natasha romanoff one shots

tears

A/N: Here's me just getting my own problems out in a one shot. I really project my issues on to Y/N I gotta feel bad for the girl. Lmao. Enjoy.

⚠️trigger warning: subtle mentions of sh⚠️

I sat alone in my bed, staring aimlessly at the wall in front of me. I wasn't really focusing on the wall, or anything at all, in fact everything had blurred into one. My blanket hung loosely over my legs as I hugged my knees close to my chest and rested my chin on them. Everything felt numb. It came over me like one massive wave and suddenly I was drowning - not in emotions but in my lack thereof. So much was happening all at once yet my brain decided to shut down in a futile attempt to block it all out leaving me in a painful nothingness.

My chest felt tight and my eyes felt exhausted but there was no way to release it. I couldn't cry. Even though I so desperately wanted to there were no tears. The build up was excruciating. All the thoughts spiralling in my head and nowhere for them to escape. I missed my family. I missed everyone I had lost. I was tired of myself and tired of the universe. I was sick of everything going wrong for me and nothing going right. My jaw felt sore from the constant tensing of it and my stomach growled but I was frozen in place, simply unable to make myself move.

I turned my gaze to blink at the fading light outside the window. Not even the beauty of nature could make me feel. My eyes felt so, so heavy. The tears felt like they were right there but they didn't fall when I urged them to. Oh what I would do for those hot tears to stream down my cheeks, for the sobs to get caught in my throat, for the release of all those pent up emotions. I looked back, training my eyes down to the blanket as I fiddled with the hem of it.

I felt the bed dip beside me and a palm rest on my bare arm. I just blinked, not shifting my eyeline to meet her eyes. I knew they would be full of pity. I didn't want pity. I just wanted to feel something.

"Princess?" Nat whispered, rubbing her hand up and down my arm, "What's wrong?"

"I don't know." I croaked. My voice was hoarse and my throat felt dry as I forced the words out. Wordlessly, Nat passed me a glass of water from the bedside table and made me take a sip. I had to admit, it was refreshing. Then she shuffled to put her arm around my shoulder and pulled me lightly into her. I allowed my head to flop onto her chest and we just laid there for a while. "I don't know what's wrong."

"That's okay. I'll be here when you do know. Do you think talking it through will help?" Nat asked sincerely.

"I can't feel anything." I mumble.

"Are you injured? Do I need to get Bruce?" Nat rushed, panic evident on her face.

"No. It's not physical. Emotionally. I don't feel anything. I want to I really do but there's nothing there." I explained, voice monotonous and tired. "It's right there. Everything I feel is right there begging to be let out," I muttered, pointing to my chest, "But I can't reach it to pull it out. I want to let it out, Tasha, I want to feel something. I want to scream. And cry. And shout."

I huffed, tucking myself in closer to Nat's embrace. The only hint of any feeling I had left was the lingering love for Natasha which never left. Other than that I was an empty shell of the person I was just days ago. Nat rubbed my shoulder softly, allowing me to snuggle in as close to her as I needed, and turned the TV on. She flicked through the channels until I pointed at something I liked and she pressed play.

"I know it's hard, angel, I do. Sometimes I get those days where no matter how much I want to feel something, I just can't. And it aches, I know. Your whole body aches to release all that pain and anger and sadness but there's nothing we can do but wait it through. We can't force it out, baby, and if I could I would take that burden away from you in an instant but I wasn't blessed with the power to do that. Just know I love you, and I will be here when the time comes to let all that emotion out, okay?" Nat reassured me as we both watched the meaningless show on the TV.

I just nodded, chewing the inside of my mouth solemnly. Eventually I must have drifted off into a dreamless slumber in Nat's embrace. When I woke, the TV and lamps were turned off and the blinds were shut. Nat clearly did this for me before clambering back into bed and hugging me again.

That ache in my chest only felt more intense after a pointless sleep. My eyes burned, needing the tears that just wouldn't show and my lungs begged to just scream. Maybe if I screamed, the tears would come. I knew I wouldn't feel remotely happy until I got this numbness out of my system but I just didn't know how.

I sat up in bed to look down at Natasha. I shook her shoulder lightly and whispered to her. "Tasha. Please wake up. Tash?"

She groaned slightly as she woke from her peaceful slumber and rubbed her eyes to look at me. Concern contorted her face as she noticed the expression on my face. I chewed my lip in stress, making it bleed the slightest bit, and my eyebrows were furrowed.

"Hey. Hey. What's wrong?" She asked, her voice raspy with sleep.

"I need to let it out. I don't know how but it's killing me Natasha. I just want to feel something. I'm scared that if I don't let it out now, I'll end up doing something stupid. Something worse." I replied with a shaky voice.

Her hand reached up to cup my face and I tilted my head to lean into the touch. Without me having to explain, she knew what the worse was. She knew that sometimes if I couldn't feel, or didn't know how to handle my emotions, I would take it out on myself. So, she knew that when I said I needed a way to let my emotions out, she had to find a way to help me do so. A healthy way to help me do so.

"Come on." Nat invited, hands intertwined with mine as we walked towards the door of the compound. The rain hammered against the windows lining the corridors so she picked up two raincoats from the store cupboard as we went. As we reached the door, she pulled a yellow jacket over my shoulders for me and white one over hers, then she dragged me out into the rain.

We ran until we were in a little clearing in the forest, far enough so no one could hear but close enough that we wouldn't be lost or unsafe. The raindrops dropped off of our hoods onto our faces but we didn't care. The feeling was quite refreshing.

"Nat, what are we doing out here?" I finally asked, not paying attention to the fact she just dragged me out of the compound at 2am in the rain until now.

"You can let them out now. Scream. Shout. Sob." She explained, placing both hands on my shoulders.

"Tasha. You know I can't that the whole problem." I hung my head, slightly worried that I'd disappointed her.

"You said you can't feel. That doesn't mean you can't scream. Scream and the feelings will follow. Trust me. Let it out, darling, let it all out."

I hesitated, but after looking up and meeting her encouraging gaze, I decided to try. They were feeble screams at first. Embarrassing first attempts that hardly sounded like screams. But I had to admit they were somewhat helping. So then I truly screamed. I let all the anger and hurt and fear out in a cry that left me breathless. The rain poured around me, down my face and drenched my hair, but I didn't feel it. All I felt was the relief flooding through my mind and body.

Natasha was right. The feelings did follow - in those hot tears and choked sobs I'd been craving so desperately. Suddenly, I couldn't tell where the rain stopped and the tears started. My eyes were glossy but I could still make out Nat's silhouette in the darkness. The tears were a combination of the pent up negative emotions and happiness. Finally it was out. Finally I felt something.

I grabbed onto Nat's shoulders for support then pulled her into a tight hug. One of her hands snaked up to hold my head whilst her other arm held my waist. I sobbed into her shoulder, letting the tears flow endlessly. My gasps reduced to shaky breaths as she held me, but I allowed to tears to continue until I was free of the pain.

"Thank you." I mumbled into her neck. "Thank you. Thank you. Thank you."

"Anything for you, moya lyubov, anything." Nat replied, rubbing the small of my back. She pulled back and wiped the floods of tears of my face with the back of her hand. In the darkness, she pressed a warm kiss to my forehead. Then my nose. Then both cheeks and finally my lips. It was soft but that was all I needed to remind me I was alive and capable of feeling. I chuckled, relishing that feeling of lightness in my chest after days of it feeling immensely heavy. Somehow Nat fixed it, although I shouldn't sound so surprised, she always has been able to.