Second to None

44. second affair

At BLEU, Hirose was waiting in a private booth instead of their usual bar seats. One look at the row of drink glasses laid out and Hirose's smudged makeup told Mayu that she'd been crying.

Mayu took the adjacent seat instead of the one across and put an arm around her friend's shoulder. "What's the matter?"

"I shouldn't have spoken to him," croaked Hirose in between sniffs.

"Who?"

"Echizen Ryoma."

By reflex Mayu retrieved her hand, feeling as if she'd just taken a bullet. "What happened?"

In a fragmented voice, Hirose told Mayu that Ryoma had stopped by their floor after lunch. He was frantically looking around and appeared on edge, so she approached him to ask if he needed help.

"He claimed that he was looking all over the building for Sakuno but I didn't buy it. He didn't bother waiting when I told him she'd be out of a meeting in minutes, even though it looked like he had a fire burning at his shirttails." Wiping her cheek with the back of her hand, Hirose said, "I knew then that he was looking for someone else."

Mayu was cautious to keep her tone indifferent. "Did he say who?"

"No. But from the agitated look on his face, I knew it had to be another woman. He's cheating on Sakuno."

Mayu let a moment pass and then chose her next words carefully. "Let's assume your guess is true. Why does it bother you so much? Are you upset that the man you admired is not who you thought he was?"

Hirose shook her head but she didn't talk.

"I guess you called me over to get drunk together."

"Maybe."

"Okay, then let's drink." Raising her hand, Mayu tried to beckon the waiter, but Hirose seized her arm and lowered it.

"That's not true. I called you over because I wanted someone to confide in. I need someone I trust because I'm sad and exhausted." There was a break of silence before Hirose met Mayu's eyes, "I haven't finished my story."

"So tell me the rest."

"When he tried to leave and I suspected he might be cheating, I confronted him on the spot."

Mayu's head snapped around. "Why would you do that?"

"It was stupid, I know. But I just can't stand seeing him cheat on Sakuno again."

"Again?"

"A year ago, he did the same thing to her."

"How do you know?"

"Because he did it with me."

Mayu stared at her, opened her mouth but no sound came out.

Hirose avoided her gaze and bowed her head. "I lied to you: I didn't have a crush on Ryoma. I always keep an eye on him because I can't forget about him even after a year has passed. I've tried to date and sleep with as many men as possible to get rid of my feelings for him. Clearly, that hasn't panned out well. Heck, I lost your handsome and smart friend Fuji because of this. He picked up on how emotionally unavailable I am."

Shaking her head, Hirose continued, "I resent myself for still wishing to be with him. I know that if what happened with us ever came to light, it would hurt another person deeply. Sakuno, as much as I dislike or envy her, did no wrong to deserve this."

Mayu only half-listened after the truth came out. She picked up one of Hirose's unfinished drinks and threw it back. Her stomach squelched from receiving alcohol on an empty stomach but the deeper burn was knowing that she wasn't the first intruder and, from the sounds of it, wouldn't be the last.

"Do you think I'm a terrible person?" asked Hirose quietly when Mayu didn't speak for some time.

"Do you want me to say that you aren't?"

She shook her head.

"What did he say after you confronted him?"

"He said that I shouldn't be sticking my hand in his business and I'd be the last person to be sitting on a moral high horse when it came to affairs," she said. "Not only has he forgotten about me, but that memory I cherished is one he's ashamed of. It's such a cruel thing to hear, even if it is a year later."

Hirose sighed and looked at her hands. "I wish I'd never gone down that road. Even though we were never discovered, I continue to carry the shame that I'd gone behind an innocent woman's back to sleep with her boyfriend and helped him perpetuate lies. When you do that, you can't quite look at your reflection the same way again. No matter how you try to frame it, you feel like a fraud."

"Do you regret what happened?" Mayu couldn't help but ask.

"Today made me decide that I do. But the worst part is that you can't go back and you can't move forward."

"Sure you can. You can always choose to move forward."

"And that would mean telling Sakuno the truth, becoming the center of gossip at work and possibly getting fired. I'd go back to being a hostess at Roppongi, right back to where I started." Hirose ran a hand through her hair and sighed, "I can't and won't risk the career I built. I'd be a fool to tell the truth at this point."

Mayu shook her head. Failing to find a comeback, she waved over the waiter and ordered another round of drinks.

***

Leaving BLEU, Mayu started to think about the value of truth. It occurred to her that most people knew it yet they rarely told it. For one reason or another, they were scared of the aftermath, scared of shining light on their true selves or what they had done.

Instead of taking the train, she walked home. After dark, the night started to come alive. Neon storefronts lit up in succession, blinking and delivering a mysterious pulse of energy to pale, monochrome streets. On the way, she watched pedestrians, looked at the smiles and frowns on their faces and wondered how many of them carried a lie, no matter its size, and what alternative lives they might be leading behind each other's backs.

Thinking this, she reached a crossing bridge in Nakameguro. In April, spring had cast its magic and cherry trees were once again blooming. Two sides of the canal were packed with people, laughing and singing, intoxicated by cups of sake and flowers coming to life.

She stopped midway on the bridge. Even though it was nighttime, she was suddenly brought back to the morning of exactly a year ago. The airport taxi had stopped right here. She and Tezuka had gotten out and walked along the canal holding hands. Under a canopy of cherry blossoms, they moved towards a new beginning, a new life as one. Day by day that life slipped away, slipped far until it was out of reach altogether because she had let it. 

Tezuka did his best to build that life but she was not willing. He made it clear that everything was enough while something always felt out of reach for her—be it a desirable job, a certain status in society, or another woman's man. It was on her to never pause and assess whether she truly needed everything she pursued, whether they were right or wrong.

Staring at her faint reflection in the river, Mayu decided that she would no longer live a lie even if it meant that her life would fall away, just like the pale snow of flowers.

***

a/n: So the truth comes out - or a part of it that makes it clear what Ryoma's after (please don't kill me). But the truth-telling is clearly not done, because there's still Tezuka next. 

Thank you for reading & staying with the story this far!