted. 

"I'm fine. Just a little tired," I lied while sitting on the barstool and cracking the bottle open, drinking half of it down. 

She cleared her throat, turning to me while grabbing the chopping board and a knife. "Ronan." 

"Hmm?" 

"I'm apologizing in advance." 

I frowned, "For what?" 

"I invited Ryan and London for dinner tonight." 

I stared at her blankly. "You what? You invited London and her dad for dinner? Tonight?" 

She sighed, "Yeah. I feel bad for them, especially London. It's been so tough for her to take care of herself and her father after Josephine passed. You have no idea how hard things were for her. And you're finally back so it's a reason for us to celebrate. I know things between you and London are a little rough, but I know her, and I know she's a mature girl. I just hope you can do the same for one night." 

"Mom, are you serious?" 

"Ronan. I know your world starts and ends with her, but there's more to the world than just you two." 

I swallowed, fiddling with the bottle cap. 

"Your father and I were friends with Ryan and Josephine for a long time. We can't stop that for you and you know why," she explained calmly. 

"My world doesn't start and end with her," I argued. 

"Maybe not anymore. But still." We sat in silence for a while until she asked, "Do you miss her?" 

I stared at the bottle cap in my hands before spinning it on the countertop. "Yeah," I whispered. 

"Do you still love her?" 

"I don't know." 

"Do you still want her?" 

I put a finger on the lid, flattening it on the counter before looking up at Mom. "Maybe." 

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I got out of the shower later that evening, a few minutes before our guests came for the night. I had a towel wrapped around my waist while I dried my hair with a smaller one. I opened my closet, grabbing a pair of black trousers with a black button-up. 

Dinners like this are always formal between our families. That's how they became after Mrs. Josephine died. Before that, we all would have meals together often, barbeques too. But then everything became solemn and those happy dinners turned quiet. 

I sighed, glancing at my window as a breeze blew in, and noticed that her window and blinds were drawn open too. I walked to my desk, hanging the smaller towel on the back of the chair so it could dry, and watched as she came out of the bathroom herself. 

She had a black, fluffy towel wrapped around her chest, going down to her mid-thigh. Her hair was damp while she ruffled it out and walked to her closet, picking out a flowy, red sundress for the night. Before she could turn and catch me staring at her, I grabbed my clothes and went back into the bathroom to change. 

She thinks this has all been a game to me this whole time? Does she really think I did all this intentionally because I wanted to hurt her? She wants to play a game, I'll show her what a real game is. 

Because I am sick and tired of hearing it for the past four years, even from my parents, that I made a mistake, that I was in the wrong, that I shouldn't have let an amazing girl like her go. As if I don't know that already. But what I hate is how everybody fails to see why I did what I did. 

I chose myself not just because I was selfish and wanted to move ahead and leave her behind. I wanted to be something more, someone, worth being proud of. I wanted to take her with me, she knows that too, but when she told me she couldn't leave her father, I understood. So why didn't she understand how I felt? 

I wanted her to be proud of me, my parents to be proud of me, I wanted to become something actually worth it! I wanted to move past this small life in this small town where the only thing that matters is what people think of you. If she can't see that, if my parents can't see that, then I'm afraid there's nothing I can do about that. 

She wants me to leave her alone? I'll leave her alone. She wants to play a game? I'll play dirty. Not because I want her to regret not giving me a second chance. But because I'm tired and angry and frustrated and because I didn't fucking make a mistake by choosing myself. 

I couldn't be anything for her if I wasn't somebody myself. And I'll do whatever it takes to make her see that.

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Chapter 6

Do y'all think he's right or wrong?

next chapter: dirty