A part of me is missing (saiouma/oumasai)

A rainy night

He presses me against the wall and began to undressed me. I was trying to get away somehow but it didn't worked. I gave up after a while and let him do....

-2 hours later-

I sat alone in my room and cryed. Why me?! Maybe it's really better when I'm just killing myself... I was trying to find my box cutter and found it after a few minutes. I didn't did it since weeks...
I pulled up the sleeve of Shuichi's hoodie and began to cut my wrist with the box cutter. I felt really good while doing it, it always helps me. After some really deep cuts they where blood everywhere. It made me smile. I will clean that up later, i just need to do a few cuts more... After like 20 more cuts i stopped. My arm already hurts. I waited until it stops bleeding and then cleaned it up. I don't have a bandage so i just pulled the sleeve from Shuichi's hoodie down. I hides the box cutter again. I walked out of my room and leaves a note on the kitchen table that says that i won't come home for 2 days. I'm planning on sleeping at Shuichi's apartment. I walked to his apartment and knocked on the door. He opens the door and Sayed: ,,Oh hey Kokichi what are you doing here?" I looked at him for a moment. ,,Can I maybe sleep here 2 more nights?", I looked down. It's a bit embarrassing. Then he sayed: ,,Sure come in." I walked in and it was really hot in his apartment. ,,Why is it so Hot here?", i looked at him. ,,I can open a window if you want", i nodded. He is just wearing a shirt. ,,Sorry i forgot to clean my apartment again", he laughed. I smiled and answered: ,,I can clean it a bit if you want." He nodded and smiled. I love his smile... ,,what do you wanna do now?", He picked up something and tryed to hide it from me. What is he hiding from me? Well... Everybody has secrets so i guess i should just ignore it. He walked in another room and came back a minute later. ,,Do you maybe wanna eat something?", i nodded because i don't want him to worry about me. I guess i can eat a little bit... But not much! ,,What do you want? I can cook it for you", i thought about it like 5 minutes, and i have absulutely no idea. ,,I don't know...", He thought about it too. ,,You can look in my refrigerator maybe you find something", we walked to his kitchen and i searched for something i like. His refrigerator was full with food so it took a while to find something good. I found a piece of watermelon. I looked at him ,,Can i have this?", I pointed to the piece of watermelon. He nodded.

-Some hours later-

We both sat on his Couch and watched Tv. I'm a little bit tired so i closed my eyes. ,,Kokichi are you sleeping?", He looked at me. I pretended to be asleep because i wanted to know what he will do. He came a little closer and cuddled with me. I blushed a bit but still pretended to be asleep. I never knew that having a friend feels so good. I always wanted a friend, and finally i have one. The only thing that keeps me alive... If he ever leave me i would kill myself immediately. It's really nice from him that i can sleep here. It's almost 11p.m, i mean it's Friday so we don't have school tomorrow, I'm really happy about it.... Shuichi feel asleep after some minutes and i stood up to look out of the window. It was raining, the perfect weather. I really want to go outside now but i would get sick again... I stared out of the window for like 20 minutes but then i heard Shuichi's sleepy voice saying: ,,Kichi? What are you doing?" Did he just called me Kichi? I blushed a bit and answered: ,,Nothing, let's go to bed." He nodded and we both walked to the bed and laid down, he fell asleep immediately. I stared to my arms, the pain gets really worse. I smiled sadly and tryed to sleep but it doesn't worked... Sometimes I have really bad sleep disorders so i need to take sleeping pills. I'm still wearing Shuichi's hoodie, it smells like him. I decided to stand up and clean some of his mess. I decided to start with the living room because I don't want to wake him up. While cleaning the living room i found a Box cutter, cigarettes and a lot of other stuff. I guess he wouldn't notice if a cigarette was missing... The box was only half full so i stealed one for tomorrow. I cleaned up the rest of it and then went to the kitchen, there were a lot of dirty dishes. I cleaned the dishes until i found a knife, it was small and really sharp, i thought about to steal it. I made a cut on my arm to see how Sharp it is. It cut really deep... Would he notice when I'm stealing it...? I waited until it stopped to bleed then i put it to the side and continued to clean the dishes. The hot water really hurts on my cuts when I'm cleaning the dishes. I guess it wasn't the best idea to do the dishes...

When I was done I went back to bed. He was still sleeping in the same position. I smiled and then laid down next to him. It took a while to fell asleep....