Belonging Season

Chapter 12

Chapter 12
The Bittersweet Taste of Self-Acceptance

"AM I a bad person, Kuya?"

I watched how his shadow followed him in every movement. The light in my room is weak but his dark shadow is clearly visible on the wall beside him.

I just finished my homework when my brother wanted to play chess with me.

Kuya Aaris stopped moving the queen piece upon hearing my question.

"Bakit mo naman naitanong?"

I breathed in silently and breathe out loudly.

"I tried my best in school. I did what I could para maging katiwa-tiwala at katanggap-tanggap." I closed my eyes to prevent myself from crying. "I have no one who genuinely cares for me at school, Kuya." I opened my eyes and faked a smile. "Yes, kinakausap nila ako especially kung may quizzes at exams pero kung wala na silang kailangan, hindi ko na rin sila malapitan."

"Isla. . ."

"I have no one to call my own 'bestfriend'. Not even sure if I have a true friend. I have no one to share my thoughts with. No one to share my secrets with. My religion is the only difference we have but they made me feel like I am totally different from them."

Ang hirap lunukin ng mga salitang lumalabas sa bibig ko. I saw my brother looking at me with pity in his eyes. Kahit muslim si Kuya, hindi siya nahirapan na makahanap ng mga tunay na kaibigan.

I guess it is true.

May difference din talaga ang friendship ng mga babae at lalaki. Maybe, girls are gullible with other girls but they are not trustworthy.

"You're only sixteen and you're already telling me this?"

Right. I should not have said all of these in front of him. Mag-aalala lang siya.

"Sabagay." Tumango-tango at napaisip. "Walang pinipiling edad ang discrimination." Hilaw na ngumiti si Kuya habang malambing na nakatingin sa akin. "Bunso, don't force yourself in a place where you don't belong."

Hinawakan niya ang gilid ng ulo ko. Lalo kong naramdaman kung paano magmahal ang nakatatandang kapatid. Kuya Aaris is a showy sibling. Hindi siya iyong tipong puro pang-aasar lang ang nalalaman. He knows how to balance his treatment towards me.

"You belong in a place where you matter. You belong here. I am your Kuya. I'm your bestfriend. You can tell me your thoughts," wika niya habang hinihimas ang ulo ko. "Even your secrets and crushes."

Umiwas ako sa hawak niya at sinamaan siya ng tingin. Lagi niya akong inaasar sa mga crush na iyan, wala naman akong nagugustuhan sa school.

"Kuya, I have no crush!"

"Basta tandaan mo, nandito lang si Kuya Aaris mo. H'wag mong kuwestyunin ang halaga mo tuwing kasama mo ako."

I wanted to tease him a bit. "Girlfriend mo, xbox, or ako?" I am confident that he will choose me.

"Siyempre, girlfriend ko."