I was in tears by now. Not tears of sadness, but agitation and frustration. I was so fucking sick and so fucking tired of feeling this way, but I didn’t know how else I was supposed to feel. I was slapping the tears off my face trying to get myself to toughen up. That’s what I’ve been doing for a while now. I’ve read some comments about me in the past few weeks talking about how cold I’ve been, how unemotional and disconnected I was from everything and everyone around me; and that’s exactly how I wanted it to be. I only had a few select people in my life to actually care for me, not just the me that was on stage, I couldn’t care less about those who wanted me as Luke Hemmings. If I was being honest, I was starting to not even give a fuck about those who wanted the real me too, but they were my only foundation, the only people I could rely on to not just completely fuck me over. Julia was the newest member of that group and probably the last.
I looked at the source of the sound that woke me up before groaning once I realized that it was just a text message from my manager. He’d been scolding me for ages now because of how I was acting, but I couldn’t be bothered. I knew he was just trying to scare me into being good, but he was never going to go along with his plans to “replace me” or “send me to rehab”.
It was 4 in the morning what the hell does he want from me?
Luke. I know it’s early and that you’re probably suffering through a hangover, but this needs to be said right now and be done as soon as possible. You and the boys need to be out of the spotlight until your act is cleaned up so all four of you will be back in America in the studio for the next few months. All interviews and appearances have been canceled until you’re able to fix yourself. Please remember that whatever you choose to do affects not only you, but the entire band. We all want the best for you, please remember that.
Josie’s P.O.V.
It didn’t take long for my face to be plastered over all the magazines as the pathetic ex girlfriend who wanted the boy back, but Kate reassured me that she’ll get it off the presses as soon as she could. Everytime I left my house, a camera was shoved in my face and obscene words would be yelled at me left and right. A simple trip to the groceries would turn into a disaster because of the paps and the demanding questions forced upon me. It was so bad that I’ve resorted to ordering everything online. But I couldn’t say that I was mad about it. It gave me the opportunity to stay at home and avoid everything ailing me from the outside world.
Happiness was a foreign word to me nowadays. Sure the bad jokes Chandler would make through my copious amount of Friends marathons would let me crack a smile or two every hour, but it was like I was forcing myself to feel something that I knew I couldn’t. The amount of hate I’ve gotten for breaking it off with 1/4 of one of the biggest bands in the world has started to make me feel numb. I was desensitized by the vile insults that people would throw at me. But I knew that I had to keep on smiling for everyone else around me.
When paps showed up, I would want nothing but to punch them in the face, but of course I would refrain myself from doing so. The dirty looks I’d get from younger teenage girls who have always dreamt of dating Luke wouldn’t get to me anymore. I’d like to think that this whole thing was making me stronger, but I knew that was just absurd.
This isn’t strengthening me. This isn’t freedom. Jesus. The only time I ever left my home was the studio. I’ve missed events, social gatherings, interviews, not because I couldn’t handle the pressure, but because I didn’t even want to attempt to. I didn’t want to have to act like everything was okay, like I wasn’t in fucking pain every time I saw anyone who looked remotely like him, every time I heard someone say his name even if it had nothing to do with the actual him.
All I knew was it hurt and it hurt even more to do things that would influence that pain so I tried to keep myself away from all of that.
”You can’t hide in here forever,” Lily said trying to convince me to get out
”You can’t force me to leave either,” I said munching on my bowl of popcorn as I turned on my television
”Josie please, I know you’re feeling like shit, but you need to move on. It’s obvious that he did,” she spoke giving me tough love as I tried to block out her last comment
”Fuck off,” I spat not being able to control myself
”I’m sorry Jojo but that’s what you need to hear and even though you hate me for saying that, you know damn right that it’s true,” she stood her ground, planting herself right in front of the screen to block my view
”I wish I didn’t,” I mumbled as she sighed
”What have you been doing in here anyways? Have you even checked Twitter? Or the Internet in general? What about your mail?” She asked finally giving up and walking over to my stack of mail on my desk. The amount of envelops that I have been accumulating over the past few days was starting to become a mess. My regular routine would be to pick up the stack of paper that my mail main would leave me then I’d just plop it onto my table without even giving it a second look, but I guess Lily was it since she was already going through it.
”Dumb sales people. Random retail coupons that you don’t even need. And oh- what’s this?” She began listing off what I had before stopping
”Unless it’s a package with more popcorn in it. Don’t even bother telling me,”
”It’s for Alex and Lisa’s wedding. I know it because I got mine a few days ago. Jesus Jo, have you even looked through your mail once in the past week?” she said
Alex from All Time Low was a great friend of mine. We’ve done a multitude of collaborations with the band just because of the musical connection we had with all of us so it was no surprise that we clicked immediately. While I was writing with him, his girlfriend was visiting before he proposed and just by seeing them interact with each other, you could just tell how in love they were with each other. It was disgustingly adorable, and I couldn’t be happier for them about the wedding, but at the same time, I didn’t want to go.
”So we need to go dress shopping! It’s next month!” Lily said trying to come up with another excuse to get me out
”Nice try,” I scoffed shaking my head
”You can’t miss his wedding! This will probably be his only one. I mean you know the both of them, it’s obvious that he won’t be having another one anytime soon. And you know he’d be gutted if you weren’t there. You were always rooting for the two of them and now it’s finally happening,” Lily argued
"Fine," I groaned
YOU ARE READING
Fame || LRH
Fanfiction"But then she came along and absolutely demolished me in the best way possible."
Chapter Thirty-Two
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