Out Of Control - How It Ended

25

TW's:
-Lot of mentions past suicide attempt
-Suicidal thoughts
-Panic attack

Clay's POV

I had been quieter than usual the next few days and my dad had immediately been calling around for help. I didn't stream or edit videos anymore, I tended to lay in bed all day while I used to be an energetic person.

George managed to get me out of bed more often, but I knew that as soon as he wasn't with me, I would just stay in bed while I cried.

Today was my first day of therapy and I drove there myself as I just was zoned out while driving. I suddenly understood George's suicidal thoughts and his low self esteem. I hadn't enjoyed life much anymore since the flashbacks and nightmares kept haunting me.

I sighed deeply as I parked my car and stepped out of it to go inside of the building I had to be at. I just sat down on a chair and looked in front of me without a meaning. I felt empty.

After a while my name got called out, but I was too zoned out to realise. The man walked to me and waved in front of my face, causing me to get startled. 'Oh, I'm sorry,' I muttered, standing up slowly.

I walked inside of his office and sat down in front of him.

'Hello Clay. I spoke with your dad and I know some small things, but I would like you to tell me.'

I shrugged. 'People suspect that I have PTSD and I feel depressed.'

'Do you also feel suicidal sometimes?'

'Yeah, when the flashbacks keep coming, I'm rather dead than seeing it again.'

'How realistic are your thoughts? Do you make plans to end it?'

'No, I don't think I can leave my family, friends and husband behind, but if they wouldn't have been here, I might have made plans to.'

'Do you feel restless?'

I shrugged. 'I don't even know what I'm feeling anymore. I want to be in bed all day.'

'Can you tell me a bit more about your trauma?'

'I will cry, though. I might have a panic attack too,' I muttered.

'That's okay, that's why I'm here to help.'

I nodded slowly. 'It's a lot. Do I tell it all or only the worst one?'

'You can start from the beginning.'

'I don't even know where it all started anymore. When my husband was my boyfriend still, our lives have been made a living hell. We got beaten up, we got hurt, sworn at. I got sexually assaulted by some guy who liked me and I forgave him, but it still hurt.'

'Okay,' the therapist said as he wrote it down.

'My mum left me at two and came back, abusing me for being gay.'

I started tearing up as I thought about George again. The therapist noticed and gave me a glass of water. 'What are you thinking about?'

I bit the inside of my cheek and sniffed softly as my body started to shake.

'I see him hanging there again,' I whispered. 'When he was eighteen, he tried to commit suicide. I came from the dentist to his place to cuddle with him since I knew he was upset. When I came back I saw a suicide note and I ran upstairs to see him hang in front of me with a lifeless expression. He was incredibly pale, his heart was beating really slowly. I had to perform CPR on him and-.'

I bursted out into tears and started crying loudly as I breathed quickly.

'Then he tried to commit suicide again,' I whispered.

TW panic attack (not detailed)

I broke down and within seconds my body got so numb that I had the worst panic attack in my life. The therapist sat next to me and started talking to me, distracting me from what was happening.

The panic attack was so bad that it lasted for at least ten minutes, but I finally calmed down after that. The therapist sat back on his chair and nodded.

TW over

'You're suffering from PTSD and depression. As soon as you think your suicidal thoughts get really real, please call me or any of your friends.'

I was numb and stared in front of me. 'I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm so scared.'

'You're going to get EMDR therapy which is trauma therapy. It means that someone is going to give you too many things to do at once so your brain breaks the connection between the feeling of panic and the flashback.'

I nodded slowly.

'We're going to start as fast as possible with it. When is the first time you're free?'

'I'm free every day, I quit doing everything I like.'

'Would you like to come back tomorrow? EMDR is exhausting so you will only want to sleep or relax afterwards.'

I nodded. 'Sure.'

I left the office after a while and went home just to cuddle with George.

The next day I went back for EMDR and this continued for weeks. At first I thought it wasn't working, but once I let all my emotions out and really wanted the EMDR to work, it started working.

Five weeks after my first therapy, it finally worked a lot and I got home with a smile. I hadn't had as many flashbacks or nightmares.

'Are you okay?' George asked me while holding Sheep. He had been here for me every single day and tried comforting me when I had countless panic attacks.

'I'm feeling okay,' I said, kissing his cheek. 'I'm very sorry for barely being here for you lately and not being enthusiastic or happy about things. I'm feeling a bit better now and I hope to pick up my life again.'

'YouTube?'

'I'll continue with YouTube again. You have to understand that I'm still a bit sad sometimes because the flashbacks aren't fully gone.'

'I'm here for you.'

'I'm sorry that I was depressed.'

'Stop, you're not allowed to say sorry. I wasn't allowed to either.'

'I just want to be here for you, because you need it more than I do.'

'I'm happy!' George said. 'I'm very happy.'

I smiled. 'I hope you are.'

'I'm happy and you need care so I'm taking care of you!' he said happily. 'Am I taking good care of you?'

I nodded and kissed him on his lips shortly. 'Thank you, honey.'

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