High School Journal

Tuesday, September 15 - Complicated state of Mind

I'm in such a complicated state of mind.  On the one hand, I can't stop feeling the hurt inside as I constantly wonder if my mom will get better. Then, on the other hand, I can't stop thinking about Connor. I feel guilty for thinking about anything good while others are in pain.   It's been tormenting me all day.  

I had to get some relief from everything that is building up inside me, so I told Hannah about the note that Connor left for me in my locker.   She was as excited as I am.  She said she thought Connor liked me.  I told her there was no way that he could be interested in me. 

I felt awkward all day at school today.  I tried to hold my head down and stay under the radar.  I wanted to get through the day as quickly and painlessly as possible.  And now, I was actually hoping to avoid Connor all day.  It's usually the opposite.  On most days, I find myself sitting in class daydreaming about him, wishing that I could talk to him.  I did see him in the hallway once today in between classes. I don't think he noticed me, though. 

I also had to continue to deal with the "I'm sorry to hear about your mom and brother" comments today.   I suppose that everyone means well.  They think they can somehow comfort me with an apology – as if their sympathy will make it hurt any less.  

The teachers, on the other hand, were not as sympathetic.  We had an in-class group project in science that I missed last week, and the teacher gave me sixty percent on it as a gift.  I suppose it's better than getting a zero, but a sixty percent is still going to bring my grade down for the quarter.  It doesn't seem fair.  It's not like what happened was my fault. 

Dad and I went to the hospital to visit mom and Josh as soon as I got out of school.  The visit went well.   Josh was looking forward to coming home in a couple of days.  Mom's flowers were dying.   I think they might have another day or two left in them, and then it will be time to throw them away.  

Dad came home with me tonight.  This will be the first time he has spent the night at home since the accident happened.  I helped make something for dinner tonight like Mom always does. Dad and I ate together at the table and talked.  He asked me how school was today.  I told him it was okay.  I told him I was trying to get caught up on all my work.  

Dad told me he had to go back to work tomorrow.  The boss called him this morning and told him he needed him back.  I know he's not ready.  But I think we need the money.  I wonder if I could find a part-time job to help out.  I'll have to look online later to see if I can find a job. 

After dinner, I went to my room to write in my journal.  When I opened it, I saw the note that Connor wrote to me yesterday. I slipped it in between some of the tear-stained pages from this past week.  I opened it up and reread it.  This is what he wrote:

Hi Paige.  I hope you're doing well.  I hope you don't mind me leaving you this note. I just wanted to tell you that I am thinking about you.  Give me a call if you would like to talk.  I hope to hear from you.  

Your Friend,

Connor

941-555-2548

I don't know if I should call him.  What if he just wants to be friends?   I don't know if I could handle being just friends.  I want so much more than that.