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𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐢𝐯𝐞
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The light of hope in his heart had faded, it was done. He couldn't win the fight against Kurapika, he was destined to lose that. He had already lost it, and he was going to lose it all over again if he tried anything. He knew about your feelings, he knew he couldn't win against the special, strong feelings you had for the boy. The fight was over before it had even begun. ''Well, the thought of having her was nice,'' Azami said to himself, smiling sadly while starting at his hands.
He knew he had to let you go all over again, after giving himself false hope, turning on a faux light in the darkness of his heart. The light that was shining for you, because of you. He felt like, besides all of the awful things he felt about himself, about the world and everything around it, he felt like you gave him hope. The thought of you being beside him was what gave him hope to not give up. He had a purpose to fight the most horrible thought that would continuously come up in his mind.
Could he do it again? Could he fight his feelings again?
He loved you so, so, so much, and wasn't sure if he was able to hide it all over again. He wasn't sure if he wanted to. You're the best woman he knows, and he loves you. To him, you are as warm as the summer and as soft as the snow. He loves you, and he'd do anything for you.
The feelings and thoughts kept swinging around, from having to hope to it being completely crushed again. He couldn't take it, but what was he supposed to do? Go away from you? Far, far away so he'd give himself the chance to move on? Maybe that was for the best, maybe it was the best for both of you. Azami wouldn't feel like a burden anymore and you could freely enjoy the world with Kurapika without him seeing you two. It would be better for his heart, better for the voice in his head that would be screaming at you. 'See, you're worth nothing.' 'Of course she chose him, you're pathetic.' Would be some of the words that would get screamed in his head.
He'd have to continuously wear the smile, the tiring smile, it had worn him out over the years. He would continuously have to pretend like nothing was going on— like he was happy you were with Kurapika. Of course, he was happy in a way, but he wished it was with him. He wished it was him you'd spend the rest of your life with.
And it made him feel selfish. It made him feel disgusting about himself. He felt like he was taking your happiness away like this— as if you aren't allowed to be with anyone but him. He didn't know what to do anymore. He thought that maybe, you were the one who was going to save him.
Maybe moving away wasn't such a bad idea after all.
''You okay?'' you asked Azami when you suddenly saw his eyes go dull, his lips were curled up into a sad smile, a smile that made your heart clench in pain. A smile, usually something that shone as brightly as the sun, now looked like a thunderstorm and rain. You clenched your jaw, knowing what you had told him about Rin and Kurapika could be the cause of his sudden sadness.
