Like Real People Do

4. Barlights

TW: Eating disorder, substance abuse

Never in all my life have I seen eyes as empty as these streets of my city on a Saturday night. All the green of your eyes say "go, leave it all behind." -Fun.

Tuesday, April 13th

"Hey new girl, what can I get you?" Rhiannon looked up to see the bartender, a tall, lean woman with an electric blue bob and genuinely warm smile.

"Oh, hi! Just a glass of red, please. Cab if you have it." One glass of cabernet, 120 calories. She made a mental note while observing the woman behind the bar. A vague outline of this person was present in her memory, but after her last experience in this bar, Rhiannon just couldn't be sure. "Um, we've met, right?" She stifled a laugh.

"Yeah, we have. Not surprised you don't remember, though. You were looking a little worse for wear Saturday night if you know what I mean. My name is Emily."

"Oh, yeah. I...I'm sorry about that. I'm Rhiannon, just in case I didn't introduce myself, I guess." She didn't remember much, but based on how her night has ended, the process of getting there couldn't have been pretty. Emily laughed again.

"It's alright, happens to the best of us!" she called over her shoulder while pouring red wine into glass. She turned to place it on the bar but grabbed her wrist as Rhiannon reached forward. "What is this?" She said, flipping it over to reveal one of her tattoos- a black and white woodcut-style portrait of The Empress.

"Ah, just a tarot card." Rhiannon brushed her off with a wave. "Not a big deal, kinda stupid honestly." Emily's entire face lit up.

"That's so cool!" She gushed. "Do you know how to read them?"

"Yeah." She didn't care to elaborate further than that. Agnes had already made a home at the old farmhouse. She was not welcome in this bar.

"What does this one mean?"

"It means two things, actually. When it's like this, upright, it represents nurturing and comfort, kind of. Like emotional stability." She pulled her arm away from Emily and held it up, oriented in such a way that the tattoo was now upside down. "When it's like this, reversed, that means that you need to focus on taking care of yourself before taking care of others, or stop relying on others to give you what you need."

"Very cool! So, why'd you get that one?" Rhiannon brushed her fingers over the intricate linework and recalled the day in the tattoo studio, her and Agnes laid side by side giggling and wincing in pain. Both their choices in tattoos had been such cruel jokes. The Empress, while representing warmth and beauty, also suggested body image issues in its reversed position. Agnes had carefully selected The Devil as well. Dark thoughts, indulgence, addiction. Rhiannon thought it was such a clever idea at the time, like a fuck you to all their problems, but now it was just a reminder that she alone would have to live with.

"Just one of those things," she said after a long pause.

"Well, I love it! You should read my cards sometime, I'm so into stuff like this!"

"Definitely," She agreed, then leaned back in her stool to sip her wine and let her eyes wander around the room. For such a small town, the saloon was lively tonight. Excited chatter and the crack of pool cues on billiard balls rose above the music from the jukebox, but Rhiannon's gaze fell squarely on the corner of the room. There he was, Shane, her endeavor from a few nights prior, and he was the only person sitting alone. She'd done her best to force that deeply embarrassing memory from her mind but hadn't been able to stop thinking about it- or him- since.

"What, got a crush or something?" Emily glanced up from the glass she was polishing.

"What? No. Nothing like that."

"It sure seemed like you did this weekend." Color immediately rose to Rhiannon's cheeks as she shot Emily a questioning glance, but all the bartender could do was laugh. "This is a small town. People talk. You'll get used to it eventually."

"I was just having a bad night." Rhiannon did her best to shrink behind the small glass of wine. "It didn't go well."

"He's just like that. A little bit, uh, antisocial I guess, but he's a good guy." She leaned in next to Rhiannon's ear and lowered her voice. "Rumor is he's got some demons. Hasn't had an easy life, you know?"

"Right..." Her eyes didn't leave him until she was startled by a stein of beer being set down beside her.

"Talk to him," Emily said softly, nudging the mug toward her. "He could use some friends."

"Oh, Emily I don't think—" her protest was cut short by the stein being shoved even closer.

"Talk to him." Rhiannon stared for a moment, considering how quickly he'd run out of her house Sunday morning, until nodding and taking Emily's advice. At this point, what was the worst that could happen? She owed him an apology for her messy behavior anyway, it couldn't hurt to chat.

"Hi," she said with a cautious smile and beer in hand. He looked up at her, almost frightened, then quickly shifted to a cold glare. "I don't think I had a chance to like, actually introduce myself. I'm Rhiannon. I moved into that old farmhouse in town. Which...uh...I guess you probably already knew that." Still nothing. She was just met with his eyes flashing up for a quick second, then back to fixating on the wall. "I brought you this. Just wanted to say sorry for...well everything the other day. Not my proudest moment." It was almost a question as she offered the beer to him.

"I don't want it."

"Are you sure? It's the least I can do after you ran out without coffee or breakfast," She forced another smile, but could already tell this interaction wasn't going to go well. A joke was her last-ditch effort to break the ice.

"Listen, I don't know you, and you're making a lot of fucking noise right now. I said I don't want it." Rhiannon blinked. Truly, she wasn't sure what she'd expected. Emily had warned her that he was a tough nut to crack, but she never could have anticipated him being so foul.

"Well, aren't you just a delight," she deadpanned, sarcasm dripping off every word. When he ignored her, anger started to build in Rhiannon's chest. She slammed the beer down hard on the table in front of him. "Enjoy your fucking beer, I guess. Asshole." No one was going to speak to her like that, certainly not tonight. It had already been a rough enough day; she wouldn't be tolerating verbal abuse on top of it. "Great advice," She hissed to Emily, falling back into her stool with her arms crossed. Upon seeing the wounded look in her eyes, Rhiannon instantly felt like shit for taking out her frustration on her. "I'm sorry, it's not your fault. He was just so...ugh."

"I know," Emily said, giving him a sympathetic look. "It is my fault. I shouldn't have sent you over there. You just seemed interested, I thought it would help."

"No, it's really not. You were just trying to be nice." Rhiannon sighed. His words were icy, but his eyes told a different story entirely. When he looked up at her, it wasn't anger that had been on his face. He seemed afraid, and tired.

Beneath it all, he just seemed lonely.

Rhiannon watched him out of the corner of her eye for the rest of the night- she couldn't help herself. No matter how rude he'd been, she still couldn't shake that flash of sadness and fear that she'd seen in his eyes. People all around him came and went, chatting in their cliques before taking their leave for the night, but Shane remained constant. He was a fixed point in this bar that the merriment orbited without ever getting too close. As her eyelids got heavier, Rhiannon realized she would lose this war of attrition with him, and she too excused herself from his gravitational pull.

***

Lying in her bed, she held her left arm in the air and absentmindedly traced over the lines of The Empress. She'd gotten other tattoos before- all fingerprints that Agnes had left- but none that had been such a window into her soul like this one was. Sighing, her thoughts drifted to Shane, alone and miserable in his corner of the bar and her heart broke for him. What was it that Emily meant by demons? Whatever it was, she ran her thumb hard down the length of her tattoo, and angrily wished that she could exorcise them from him.