𝐴𝐿𝐼𝐾𝐸 - Peter Parker

67.

I was struggling a lot with the past. I hadn't touched my spiderwoman suit even once since I came back. I couldn't shake the feeling that the whole hydra thing wasn't over. I knew I was safe in the avengers facility and I was having such a good time catching up with everyone, including MJ.

I hugged her so tightly that she told me she couldn't breathe but man, had I missed her. She cried and then I started crying. I'd always cry whenever she did.

I had been distancing with Peter a bit. We still slept in the same bed but whenever he'd try to heat things up, I'd turn him down. Not because I didn't want to have sex with him, but because of my scars. Of course he'd seen some of them, but he hadn't seen the absolute worst ones. The thick one that ran down my side, stopping at my hip. The bullet wounds in my right thigh. And lastly, the scars on my back. The one's I hated most and the one's that had been the most painful. Hydra liked to use a good old torture method called, whipping.

-

I sat down at the edge of the roof looking up at the stars, trying to distract myself from the painful memories hydra had drilled into my brain. No luck. The several memories of me holding guns to innocent peoples heads and just pulling the trigger like was it nothing. The flashbacks to all the times I slit men, woman... even children's throats.

I pulled out a cigarette and placed it between my lips before lighting it. It numbed the pain a little bit, but not even close to enough. I took a deep breath, letting all the smoke I had just inhaled, out.

"Can I bum one?" a voice behind me asked and I opened and held out the pack, without looking at who it was. I didn't care. "Thanks," Bucky sat down next to me and I lit the cigarette for him. "Aren't you a little young to be smoking?" he then asked and I kept on staring out at the darkness.

"You're the one lending cigarettes from an 19 year old," I casually stated and nudged my face an inch closer to the cigarette so I could get the smoke faster. I don't think he knew what to answer, and most of all, I just wanted him to leave so I could concentrate on distracting myself.

"So why are you up here?" he asked and I glanced down at my cigarette before answering.

"Couldn't sleep," I finally turned my head to him just briefly, but enough to show a little affection. "You?" I asked and knocked down on the cigarette with my pointy finger so the ashes smoothly fell down where I couldn't see them anymore.

"Yeah same here," he sighed and took a whiff. He had been through the exact same thing as me, but just for much longer so I found it hard to watch him act like nothing had even happened. "I know what you're thinking about," he then said.

"Oh really?" I snickered sarcastically and looked down.

"Yeah. Really. I was trapped by Hydra too, and I know the things they put you through," I looked up at the stars and unknowingly I started counting the stars. Not like I was ever going to actually finish. It was a distraction... but distractions are never permanent.

"Just because you suffered there too, doesn't mean I suffered any less," my hand began shaking, as I moved it up to my mouth and inhaled again.

"I'm just saying that maybe I could help you, since I've been through what you're going through right no-"

"I don't want your help," I interrupted. "I want to go back to before that stupid fucking mission,"

"Well you can't do that,"

"Well I want to," I quickly snapped back and instantly regretted it. "Sorry," he looked down.

"It's okay, and it's not your fault," he flicked his cigarette out of his hand and put his hand on my shoulder. "Hydra makes you someone you're not. And it takes time to get back, but it'll take forever if you're doing it alone,"