A part of me is missing (saiouma/oumasai)

I'm feeling empty

When I was done I went back to bed. He was still sleeping in the same position. I smiled and then laid down next to him. It took a while to fell asleep....

-Next day-

I woke up because shuichi was trying to get up. Then i noticed that the sleeves of shuichi's hoodie i was wearing were pulled up a little bit. I hope he didn't saw it... I pretended to be asleep but he noticed that i was awake. ,,I know you are awake", he laughed quite. ,,I was trying to fall asleep again", i opened my eyes again and looked at his handsome face. He was little pale. ,,Good morning", i smiled and Sayed good morning back. ,,Do you wanna eat something?", He asked me and grabbed his phone. ,,No I'm not hungry", i stared to his phone. I don't have one but i really want one... My parents don't buy me anything, i am just there little toy... A wave of depression hited me. I closed my eyes and pulled the blanket over my head. Life ain't fair... maybe i can fall asleep again. ,,Is everything okay?", I heard that he put his phone away. I nodded and then noticed that he can't saw it because of the blanket. ,,Mhm i wanna sleep a bit longer", my voice sounds a little bit sad. I felt the need to selfharm again. He still stands on the other side of the bed. I guess he noticed that something is wrong with me or something idk. I feelt that he sat down. We both where quite. I tryed to sleep again but no chance. I threw away the blanket and accidentally scared him with it. I looked at him. I felt the need to hug him... FUCK IT. I hugged him and Sayed nothing. He was surprised but then hugged me back. Is this a normal friendship? I never saw 2 boys hugging each other... ,,S-sorry", i pulled away from the hug and looked away. ,,Why are you apologizing?", I stand up and Sayed: ,,i need to go to the bathroom..." I walked very quick to the bathroom and locked the door. I looked in the mirror and just started at myself. I'm feeling empty, I've always felt empty. I heard shuichi asking though the door: ,,did you really cleaned the kitchen and the living room?" I opened the door and looked at his handsome smiling face and nodded. ,,Thank you!", He looked very happy. ,,No problem", i smiled. ,,Wanna eat something?", He looked at the clock. It's almost 2 p.m. we slept really long... ,,I'm not hungry", i lied to him again. I just can't eat anymore. Some years ago i tryed to fill my emptiness with food, i got really fat and it doesn't worked... He looked at my arms for a second and then in my face again. ,,Okay then let's eat later together", he smiled. Why did he looked at my arms? Did he saw it... I hope not. A minute later I thought about what we could do now, we have more than 1 day left and no plan how we could spend the time, I wouldn't mind watching movies all the time but i guess that's a little bit boring for him. ,,Do you listen?", I looked up to him. Did he Sayed something? ,,Oh sorry I was thinking about something...", It's embarrassing... He starts talking again and this time i listened. It was nothing really important he just talked about food.

-After some hours-

We spent the time with watching movies and cuddled a bit. I looked to the clock and saw that it's almost 10 p.m. i looked up to Shuichi. He was awake and still watching the movie, he didn't even noticed that i looked to him. I looked to the tv again and just enjoyed the moment. Laying in his arms is really comfortable and warm. Living here with him would be really great, i mean it's not a bad idea but my parents wouldn't allow there little toy to move out... Maybe i can just run away and then live here with him but i don't even know if shuichi would like it too... I need to concentrate on the movie! The film has just ended and Shuichi asked: ,,Do you wanna change clothes? Or go to shower or something?" I don't want to move and when I'm showering then I'm crying again... Okay i guess i really should change my clothes. ,,I would like to change my clothes", ,,wait i will give you some of my clothes", he stood up and walked to the bedroom. It was cold without him... I waited for him to come back, and after some more seconds he came back with a new hoodie and pants. Both to big for me, but i like it, and it smells like him. I really like his smell. He gave them to me and i walked to the bathroom to change, I haven't looked in the mirror because i would definitely cry then... After i changed clothes and checked the other hoodie if there was any blood on it, i went back to Shuichi, he was half sleeping. I smirked when I saw him and he noticed me then. ,,Welcome back", he smiled half sleeping and then i walked to him. ,,Wanna go to bed with me?", ,,No we can watch one more movie, i can stay awake", it sounds like he really wanted to watch one more movie with me so i nodded and sat down again. After like a minute he fell asleep. I didn't knew what to do so i woke him up and walked with him to bed. Why is he always so tired, i laughed softly at this thought. Why is he so cute? I really like him... We laid down in his bed, he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to him. I blushed a lot and was really glad that he is asleep so he won't see it.

I tryed to sleep but it doesn't worked again... I really need to take the pills again, but they are expensive and i have absulutely no money left...