Sarge: Attention: Blue Team! This is the Red Team! We are here to destroy you! Your long reign of being the shittiest team around is about to come to the sudden and cataclysmic end! We will give you a few moments to suck in the horrors of this announcement! And then return for your reaction. Be right back!
Sarge backs down towards Red Base, where Simmons and Grif are standing.
Sarge: Hehe. Alright, that oughta scare the bejeebus out of them!
Simmons: Actually, sir. Since it's just two of them over there—
Grif: And one is an idiot...
Simmons: —I don't really see the point in psychological warfare.
Sarge: You're right, Simmons. It's not really accurate to refer to one person as a team. What's better? Blue Person? Blue Man? Bluetonian?
Simmons: What I meant was—
Sarge: Bluetard!
Simmons: ...What I meant was, I don't see the point in announcing to them that we're gonna attack. Why don't we just do it?
Sarge: There's an order to this, Simmons. We can't abandon protocol just because we have an advantage! We have to give them a chance to see the errors of their Blue ways! To lay down their arms and meet their fellow men at the table of peace, where we can work together towards a better world. A world that's better, because we poisoned their food at that table, and stabbed them in the eye with a fork. And taken all their stuff.
Simmons: ... Dibs on the computers.
Sarge: Noted. Now watch that base. Tell me if anything changes.
Simmons: Yes, sir! And sir?
Sarge: Yes, Simmons?
Simmons: I just wanna say, I'm glad I was here to see you on your day of victory. It's been a long time coming.
Sarge: Yes it has, hasn't it? My skills as a leader have really taken us far. It must've been quite an honor to serve with me. (pause) Ah... okay. Glad we had this talk.
Simmons: [hopeful] Are you glad I'm here too, Sarge?
Sarge: Of course I am.
Simmons: I knew it! I just could—
Sarge: The squad's kill-death ratio is the most important measurement when evaluating sergeants! If you had died, that would've hurt my numbers.
Simmons: (sniffs; walks off) (dejectedly) Glad I could help!
Sarge: It's better to keep a little padding in our stats! That way, if we're far enough ahead, I can stab Grif in the face, and still stay in the lead.
Grif: You know, I'm standing right here.
Sarge: Right where I want you: within face-stabbing range!
A radio sounds.
Sarge: Lopez, Thea, how are those vehicle repairs coming?
Lopez answers.
Lopez: ¿Cómo van? El jeep está destruido. No se puede arreglar. [Coming? The jeep is destroyed. It can't be fixed.]
Thea: Yeah Sarge.
Sarge: Got an ETA?
Lopez: Sí. Nunca. [Yes. Never.]
Sarge: As long as they get it ASAP! Cuz I need it PDQ!
Lopez: En ese caso, nunca menos uno. [In that case, never minus one.]
Sarge: Lopez, you're a regular RFR—Really Fast Robot. Grif! Make a note in the acronym journal. Simmons! Status report!
YOU ARE READING
Red vs blue (female OC) season 7
FanfictionChurch is gone, for good this time and project freelancer has been defeated. The reds and blues have new bases in Valhalla. Caboose and Shawn are doing a mysterious project and the reds have a new car. Donut comes back with a message, that Tucker is...
