POLLUTED

37. Mistake

And while I was drowning in my analysis of my feelings, I barely registered when she got the first place. My heart busted with joy for her. She looked so adorable up there with trophy in her hand. I so badly wanted to click a picture but my mind already clicked one for I knew I would take that picture to the grave or even after.

I couldn't stop myself from following her once after the competition..I just wanted her to take me in. Even for a second...I couldn't bare to let her not know of my existence anymore.

And when I approached her...I could barely contain my excitement as it was the first time I had ever been up this close to her. Her baby hair was coming out of her plaits, she had a black bindi on her forehead, her long lashes were kissing the skin of her cheek and her glasses hung low on her nose. Her light brown orbs peeking into my dark ones with curiosity and confusion. I had to make up an excuse in that very second-

"Can I see your trophy?" I blurted.

"Uh s-sorry w-what?" She stammered.

God! Was I making her nervous? Am I too cold? I cleared my throat and-

"The trophies are different. I wanted to see how first place trophy looks like. You see my school chic got third place and you first. So.."

Can you be anymore stupid Randhir? Trophy? Seriously? She was eerily quite. The silence was killing me..I was just hoping that she didn't tell me off right then. I wanted a few more moments with her.

"Can I?..can I see it?" I asked again.

"Oh sure. Here" 

She handed me her trophy and I started examining it. Call me a creep but I wanted to take a look at it because my girl won it! and I wanted to feel close to her by touching what she was holding till now.

I gave back the trophy and asked her the question I probably wanted to ask since forever.

"Which std are you in?" I questioned.

"Uh..8th"

Ok 8th..meaning she's 2 years younger than me. Fuck she's just 13. I don't know why but this info irritated me beyond lengths. Not once had I thought that probably she could be younger than me...for she always seemed someone so ahead of her peers. Hell she was even more matured than I ever was. And suddenly I felt the nasty feeling in my chest and stomach. I've been harboring feelings for someone who's barely 13...she's a child. Not that I'm an adult or anything but the sudden burst of anger I was feeling had actually nothing to do with our age. You can feel things beyond your age...all the time..I knew it. But the reason for my anger was...she can't probably understand what I'm feeling right now. For she's just 13, thinking about a boy who's obsessed over her should be the last thing on her mind. What was I even thinking coming here? That I will talk to her and hope to start something?  Is that what I wanted? And the answer was yes. That answer made me more angry at myself...and I did the worst thing possible..

"You don't sing that well" I blurted out.

"W-whhat?" She asked.

" I said you don't sing that well. And you definitely don't deserve the first place" I smirked. The moment those words left my mouth I regretted it. That arrogant bastard in me who had this defense mechanism to destroy something before it destroys him took over my senses. The only difference was that I wanted to save her and not me this time...I wanted to save her from destruction which is...me.

Once again my inner demons won the war and my ever stupidity to think I saved her from something had done the damage. I could clearly see that in her face...the look of hurt I planted. Before I could even attempt to correct my mistake, she scowled saying--

" Thanks for your input"

and walked away...

She didn't even turn back. If she did, she could've seen the hurt that mirrored in my face. I knew that very instant that I had ruined something so beautiful before it ever began and in the process ruined myself.

I couldn't sleep that day...nor for the rest of the week. I was feeling so bad about myself. It felt like I failed her by letting my inner demons take over right in front of her...when all she did was mend my heart all these years. This sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach was too much to bear. Perhaps that was my first heartbreak. Too bad... I brought this heartbreak upon myself. Even my family noticed the subtle changes in me, despite my amazing hiding skills. They knew something was wrong and pried for details but I kept quite like always. They wouldn't understand. Who would even take a 15 year olds feelings seriously?

I didn't visit her frequently from then on...for I was afraid she would recognize me and I wouldn't be able to take the look of dislike in her eyes for me. Also I thought I didn't deserve to be in her presence. Because all the light she gave me through years and all I gave her was the darkness in that one unfortunate moment.

After a few days of looming around I understood that I had to heal myself. I wasn't completely out of the things I went through and I had to mend myself. I started working on myself more and more. I understood my behavior patterns and tried to deduce why I react in a certain way to a particular situation. I missed her terribly but I didn't dare go to find her anymore. How do you even explain missing someone when that person doesn't even know they're being missed?

Soon my results were out and I had scored pretty well. It was time to start the next stage of my life...my 11th and 12th. Dad suddenly suggested we all move to the city so that I can attend good coaching classes for my future her preparation. Though I knew I had to move out I didn't really think my whole family would move out. We eventually moved into the city but I never felt that heartbreaking feeling of leaving Sakshi behind. Maybe because I knew I'd always come back to her and this distance was just temporary.

*How sweet is he? And why the hell are most boys not expressive?(cries in the corner)

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